It’s Complicated

I feel so nostalgic for November. And being miserable. I didn’t know how good it was. I’m not comfortable being happy. “Happy.” I’m not HAPPY, per se, but this is as good as it ever gets.

So many ironic things have been happening. I’ve been trying really hard to find a job, so I emailed the Natural Market asking if they could please be hiring, and they asked me for a resume, so I emailed one to them, and then I got an email back that started like “very very nice thank you.” So I thought to myself, YES I’M GETTING A JOB, and then the next line was this:

“You should join a theater company or group and keep learning your trade. Start following your passions while you are young.”
And AAHHHHH THE CRAZY LADY SENT ME A LINK TO A VOICE ACTING WEBSITE AND GAVE ME THE CONTACT INFORMATION FOR THIS GUY WHO RUNS IT AND TOLD ME ABOUT HOW APPARENTLY HE WANTS TO SET UP A DRAMA CLASS OR SOMETHING.
Look at me. Can’t escape my destiny. This is getting ridiculous.
I’m guessing they’re not hiring. 🙂
God how am I going to get money for my escape plan.
~Kasia

Panic, static, manic, ecstatic.

It just hit me that I can’t, I can’t dye my hair, I can’t make any major life decisions until things are right with her again and I don’t know when that’s gonna be.

I miss her, but I feel crystal clear. I think I might go to desperate lengths in the future for this kind of clarity. All I have to do is sabotage something good and suddenly it’s like all the opaqueness has shot out of my eyes.

Maybe maybe I like being in pain.

I obviously love being in pain.

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I’m really excited about my escape plan. I might feel a little guilty about it if I did it, but I’m sure I could pay off my debt.

I’ve been talking to my other friends more, and I guess it’s hitting me how fucking higher on the list my drama friends are, but I’ve kind of been avoiding everyone. You know, out of consideration. And because I’m sad. And when I am really sad. I can’t fucking say anything. Which is a stupid ridiculous paradox. And also. I have been wearing her jewelry every goddamn single day, because I can’t stand this and it’s killing me but I’m not dead.

I find it funny how there are so many different versions of me documenting my life, I don’t think any of them would add up to each other.

I don’t even want to say this, but today we were in the same hallway like twice, and both times she veered really quickly to the other side AND IT MADE ME CRY god why am I so sensitive.

If this is hurting me so much, I can’t even imagine what I did to her. I fucking hate this. I don’t like it when people avoid me. I like it when they scream at me until we fucking work it out.

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I am starting to think there is nothing so painful as juxtaposition.

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I kind of want to take the ocean and just drink it yeah I don’t understand a single thing either just please let me drink the ocean I’m so thirsty.

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I’m going to talk about one of my greatest fears. I am so afraid I am not gonna make it. I feel like everything breaks me.

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Everything

 

~Kasia

Rules for when you can’t remember there are rules (I’m just kidding, there aren’t rules)

  1. Always have an escape plan.
  2. Don’t stay in one place for too long.
  3. If you for a second think about throwing away everything I’ve been through for you, I’m gonna lose it.
  4. Embrace hedonism.
  5. Don’t put on anything boring.
  6. If you have to use an analogy, at least make it wrong.
  7. No second thoughts.
  8. Listen to yourself.
  9. If you have to obliterate everything in your path in order to think clearly, you have my permission.
  10. Sometimes only listening to other people will make you see how right you are about everything.
  11. If you’re not happy, it’s because you’re not fulfilling your destiny.
  12. You can always die, but it better be glorious.
  13. If you think about something enough, it WILL happen.
  14. If you think things are bad now, remember they were never good before.
  15. If you want something, you should probably act on it.
  16. Follow the signs while they’re hot.
  17. I think this is my big break.
  18. I think there’s no way I stumbled upon this by chance.

~Kasia

The Battle of Antietam

Okay, I take it back. I keep second guessing myself. I am taking the long way to get what I want, and I hate waiting. It makes me forget why I wanted it, but when I lose my intention along the way, I just have to remember why I got myself into this situation in the first place. And I think I remember.

I just got into this really heated argument with my brother about college. Okay, a little background. My brother has turned into the most cynical person, which I secretly love, but it’s been getting kind of ridiculous. We had this whole discussion that started because my dad was comparing the tuition for the two schools I got into over dinner and then my brother started saying how college is a waste of money unless you’re studying S.T.E.M., so then I started shouting about how I’d rather get an education than spend that money on anything else and how the world isn’t as passionless as he’s making it sound and my mom just gazed at me while I yelled with this LOOK in her eye, and I don’t know, for the first time in a while, I actually feel pretty fucking convinced of something. Anyway, I think I finally know how I feel about going to school.

I guess my dad is right about how we’re on two polar opposites of the spectrum, like he only thinks in practical terms and I only think in terms of passion, but I’m keeping up my end. It makes me sad how he thinks he needs to structure his whole life around the economy. Not only because it’s so meaningless, but because it’s so susceptible to being shaken up at any given motherfucking moment. So I am not worried. I think I’ll just run with what I have.

I think I’m committing to BU tonight. We’re going to make the deposit. I kind of already knew where this was headed, but I hate committing to things anyway. Just yesterday while I was in the car for a few hours, I was rethinking how maybe I should do something drastic like go to Warsaw after all. I really just hate feeling trapped. I know that would be stupid and I would be throwing away a lot of things and effectively trapping myself in in a different way.

I’ve realized how unmotivated I’ve been the last couple of weeks, but while I was in the car today, I had this revelation. I don’t want to tell anyone about it, I want it to be my secret, but to put this in the vaguest terms, I might not come back from Europe this summer.

I don’t know for sure where this is going, but I know I will take desperate measures to make sure I’m not locked in, and I think I’ve found a way. I don’t have the means yet, but it’s a possibility. I’m okay now. I’m okay. I can walk around with this idea lighting up my brain. I don’t care if nothing comes of it. I have my thread. I could be gone before there are any consequences. I’m a genius.

~Kasia

Fire feeds fire

That’s right, isn’t it? I feel like I’ve been deceiving myself. About the whole energy levels thing. I think I was wrong about it. I think energy meshes well with energy, and anything else kills it.

I haven’t written here in a while, but I think maybe the reason for how I’ve been the past two weeks is that I haven’t been working out what needs to be worked out.

I messed up a lot of things and nothing ended like it was supposed to and now I feel like messing up even more things, because, well, fire feeds fire.

And the thing is that if I do one hectic thing like screw something up really badly, then the other things will just follow like dominoes or a chain reaction and I really really think I’m headed towards the bottom of the well and I’m not gonna be able to climb out of it.

I mean, really, have you ever tried to climb out of a well?

It’s really been one thing after another. I’m trying to think of when it started. I’m trying to think of what triggered it. I think this might require a little research. Hold on.

I think it started on my mom’s birthday. On March 30. Never mind, I thought it was something else. That was the day NYU rejected me and then a few days later, on April 4, was when my parents found out I’d been drinking, and then about a week later, on April 9, was when I realized I was too far into my sick sick game, and then on April 12 was when I ended it, and that was ten days ago, and now it’s April 22 and I am so close to rock bottom, I just want to smash my head against the stone already.

Oh my god, it’s like all the pages have just been flying one after another and I can’t slow down, I’m terrified, I don’t know what is happening to me. I think I broke it.

I’m trying really hard to think of times I was genuinely happy and everything wasn’t a complete and total mess. There was this one day in late-ish January that I came back home from school and put on Sarah by The Slackers and I remember thinking I hadn’t felt so unconcerned in so long. And there was this other moment, right after I held auditions for my play, that I came home and I looked at myself in the mirror and I said to myself ‘I am a play director’ and my parents were yelling at me, but I felt so fucking unaffected and free.

I was happy on February 23 when I went over to my friend Karen’s house and we sat for hours on her carpet and talked and ate ice cream, and I felt so safe in her apartment that looked exactly like my old apartment, even though there’s the whole thing of how I spent my CHILDHOOD in one of those, and I’m not gonna talk about my childhood, but, God, I can’t explain it, I just felt like myself, I felt so far away from everything, but more myself than I’ve felt since maybe

A year ago. When I went to California. I remember that, because it was the day after I told Quinn I’d be his girlfriend, and I was so happy to get out of that place. God I wonder why.

I was happy on the day of the play. Not the one acts. The play that just happened. It was opening night. My friends and I had a crying party instead of going to class C Block, and then D Block my friend and I walked around the school and ate brownies and it was great, and then that night, at IHOP, I remember I started crying, but it was nice, and it was just me and Callum and Hannah and Jill in one booth and it was so nice how it was just us, because we were all going through the same thing. We started talking about how much we’d changed and I just started crying and I don’t know why I like things that break my heart so much.

Some of the things I haven’t thought about in a long time have started coming back to me, because there have been all these really convenient triggers. It’s not just the temperature anymore. It’s not just the light. It’s the motions I’ve been going through. It’s the same situations same places different times different people different different DIFFERENT DIFFERENT I can’t fucking tell the difference anymore.

All I know is I am definitely unhappy. I am unhappy I am unhappy I am unhappy and I know I did this to myself and I think now that I am at a little bit of a distance I can see that I was using some things to excuse my unhappiness to myself and other things to keep myself able to function and it’s so, so screwed up, the things I’ve been doing to keep myself sane enough to go through my life, but that’s why I’ve been doing it and I can’t believe I’ve been so blind.

I feel trapped in this house in my body in every situation I’ve put myself in, in my mind, in myself, in the same picture in front of my face that I wish I could rip away, but I guess it’s not made of paper, I guess it’s really there.

((I can’t tell I can’t tell if this has done me more harm than good))

~Kasia

Excuses to fall off the face of the earth:

  • I have this really bad prolonged cold that’s been going on for the past two weeks and I’m in a constant state of fever.
  • My mom has cancer and I’m at the hospital with her every day.
  • I’m really busy with my Other School.
  • I’m going to Italy for two months.
  • I faked my own death.
  • I was committed to the mental hospital for good children who didn’t get all straight A’s.
  • I can’t get out of bed.
  • I’m busy writing my novel and I can’t talk to you right now.
  • I have rehearsal tonight and the night after that and the night after that.
  • My mom said we can’t be friends anymore.
  • Yeah, you’re just a bad influence or something. She really said that.
  • I feel really empty all the time (all the time) and I can’t talk to you right now. Or tomorrow.
  • God I’ve been so busy, how have you been?
  • Yeah, I had like seven exams this week. Amazing, right?
  • I got abducted by aliens yeah I think something’ s wrong with me.
  • My aunt got abducted by aliens, I’m kind of worried about her. Yeah, she’s overseas, no, I can’t stop thinking about her.
  • I actually work eight hours a day.
  • I’ve been reading Freud’s Interpretation of Dreams.
  • I’m really scared of how this could end so I’ll just make this really easy for you. Here, I’ll stop having things to say to you. So easy. Magic. I’ll stop being entertaining. Like an off switch. Then you’ll say we don’t connect so well anymore.
  • I’ll be hurt, but I’ll know in my heart I did this.
  • And I’ll be sad about it, but I know I made you do it. I’ve always been more of a concept person. Now you can go back to being a flat carbon copy of a person who exists only in the realm I allow them to exist in and I can go back to observing everything and participating in nothing and feeling abandoned by the world even though I am the one who abandoned it first.
  • Why is everything I write addressed in the second person?
  • I would really rather not drag this out.
  • Believe me, I’ve seen how the world ends. It always starts in my head.
  • I had to shower four times today because I’ve been feeling really OCD.
  • OCD’s not a feeling, dumbass.
  • Are you really going to tell me what I am supposed to be feeling? Now that’s just REALLY SOMETHING.
  • I’m grounded for life, my parents found out I stole like six bottles of wine.
  • Actually, I am the one who told them just to punish myself.
  • Six? God maybe I do need help.
  • No one’ s going to help me, I can’t take anything seriously.
  • My therapist doesn’t approve of you and neither does the little angel on my shoulder.
  • Wait. Wait. Wait. If there’s an angel on my shoulder, why is everything so FUCKING MESSED UP?
  • Angels and devils look the same, I can’t really tell.
  • If I can’t live my life on my own terms, I don’t want to live it period.
  • It’s the one-year-anniversary of the day I tried to kill myself. Actually, and there’s another one tomorrow. And next Thursday.
  • I’m being held hostage. No, I’m not kidding.
  • I’m grounded for being a failure.
  • I’m sick of you asking me how my day went and what I did honestly just let me not be a person in peace.
  • My mom threw away my dead flowers so now I have to spend the rest of the day crying about it.
  • I can’t get up.
  • I broke my arm because a wave knocked me down at the beach.
  • Yeah, who would fucking believe that story?
  • God, my mom was right about you.
  • I can’t drive.
  • Every time I drive, I get a speeding ticket.
  • Every time my friend drives me, his car breaks down.
  • I’m running out of money.
  • I’m running out of lipstick.
  • I haven’t done my laundry.
  • I’m running out of contacts I’m running out of shampoo I’m running out of soap I don’t have any food in my house cause no one’s been to the grocery store
  • I’m running away.
  • Is it too late for me to run away from home?
  • My mom gets anxious when I’m out of the house.
  • So does my cat.
  • I don’t have a cat.
  • The show must go on!
  • I let you read too much of my poetry now I want all my secrets back I know I’m not very subtle.
  • “I need to learn to speak Spanish, I gotta go to Uruguay and figure it out.”
  • You know too much.
  • I don’t like it when people have too much information on me.
  • I know you could blackmail me, but I can make you so indifferent towards me that you won’t have to.
  • I am too pure for you or for anyone.
  • I’m in a bad mood, I’ll say something stupid.
  • I want to listen to music and space out for five hours alone in my room.
  • No I’m not depressed.
  • Yes I’m depressed.
  • It doesn’t get better.
  • I’m sick of people telling me that.
  • I don’t think I was made to live in a society.
  • I’m leaving// I need to cross the desert// I need to do something exciting.
  • Deserts. Are. Real. Exciting.
  • I’m sure I’m just over-romanticizing it.
  • DON’T KISS ME, I’M RUNNING OUT OF LIPSTICK.
  • You don’t want to see me angry.
  • I don’t feel like I connect that well with people.
  • I have an affinity for hurting myself to hurt other people and hurting other people to hurt myself.
  • I will remember everything you did to me.
  • I will remember everything you said to me.
  • I wasn’t kidding about the affinity for gore.
  • I look up into people’s faces when I walk up the stairs.
  • I don’t feel right.
  • I’ve been avoiding you.
  • I’m sick of entertaining you.
  • I’m only happy when I’m on the run.
  • I am going to break your heart.
  • I’ve been lying to you. I’m lying to you right now.

~Kasia

Deceiving other people and deceiving myself xxxxxxx

I think the assumption is that everyone lies, so I don’t know why my parents are so surprised when I tell them I lie for my own gain all the time and I don’t feel bad about it. Directly,  indirectly. I lie for a lot of reasons. I lie when I want people to leave me alone. For example, I’ll lie to my parents, so they stop pestering me. Yes, I was definitely just studying, yes, I read my chemistry textbook every day (what chemistry textbook?), yes I have a textbook for that class yes I still have homework to do so leaving my presence for the time being is probably for the best and yes of course that’s what I’m doing every hour of every day yes yes yes yes YES. No, you can’t come in here. Yes I’m getting dressed. Yes, I’m still getting dressed. Yes of course I’ve already eaten. Yes of course I slept well. Yes and yes and yes and yes. No I didn’t get that test back yet. Yes, of course I’ll call you when I’m on my way home. Yes of course we’re just friends. Yes. I feel so much better. Thank you for your concern.

I’ll do it so I don’t have to talk to people. No, I’m sorry, I can’t stay, I can’t go, I can’t do that, I have somewhere to be right now, gotta run. Fast. Yeah, I’ve been really busy. True facts. I’ll see you later. Yes of course I care. Keep telling me about your life. Please. Of course I’m listening. I’m sorry if I seem distracted. I promise I’m listening. Do I seem out of it? It’s just that I can’t sleep. Oh, you know, the usual. Don’t make me into a martyr.

Yes I am deflecting. No I won’t tell you what I did yesterday. No I don’t want you to know. Yes I kind of want to forget about that part of my life for the meantime. Yes I’m doing well. Yes I’m doing terrible. Thanks. No, I don’t want to talk about it. Yeah, I’m having fun right now. I really am. I promise. No, I don’t mind. Of course I don’t mind. No, I didn’t see you, I’m sorry. I really didn’t see you. I had no idea you just walked right by me. Or I totally would’ve talked to you! No, I’m not hungry. No, I’m not thirsty. I’m not even tired, I swear. I have all night. I don’t want to be an inconvenience. Yeah, I’m okay waiting like two hours for you to get here. I really don’t want to be an inconvenience.

No I don’t care about your opinion at all. So no I’m not hurt by what you said because you have nothing important to say anyway. It doesn’t break my heart when he does that to you on your birthday. Everything is fine. Yes, of course I forgive you. No, the only reason I’m talking to you again isn’t because I want money or a favor or permission to see my friends or to be driven someplace like to my job interview so I can get a job and stop asking you to give me money and drive me places. Yes of course I love you, you’re my family. Yes of course I like you as a human being. No I don’t still resent you for the past fifteen years. God no. Of course not. Jesus taught us to forgive each other. I must have forgiven you by now. No, the reason I don’t talk to you in the car isn’t because I still haven’t forgiven you. That isn’t it at all.

“I find vaping stupid, like just smoke for God’s sake.” ~Mrs. Gounis

But I don’t do it that much. I think it’s a weakness. I slip up a lot. I’ve gotten lazy. No, I don’t really believe in God, but cool concept. No, I don’t pray every night or ever really. Can you believe it? Shocked me too. I really don’t feel like messing with my destiny. I think if something is supposed to happen. I don’t have to pray for it. I don’t want your help.

I let myself go more than I would like. Everybody lies, I guess, but not because it’s human nature to want to be separate from everyone. It’s a defense. I use it as a defense. To fake my intentions. To lead people away from what I’m really doing. It’s kind of naive. The truth will come out. Of your own free will.

I spend so much time lying to my parents when I just want to be understood, but when I slip up, there are consequences. And I’m reminded of why I need to keep my defenses up. It’s for my own good. It doesn’t feel good. I never feel good. Not when I tell them to leave me alone and not when they tell me I have it all wrong and force their own philosophies down my throat when I have also been living on this earth, thanks, believe it or not. I’m cynical, but my mind hasn’t completely killed me. Stop telling me my way of thinking is wrong. Believe it or not, it’s the only thing keeping me alive.

~Kasia

Ten Reasons This Class Has Been the Best

  1. I actually wrote some structured poetry, I can’t believe it. Even the ode. That was pure emptying agony.
  2. Having all these assignments and being forced to write structured poetry actually helped my normal creative flow instead of hurting it. If anything, I’ve just been writing even more unstructured things to make up for it. So thanks. I’m completely blaming this for the amount of work I don’t get done in my other classes because I can’t shut it off. I have literally spent the last few days in AP Chemistry just writing in my notebook. THANKS.
  3. Blogging and reading other people’s blogs has been lots of fun.
  4. I love Mrs. Gounis.
  5. I genuinely like being in this class and it’s a nice environment. I’ve never felt threatened or anything. Maybe because I haven’t been workshopped this quarter. I don’t know.
  6. Got actual real valuable feedback on my writing. Thank you for that.
  7. I think this class has helped me work out a lot of issues I have.
  8. I’ve actually gotten life advice? That’s helped me??? Unbelievable.
  9. I guess sometimes the advice helps me in the way that I realize my problem is the exact opposite of what the other person thinks my problem is.
  10. I’ve spent about 90% of this class successfully walking out and coming back whenever I feel like it.
  11. Sometimes we have food and Andrea brings tiny forks.
  12. I get to see people I like which is always nice.
  13. I now have a love letter from Kersten that I’m keeping until it’s an ancient relic.
  14. Oh, the quarter is ending?
  15. Oh, fuck.

~Kasia