Imbalance in the Universe

hate when this happens. i’ve been shaking for days.

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“should i be afraid to be alone with you” yes.

“i can do anything, but i can’t wait.” you’re right.

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do you ever think things are good and then something happens and you find out they’ve never been worse? how does that happen?/ it’s happened.a lot.

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I feel positively dreamy.

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where you have died, i see flames.

 

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why can’t you just ride it out

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ride it out.

~Kasia

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The Elephant On My Chest STILL

what do we have if we don’t have distance? the space above our heads shrinks until it reaches our lungs and our heads are cut off.


i used to be obsessed with wanting to make an unsuccessful suicide attempt, which tells me one of two things 1) I wanted to do it for the story. 2) I wanted to do something to make me feel like I was reborn. so. both of them.


all i can think of is being in washington d.c. when everything was ripe and i slept completely wrong and couldn’t turn my fucking neck so i bought these fucking heat patches from cvs and stuck them to my neck every night but they were so cold they were like ice they were like hot and cold patches or something. freeze and burn. probably none of those names because they’re all fake.


the best kind of music to listen to when you’re heartbroken is. pop music. because it doesn’t feel real. none of it feels fucking real.


everything is so so so wrong.


oh you too, huh?



~Kasia

Total Freedom = Maximum Insecurity

do i have a person of priority in my life? absolutely. i couldn’t live without this person. i could not BREATHE. i don’t know what it’d be like but i know that it’d be unbearable. i don’t know what i’d become but i know that i’d be unbearable. i imagine losing this person a lot. it’s almost an obsession.

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i feel like i used to feel at summer camp. it’s not a good way. and it’s only cause the window’s open. sometimes,

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i don’t want you to remember me like this so i’m not gonna give you a chance.

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i wish i could put a carbon monoxide spell on the whole city

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i am mesmerized by your voice your fingertips

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everything i want is before me but i’ll turn to gold.

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i feel. intimidated. i feel. intimi-dation.

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it’s just my mentalscape

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i am mesmerized. your voice. your veil. your fingers.

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you have to know when to press (it)

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i’ve felt like crying all day.

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i’ve distorted you so much.

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i can’t get you and i can’t get ANYTHING.

 

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i’ve been SSSSSSHHAKING ALL DAY

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atoms act differently when they clashhhhh together

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i am frozen the way that i thought i was frozen.

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HUMAN NATURE

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ROBOT NATURE

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silence makes you feel bad, don’t be silent

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i don’t feel great mentally, we know each other mentally

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equal. we’re all equal. this equality is a problem.

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constantly “afraid.” fear of death! conflict! continual conflict! violence!

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at the end of the day, anyone can be killed by anybody else.

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i need to be free, i need to be free of you.

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right to self-preservation, right to do anything we need to do.

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you’ve dissolved, melted me. i am the solute and you’re the solution.

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but that’s not right. i’m the solution.

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i’m the only solution.

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at least for me.

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“the right to keep ourselves alive”

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i have a right to everything.

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Total Freedom = Maximum Insecurity

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there is nothing that is off limits in the state of nature

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nothing’s gonna get made

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no knowledge, no arts, no letters, no society

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we all die young and violently in the state of nature

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full full full live it full

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we are all vastly and deeply afraid of each other in the state of nature

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give up your power. give up your right to unlimited self government.

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we give up our power to something that can control both of us. to a SOVEREIGN

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really? i’m not? please

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fear keeps you in line.

~~~

If I Was Going To Kill Myself, I Wouldn’t Leave A Note

i don’t think i care about anything but physical sensations anymore.

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maybe things would be different if i didn’t start this year crying in the bathroom.

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but they’re not.

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everything’s getting so short.

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and i’m not getting anywhere.

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i’m especially not getting anywhere in my mind.

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i didn’t do anything worth describing today.

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but i said i would and i keep my word.

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i came back to my dorm with suitcases.

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i lost my driver’s license buying mia cigarettes.

 

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my mother taught me how to sew.

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i could probably give somebody stitches.

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and like it.

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i’d drink my other juice but then i wouldn’t have any juice.

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i just did my homework.

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it felt really strange.

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i had to read an excerpt from leviathan by thomas hobbes.

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i read that freshman year of high school.

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it talks about how war is the natural state of man.

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i wish we still had an honor system.

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and i could be as cruel as i wanted.

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without anybody judging me.

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SADIST.

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but there you

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have it.

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_______

_______

 

~Kasia

they must needs– by the difference of their interests– dissolve–

I have one person in this world who might share a sliver of my soul. We don’t belong to each other but can’t exist without each other. We might belong more to each other on our deathbeds than we ever did for our whole lives. We’re both in this constant state of ennui. We feel so much and it makes us swirl with power to the point where the ground opens at our feet trying to rid itself of this earth threatening alien life formation. But we’re both empty. And we’ve seen what it all comes to. We see how at one moment everything is monumental and everything is covered up. And that is why we don’t want anything. And when other people look at us, they see two people full of promise and full of desire. And we might have promise. But we don’t have desire.

~Kasia

Lose it to find it, or don’t 

1/20/18

i feel like i don’t fit anywhere. and like all my skin has blown off and there’s no more exterior but the raw red and my shoulder bones stick straight through it and i have to walk around like that. i have to tell you about every day now because i want every day to be monumental like it used to be to me but it hasn’t been like that in about a year and i feel like everything’s slipping and i’m losing it. and i feel like i don’t fit anywhere and maybe i used to i really think that for the most unnoticeable blink my existence made sense to me in some nondescript span of time, in the span of time that required nothing from me except waiting, and waiting, but i don’t think i fit into any part of my life right now and maybe that’s the reason i’m always flooding over and the reason i don’t have any fucking skin anymore.

so let me tell you about what happened after i got off the bus. but also don’t listen to a word i say. i was happy, then i wasn’t happy anymore. and then i won’t tell you about the rest of it, because i don’t feel like it, and it’s not like i’m gonna forget it anyway even if i want to. and now i’m home and i’m glad that i’m here. and i know i’ve been losing it, but i’m just gonna let myself have it. “let’s just be friends right now.”

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but i owe it to you. so i will. there are just certain circumstances under which i can’t make sense of my existence anymore. and it’s killing me. and i think that whatever i find, i lose it again. and again. and again.

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…still owe it to you. it’s killing me. i don’t know how to describe things anymore.

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focus on the concrete. i try. okay. i went to the open mic it all feels like cheating and i saw my friends especially alyssa and colin’s band played and it was fantastic and i disappointed myself and i can’t believe I’m this attached to colorful fucking walls it’s like they’re inside me and it’s like a wave swelling under my heart (Lo) (and behold) and then i went into this trance — the only times i go into this kind of trance are when we’re together — and nothing felt any way to me like it sometimes doesn’t and i didn’t know where to go and colin confronted me at some point about another kind of trance i went into and now is not really a great time for me to explain myself it’s only a great time to watch

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i predicted all of this happening, i just couldn’t imagine it. “blown open” “blow me open” yeah yeah yeah okay.

~Kasia