You wish, you fool

Dear Sun,

I know you have this obsession with history repeating. I used to have it, too. I think that someday you will learn history doesn’t have to repeat. The only pattern that exists in reality is how unresolved intentions constantly surface up from under severe oppression. You will see how malleable everything is.

x  Scene.

I was on the school bus for the last time today. I was writing my bus driver a love letter and I realized midway through it that I wouldn’t finish on time, so I ripped it all up when I got off and scattered it down the drain.

Sometimes I feel like I’m on top of the world and sometimes I feel like I’m under it. Today I felt like I was transcending.

3:16 p.m. And now I don’t// But // I // Have // Made // It // This // Far // I’m // Not // Gonna // Let // It // Kill // Me



I think we spent three months as cosmic entities

Dear Sun,

I am not going to give you back the flowers. Neither am I going to burn them or throw them away. I am going to put them back in the green room where they belong. I will simply be returning a prop. Maybe you’ll see them there sometime. You shouldn’t have them and I shouldn’t have them. They never belonged to either of us, even though they belonged to both of us. It doesn’t mean that I take back what happened. I can’t take it back and I wouldn’t take it back. I needed it and someday you’ll see that you did, too. It hurts to see you, but I know you don’t hate me, and I don’t hate you, either.

You will never read this. Not any of it. Maybe if you did, you would understand. But it’s okay. I’m not trying to justify it.

I would hold onto you, but I feel like I’m reaching above-ness and I can’t touch the ground anymore. You may have taken my name, but you can’t take what I am.


Bling bling bling bling bling

(5.24.17) Yes, I know I’ve been posting a lot today. I think it’s helping me.

I have a lot of things I need to do and tomorrow is my last real day of school and I’m gonna need to somehow squeeze it all in. I have to give people back their things, I have to ask people for signatures, I have to have serious talks with some people. I don’t know how I’m going to do it all. I guess even though I’ve been kind of scared, it’s dawned on me how the only thing keeping me alive this whole year has been the constant assurance that this is gonna be over soon. Now, the thing I’m talking about is not over yet, it may never be over, but in a few months, I’m gonna be able to distance myself from it and look at it from a bit of a removed perspective. I’ve been afraid of becoming completely removed from this thing that’s responsible for my whole identity, but I know that I’m not going that far and I could become completely re-immersed in it if I chose and I most likely will be whether I make that choice or not.

I think there are a lot of underground desires that I have that have caused the stars to align this way. I received a waitlist update from NYU a few days ago, and they said that so far, they’ve admitted 925 more students off the waitlist and they still might admit some more. At this point, my hope has almost entirely faded, but I wish I could stop being on the line all the time.

I’ve been thinking about how long it’s taken me to build up any confidence in the things I do, and how hard it will be to build that same kind of confidence up for any other thing I pursue. And that’s still not saying that much, because I am not that confident in anything. I mean, okay, I’m not giving myself enough credit again, I can ACTUALLY DEAL WITH SOME THINGS NOW.

I am now going to talk about some things I really want to do now that I’m back in the sphere of being capable of wanting things. Cool. I really want to learn to drive a motorcycle sometime. I want to drive a motorcycle while wearing a leather jacket. I also want to learn how to pilot a plane. I think it’s just a combination of romantic appeal and the illusion of power. I think it’d be cool to impulsively sneak aboard a ship and become a sailor for a little bit. I feel like I wouldn’t get too seasick. I want to travel practically everywhere. Even Australia. If there’s a snake in my shower pipes, then maybe I can write a horror story about it. I want to go to the desert. I want to recreate Ferdinand Magellan’s little sea voyage and die in the Philippines. I want to write until I am empty and then fill myself up and write again. I want to open a theater and then abandon it and I want to make films and I want to start an underground mafia that operates under the guise of a really cool and obscure restaurant and I want to architect a whole city except that would make me feel too much like I am God and I want to go dancing and I want to be in a band and I want to start my own theatre troupe and I want to expose evil scandals and I want to do only everything I want for the rest of my life but that’s not gonna happen and I want to enjoy dressing up for funerals and when the apocalypse happens, I don’t want to be there for it.

No one is going to tell me how to dress. (I might wear my bra on the outside of my shirt tomorrow because my dad said it’s better than if my bra is visible underneath.) No one is going to stress me out of my mind every time I want to make plans. No one is going to tell me what I can and cannot do. No one is going to make me feel like I don’t have power over myself.

Don’t fool yourself, sunshine, this summer isn’t going to be like anything you’ve known. The past fucking year hasn’t. There are no exceptions to this new rule. Not now, not never.



Aruba Jamaica oooooo I wanna take ya

This is going to be a happier post.

all i care

Here’s Alyssa’s scoliosis x-ray that I also hung on my wall to be super edgy.

lady of sorrows

Here’s a statue of the Lady of Sorrows. I still feel a real kinship with the Lady of Sorrows, but I also don’t feel like that 100% of the time, so that’s nice.

I keep rereading Eireann’s call-out to me that she posted, I’m going to copy it here so I can have some more happy things (did I just call the Lady of Sorrows happy?). I’m just going to link myself to it here so I can look at it whenever I want (

I really want to work in a restaurant. I guess it sounds a little intimidating, but that’s the point. Please. Please scare the living hell out of me. It’s all I ever want.

Looking back, I had a really destructive attitude about relationships in the past. I really wanted it to destroy me. I kind of like that I had that attitude, but I am glad that I don’t anymore.

I can kind of feel myself going crazy sometimes but I think now is not one of those times. I’ve seen some of my craziest fantasies happen. Why should that not keep happening.

O.K. we all know I cannot just talk about happy things. I mean, I can make them happy. I’ve been kind of feeling insecure about how I don’t know what I’m studying, and then yesterday I had to go to the dentist, and he had to bitch to me about that of course. He was like, “You know, if my father hadn’t pushed me to be a dentist, I don’t know what I’d be doing” and then he asked me what I want to be when I “grow up” and I said, “a lot of things,” because I want to do a lot of things, and actually I don’t care that much, but today I mimicked him to my friend Kersten and she laughed and I felt better. I think as long as I don’t do things I don’t care about, I’m gonna be fine. I’m not gonna do useless shit to make myself feel important. I think the only good thing about hating everything like I do and being cynical is at least I can distinguish what’s actually important.

Kersten took up a whole page in my yearbook, which made me really happy. I had like five minutes to sign Eireann’s, I hope she likes it enough.

I am trying to work on this stupid poem, but these lines are the only thing I can actually stand:

I am a flower you shut in a dark room.

And you’re waiting to see if I’ll die

Or if I’ll bloom.


I have news.

Even from in here I will be

Your doom.


I am a flower you shut in a dark room // and you’re waiting to see if I’ll die // or if I’ll bloom

x  I hope I never kill myself over something stupid because I almost have so many times.

Or, I don’t know, the thing itself wasn’t really stupid, but it felt like that after it was resolved by something so minuscule.

Anyway, I have this wild theory that I’m going to be okay, even though at times I wonder what is actually holding me back from becoming a school shooter.  x

Oh boy, that was dark. Lighten up motherfucker. Anyway, I feel a lot better. I was feeling a lot like I’m completely alone, but then yesterday I talked to my friend, and he said that if I want something to happen, I can make it happen and other people will probably be willing to do it, and he reminded me that I have a lot of good friends who care about me, and I felt better.

I guess I feel this general disconnect with people and sometimes when I don’t feel that good, it gets so magnified and I convince myself I am completely and utterly alone in everything, when obviously that’s kind of a naive thing to think.

Not to be self-deprecating again, but I think I’ll try to pinpoint a few things about myself I hate:

Sometimes I ignore people because I assume they don’t want to talk to me. I don’t know why I do that, but I want to stop.

If I’m upset, everything has to turn into that.

I actually have nearly no confidence in myself.

I was going to list being sentimental about people here, but I don’t think that is a bad thing, and if I pretend it is, then I will discourage other people from being sentimental, and I really really don’t want to be the only one who’s sentimental.

And that’s enough of that, but I’m glad I got it out.

I feel fine about graduating now. It’s just kind of bittersweet. But I can’t stay. I have to go.

I’m not so sad about my Sun, either. She made her choice. I still have her flowers. I have no idea what to do with them. On Monday, I was mentally pacing around for hours debating whether or not I should throw them away. I thought it would make me feel better, and then I had this theory that the reason I feel so bad is because I haven’t given people back their things. On Tuesday, I decided I was going to burn them, in the bathtub so my house wouldn’t burn down, but I don’t have time to do all the things I want to do in a day. Today, I thought I should really give them back. There were two reasons I didn’t want to: 1) Revenge, 2) She said that after that, we’re done; I didn’t want to be done. So, I guess the question is, do I want to be done? Today, we had a very indirect conversation at lunch, as in, she was signing my friend’s yearbook, and she said something to her, and my friend said something, and then I commented on that. So it doesn’t really feel like all is lost, but I feel like I’ve moved on. Letting people go isn’t as hard anymore as it was the first time around and I’ve learned not to get so invested in one person.

That’s not to say I’m not invested in her. I can’t really picture not being invested in her. I’m not going to dwell on this too much, but I don’t really feel like anything is lost forever. I think whatever space we’ve had has been good for both of us. I may yet be forgiving. I always think up these great revenge schemes and grudges I’m going to hold forever, but I never follow through with any of it.

I don’t really hate myself for this happening anymore, either, because it makes sense. There had to be some kind of line of defense or nothing would make sense.

If there’s two things I tragically keep forgetting, it’s that 1) I can make things happen that I want to happen, 2) everybody probably doesn’t have some secret ingrained grudge against me. I can’t believe I actually got this far psychologically. It’s amazing. I think my philosophy that told me to pretend there are no consequences was better for some things, some important things, I may hold onto it.

I know I have no reason to be so afraid of the summer. Everything is different. I am not who I was (thank God), nobody else is who they were (thank God), I am going to have fun (doctrine), I am not going to be fine (doctrine), I am going to be more than fine (doctrine). It kind of baffles me that I am so scared, this was all I ever wanted. I never really thought about anything else but escaping. I always told myself, escape first. Think later.


Error: Try Again

Some nicknames I have had: Brain Mistress, The Girl Who Married The Grimm Reaper, Ms. Guillotine, Ka-Ching, She Who Is Quick To Anger, Mental Ward Patient, God, Dirjee

Quote from Mrs. Gounis: “Look at you. You don’t have to do ANYTHING. You can just sit around and look gorgeous.”

I’m no good but I painted a lot last night and

Why am I not in a mental asylum

I was going to say this is the last summer I ever have to feel like this, but that is stupid. I’m going to do whatever I want. Fact and not fiction.

There is so much I could do compulsively right now I am sick of doing things compulsively I wish I could just enjoy them I don’t think I’ve ever really enjoyed anything

Hi. Okay. It’s the next morning. Here is my mantra. It’s not my mantra but it’s my mantra.


I always have this imbalance when I get things I want and then it suddenly stops. I need to remember that what I want should be the only thing driving me. I think right now the things I want are so terrifying, I have to hide from them.





Entropy of the Universe Equals Zero

I have this feeling where I keep feeling like I’m stalling my life, but there’s not really anything I can do about it.

It’s so frustrating. I thought I’d magically turn 18 or be done with high school and I’d be doing everything I want but that’s not happening and every time I hold myself back, I remind myself that I am now an adult and I am responsible if anything I do leads me off track and I fuck anything up. And I can’t really blame it on being tragically a teenager anymore. I can’t hide under the guise of my family situation. I need to grow out of this for good but that’s scary in its own way.

I know I am not alone in this and that all my friends also don’t know what the fuck is happening to them and I don’t know, I’m tired of this. I just want SOMETHING but everything ends all the time or it doesn’t really matter that much.

I know I am slowly falling. I know I have done so much to try to prevent this and I need to not give myself options right now and fucking prevent this.

Okay. Here. I’m going to get an education. I’m going to act and I’m going to make films. I’m going to write. I’m going to travel. I’m going to jump out of an airplane. I’m going to Italy. I’m going to be fine. I’m going to be on my own like I always wanted. It’s just a little more and I can’t give up on this now. I’m always afraid things won’t be everything I build them up to be, but there’s no way this could not be.

I really really really feel not good, it’s kind of amazing, I can’t even remember what it was like not to.

What’s the point what’s the point what’s the point what’s the point WHAT IS THE POINT WHAT IS THE POINT WHAT IS THE POINT WHAT IS THE POINT

The only way I can feel better is if I go drive by myself on the highway.

I used to be so happy BUT THAT IS A LIE I know I’m lying and I know all I do is lie to myself.


The Storylines Are All Converging

I’ve been thinking a lot about this scenario. I am in the city. It is really dark. I am sitting on the edge of a pier by the water. I am really high up. I could practically be in the cosmos and nothing anyone has ever said to me matters.

Here’s the thing. I don’t ever have to come back down. I can stay high above everyone and barely hear a word anyone says to me. I think this is why I’m so frustrated right now. I can’t find my higher ground.


You really should stop talking

I feel really out of touch. I don’t know where reality and fantasy converge. I want to make myself unrecognizable. I want to see how far I can push myself while retaining the same chemical composition.

I’m trying to rearrange my priorities. I know it’ll all be fine and someday I will make a movie and invite all my friends to be in it and I think I’ll have a graduation party where I have a bonfire and ask everyone to bring stuff they want to burn and forget about forever and I think I’ve been doing fine with being clear about my intentions, at least. Not like with Scott my sophomore year. Not like with a lot of things. But I have to get better at forgiving myself for not knowing certain things before I learned them.

But here are some things I do know: 1) As long as I keep moving, I’ll be alright, 2) I know I shouldn’t waste my time, 3) I know what I am trying to do here, 4) I know I need to be suspended, 5) I know I need a lot of attention or I’ll wither, 6) I know I shouldn’t trust the devil when he’s calm, 7) I know I should be playing dirty with people who have done me wrong, 8) I know I shouldn’t feel guilty about being opportunistic because there’s obviously no such thing as karma, 9) I kind of feel this dread descending upon me now, but it doesn’t matter, 10) Nothing really does, 11) I think I am kind of sad about everyone going their separate ways, 12) Why am I not sad about all the ways I’ve been split into different versions of myself time and time again?, 13) Because it’s not something I am capable of missing.

I feel like things are ending instead of beginning, I don’t think that’s a real great thing to live with.

I want to have dreams. I want to remember them. I don’t want to forget them when I wake up.

Everything is just so

I want to bury everything. Everything. I want to forget the horrible things I’m built from. I want to forget the source and live out the tide. I feel like I have turned the tide. Why won’t you let me. Why can’t we speed this thing up.

I am so good at losing it



8:54 PM I think I finally know what it feels like to survive.

8:54 PM I’ve been sad.

8:54 PM I now know that there is no way to avoid this and I just have to keep moving.

8:55 PM That’s okay.

8:55 PM I think heartbreak is just the nature of everything.

8:55 PM But it’s not so bad.

8:56 PM It hurts.

8:56 PM I like it.

8:57 PM I also overreact.

8:57 PM It’s never very subtle.

8:57 PM I feel so calm. I’m not gonna drink when I’m upset anymore.

8:58 PM I won’t let anyone take my dreams from me.

8:58 PM I accept that everything that’s ever happened to me is only the universe trying to help me realize my destiny. I think I made up my destiny when I made that deal when I was about eight years old with either God or the devil. I don’t really believe in God or the devil, so maybe that was just the guise. Maybe there’s been a transfer of fate. Maybe I’ve really made the deal with myself.

9:00 PM I guess I kind of believe in the idea of an afterlife. I’m not sure how.

9:00 PM That kind of energy can’t just die.

9:01 PM If I just have faith that things will keep changing, and I do have faith, then I don’t have to worry about anything.

9:02 PM I guess someday the world will try to suffocate me and drown me in monotony. I won’t let it happen.

9:02 PM I don’t have to let it.

9:03 PM I guess this is the story I care most about. I can’t write fiction because I’m a narcissist.

9:04 PM I don’t want to anyway.

9:04 PM I think I have an addiction.

9:04 PM I mean there’s a difference between craving something and suffocating in it.

9:04 PM This feels like craving.

9:05 PM But other things are suffocating me.

9:05 PM I’m not responsible for how my desires shift. I’m not. But when they do. I have to listen.

9:07 PM I feel better when I do things of my own free will.

9:08 PM I’m a little worried I’ll never feel so crystal clear again but I know that’s not true.

9:08 PM And that I don’t really.

9:09 PM The deal? I hope it was a fair trade.

9:09 PM I am trying to figure out who I really made it with.

9:09 PM I think I was just trying to give myself a reason to survive.

9:10 PM It’s working. I won’t rest until I achieve my destiny.

9:10 PM It’ll never be done.