Now I Know The Real You

It astounds me how little information I have processed about the beach house. I think it’s because I barely slept over those 52-ish hours and sleep is when information processing happens and also because I was never really alone, or falling asleep alone, or anything like that. I guess this explains why a lot of other things have melted together for me, it feels the same way I always do during tech week, when I can’t remember what happened on what days.

I want to process this. I won’t go into great detail here, I have a different place for that (it really could be anything), so I’ll keep it short and sweet, just like too many things are right now. I guess Colin was right about how if you stay somewhere forever, it stops being exciting, but I wouldn’t have minded an extra day, and also, when he said that, I kind of pictured just living there and going to the beach every day and becoming a psychic and doing my thing, it’s completely what I need right now. I wish I could do that, not go to college yet and just live in some beach town with people I like and do my thing. I really think that’s what I need right now. I need to learn and going to school and trying to immerse myself in a setting I’m kind of used to just doesn’t feel like the right thing for me. I wish I could see what I need before it’s literally in front of me. And the thing is, I haven’t paid my tuition yet, I could totally do that, but I don’t have a car and I don’t have money and none of my friends need what I need, because I don’t plan ahead, because I never know what I need until it’s right in front of me.

And by that point it’s too late, it’s retreating, trying to get me to chase it, but I can’t chase it, I don’t even have a fishing net, only my bare hands.

I can only work when my blood is flowing, I need an electric chair or something to bring me to life whenever I feel like it.

I think my problem is that I don’t have the brain capacity to wrap myself around ambiguity. It’s the only thing that holds me, but I can’t understand it. I can’t flip the switch. If I’m on the defense, then I’m on the defense and there’s no changing that. I can forgive, but my body can’t. That’s why I feel so static here. I can’t truly forgive anyone, because that’s something I just can ‘t wire. My uncle was talking about this last summer, but I’m only making the connection now. It’s not my fault I can’t forgive those things. It’s natural, it’s what happens to you when your trust is betrayed. I can’t change that. I will never be able to truly forgive that, not in my mind but in my body, and we can never have a healthy functioning relationship, because one betrayal is enough to ruin that.

Do it to Julia.

When I told the psychic that my intended career path is a magician, I kind of wasn’t kidding. It’s the only word I could find to sum up what I actually want to do, which is do things that I wish would blow people away but really they’re not that original because it’s not like I’m a fucking witch or wizard.

I think the ambiguity is what will make me go insane, and I don’t mean insane like I am now, I mean insane like how I will end insane, and I know that is how I am going to end, I just know.

x

Ode to Eireann:

I have so much to say to you, and now I am saying it, because it’s overflowing in my head.

I’m not gonna go out of my way to show you this or anything, just like you didn’t for a LONG TIME. If you still read my blog, I’m sure you’ll chance upon it, if not, then maybe I’ll tell you about it by accident next time we see each other (a real while).

Oh, Eireann, where do I begin. I don’t think I can begin. I can never begin until I begin.

I know you constantly say you feel like a stagnant pond, but to me you are a flowing river, going in every direction, streaming off the map, bleeding to places I didn’t know you had in you. Every time I find out something new about you, Eireann, my heart shatters. In the best way possible. There are so many things I want to talk to you about, and I really hope to God you’ll talk to me about them, because I really need to talk to someone about that and I have for so long. You make my heart stop. You’re someone I can never pinpoint, because you’re always bleeding off the map, and I can’t help but follow the red with my eyes and map that area and wait for the next, I never know when it’s gonna fall. In this weird turnaround way, I feel like I could be a delayed version of you, if I wasn’t myself, I feel like the things you have discovered already are things I am trying to discover right now.

Eireann, I am flattered to be Jay Gatsby on crack to you. I can’t believe how easy you are to talk to. It’s so hard for me to find something like that. You are a thousand moons and a thousand suns. I feel this oneness with you all the time, but at the same time, I can’t crack you. It bothers the hell out of me. The things you keep secret are so unrelated to each other and it frustrates the hell out of me trying to find a connection, but I can’t.

Eireann, I am watching lightning right now, and that is how you make me feel. You flash before my eyes and I wish the flash would just freeze and hold. I want to say that I relate to you more than you know, but I think you know.

Every time we crack open a cold one together, I feel like I’ve found my soulmate in the boys. But I mean it. You give the best advice of anyone I’ve ever talked to. I don’t know where you get this perspective like you’re looking at everything from the heavens. I know I haven’t always taken it right away, but I just want you to know that even though I don’t always listen to you right away, I’m very very aware that you are right all along. I am in utter awe of you, and in other ways, I just find you so comforting, but in a celestial way, like there’s a celestial being looking at the earth from the heavens who can relate to me.

I know this is a weird thing to say, but I don’t think I would feel this way about you if your name was spelled any differently. But don’t mind me, I always say weird things like that.

I have more to say, I will always have more to say, but we’ve got time.

x

I think I make quite the case for myself.

I was going to reread my diary so I could jump-start my novel, but I don’t think I’m ready to see all of that and I don’t think it will help me at this point, I think I just need to fucking go.

And when I think of reading it, I want to throw up. I have no desire to relive the past right now. I think that I should focus on present revelations. There’s nothing else that I need.

x

Sometimes, they really convince me. Sometimes, I can feel myself going crazy, because everything seems like it’s fine, and maybe what happened didn’t really happen, maybe it wasn’t a big deal, maybe being so young made it all distorted in my head, maybe I am normal and just a little oversensitive. But I know I’m fooling myself. If what happened isn’t important, then I would not be the way I am, and I have been growing out of it ever since I have been capable of growth. It’s stunted me in some ways and propelled me in others, but it is obviously important, it has obviously made and shattered me, it is the only evidence I have of it happening at all.

don't think

sabines

~Kasia

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they keep dragging me around

I never summarized what happened at the beach house, I get carried away.

One thing I noticed at the beach house was that I really do have a changed attitude. Everyone else was talking and I felt like I was the least lost one there. It’s even stranger to think about how this completely came from inside me. I really doubt any of this translates to the outside world, but inside, I feel like I can handle things. Except when I don’t, which is the other half the time. Ambiguity is taking me apart.

I’m not sure I fully remember everything that happened. The first day was spent mostly inside. We tried to go to the beach, but it started raining like immediately. I am writing this as fast as I can because I am so scared of forgetting it.

remember

lock box

~Kasia

 

It just wasn’t what I needed anymore

I’m crashing. This has become a familiar feeling for me. I’ll be around my friends nonstop for a few days and then when it’s over, I get so unbearably lonely before I stabilize. It makes me feel so needy, but I think it’s just a byproduct of two things a) the juxtaposition between how I feel around my friends and how I feel around my family, which is fucking jarring b) This chasm I’ve had isn’t something that can be made up.

I’m listening to Mr Brightside because last night, I had to run away from it and towards the ocean and Callum followed me into the ocean and sang Phantom of the Opera with me until it was over. I saw a shadow chasing me and I thought it would be Colin, but I was so happy to see him, probably because I wasn’t expecting it. Anyway, I’m listening to it now, because I want to reclaim it, even though I can never reclaim it, even though I relish a little in how sick that song makes me for no good reason except this one encounter that wasn’t as shady as I make it out to be, was completely consensual–

But whatever, it’s not my fault seemingly inconsequential things make me upset and I won’t let myself feel that way.

The thing I’ve really learned about myself is how much I fucking need to be comfortable. I have more problems with trust than I thought and if someone doesn’t go out of their way to make me feel like I’m safe, then I will be on my guard and I won’t be able to relax and I know why.

Now that I am really letting myself have it, I’m addicted. And it’s ironic, because it’s been getting good just as I’m fucking losing it.

The thing is, I really have no one to talk to at my house and it’s hard for me to get to see my friends unless they whisk me away, and I didn’t really know what I was starved of until I stopped and then started again. I feel like I’ve discovered a different world lately, where I don’t have to be misunderstood, but whenever I am, it feels like I’m being kicked back down.

I’m so fragile when it comes to this and I think the best thing for me right now is to just be away from home until I’m in a place where I’m alright with myself enough not to be dragged under. And here’s another thing: I can learn to understand things without constantly having to relive them. I’ve been so scared I’d forget how it felt, but I know I’m not going to forget. It isn’t so easy to forget what something felt like, even if you forget practically everything else about it like what happened and where you were and what you were wearing (just kidding, not that one).

I guess the conclusion I am trying to come to here is that I’m pretty unstable, which will always be true I’m sure, but this right now is something that’s swinging dangerously, and while that sounds cool, it feels like hell, it really feels like hell.

I just want to drive with my friends to a playground at night and do things like that. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. I think the relationships I’ve been developing lately have taught me more than anything else could teach me right now, I think that’s the kind of learning I need right now, I think that’s what I should spend my time on, because I need that, and I’ve been thinking about this more, too: that IS my field of study. That is what I really want to know about. Dynamics are all I care about and this is the education I need and I think that should be my focus, not school, not “real” school, not anything else. No, I need to talk to people and extract their deepest darkest secrets and understand why they are the way they are and that’s the only thing that really matters to me right now and it’s taken me so long to see it, but I see it. Oh god I see it. It’s been fucking in front of me and I’ve been naive and blind and it doesn’t make any sense to me how I can never fucking see anything until it’s flying 100 miles an hour towards GONE.

I feel so so so much better after writing this out, I’m fine I’m fine. I know I’m comparatively not compared to what ‘fine’ means for other people, but as long as I’m fine for myself, I think I’m doing well. I think that’s why it trips me up so much when people ask me how I’m doing. I can’t even talk about depression, because I can’t think about it. In my head, I’ve beat it by not thinking about it. I just think I have a better perspective on things. In my head. I don’t think it really translates to my actions, I am by all means susceptible, but I think I’m pretty good at separating salt from water by now.

I think I’ve just spent so much of my life deprived of so many things that I require so much to function anything close to a normal human being.

I got a palm reading at the beach and it left me kind of spooked. I can easily see how all of the things the psychic lady said could be easily guessed, but I’d rather believe in mystical things, it’s more fun, and besides, I think if I want things to be mystical, which I desperately do, it’s my job to do it.

I think I’m really learning what I need, so that makes me feel sustained even though everyone thinks I’m unstable (jeez I don’t wonder why). I suppose I’m at the tip of the iceberg or whatever, but it’s the first solid footing I’ve ever felt, of course it feels final to me, of course it feels like everything just because it’s fucking anything.

I want to download all of my documents and bring my laptop to Poland so I can finally get started on this thing. It’s been less and less clear to me what “this thing” is, but that’s just because everything is changing. The worst part is I don’t know if my message should be what I wanted it to be originally or the exact opposite. I feel like I’ll know when I start writing, which sounds stupid and counter-intuitive and, SHOCKER, it is.

As much as I’ve been dreading the six weeks, I need to remember that I’m in a completely different boat now than I was last year. I’m fine, for me, my attitude has changed, I have changed, I just hate coming back to places I’ve felt inconsolably bad, it’s like reclaiming the months all over again, now I have to reclaim this fucking bedroom. But I’ll do it. I’ll watch the curtains turn red in glee. I’ll stay up all night writing jet-lagged things, I’ll fall asleep on the balcony, I know my rights, I know my rights, I know my rights, I know my rights, I won’t choke on the irony of being chased into the corner.

Colin bought me a jellyfish (no not a real one) (yes a real one) (no not a real one), I just said I wanted it and then he bought it for me (people can do that?), I felt so bad about it, but not anymore, I really fucking love jellyfish it’s a great jellyfish, it’s hanging from a nail on my wall, I haven’t seen it in weeks. I can’t explain it, but I have this really deep urge to do more for him than he does for me, I want to top him in every way, I know it’s not supposed to be a competition but I really can’t put that desire under me.

I know this is a long blog post, maybe I should start another one for the grand spectacle of processing information.

~Kasia

 

The Sun and the Moon Never See Each Other

Dear Sun,

What we had was innocent. It was nice. It brought me this fleeting joy. But it didn’t run as deep as this. It wasn’t so magnetic, it didn’t make me stand still. You made me happy, in these fleeting moments, but you didn’t change me. You weren’t my revolution. You didn’t cause me to overthrow myself. Sun, you’re magnificent, but even stars can be swallowed up by black holes, I sure have been, mysterious black holes that sweep you away to another dimension. I’m never gonna be the same, Sun. You shone on me every single day, but you never got close enough to set me on fire.

I never wanted to hurt you. I know how it happened, but I also can’t explain what I was thinking in words that you can comprehend. I never wanted to hurt you, Sun, but what’s done is done.

You were my signature in the painting, you sprouted over it like a weed, the most beautiful weed, but how can I explain to you what it feels like to bask in the presence of the person orchestrating your whole color palette?

Maybe in another world, this never had to happen, but I don’t think I want to be in that world. I don’t have to just live with my choices anymore. I can be happy with them. I can mean it.

I am not in your universe anymore.

~Brain Mistress

In your vacuous black, stars stuck all over

6.5.17

3:39 PM

You will always be the hole in my heart.

3:40 PM

Letting go takes too long. I wanted to just be ripped out by the roots.

3:40 PM

Why is everything so gradual.

3:40 PM

I wish I never read The Grave.

3:42 PM

I fucking need to be watered. I feel so deprived.

3:42 PM

Who wouldn’t go crazy with this on-off switch?

3:43 PM

Abuse, love, forgiveness, power game, everything goes still. I would never ever move. I will stay still. You are so good at making sure.

3:44 PM

You know what scares me now? Distance.

3:45 PM

Make up your god damn mind.

3:46 PM

I think that is the general theme of everything. Ambiguity and indecision and breaking the trance and going back to the trance and not understanding the juxtaposition between goodness and evil, and love and abuse, and breathing and drowning, how am I supposed to make myself understand, I don’t know where to get my education from.

3:47 PM

There is so much that has stunted me. These next few years will blow me open.

3:50 PM

Can I take the light?

3:52 PM

Natalie is next on my black list, Natalie, I’m coming for you.

3:55 PM

Am I oversensitive, is this real?

3:56 PM

Separation will purify me.

3:56 PM

I DIDN’T WANT IT LIKE THIS, I WANTED IT TO BE VIOLENT, I WANTED IT TO LEAVE ME SHELL SHOCKED, I WANTED IT TO BE PERMANENT, I WANTED IT TO BE FOR GOOD, I DON’T THINK I’LL FEEL IT THE RIGHT WAY. I WANTED TO DO THIS THE RIGHT WAY.

3:58 PM

Loss of memory: never.

3:59 PM

I really wanted to see how far I could go.

4:02 PM

I’m ungrateful and it’s because I think everything has this cosmic significance.

4:06 PM

I wonder what it would be like to take everything lightly.

riot

~Kasia

Overlapping Intentions

6.4.17

Okay, so a few days ago, I went down a water slide in my clothes (on a raft, mind you, there’s some foresight here) and didn’t realize there was going to be a pool at the bottom somehow, and then I realized that was a giant metaphor for my relationship with my future. The lack of foresight I have is just amazing. So yeah, apparently, there’s a pool. and apparently, I am now a high school graduate.

pool

Callum made this his fucking cover photo which kills me in more ways than one.

I graduated from high school. I didn’t think I could do it and it wasn’t easy, but I now know the harder thing will be graduating from my living situation.

I fall down so easily and I think this might lead me to study ancient Greek or something just so I can be as distracted as possible at all hours of the day, except it also takes a lot to distract me from everything in my brain.

I am pretty convinced that I need to become a mystic. I’m gonna try to communicate with the dead. I might accidentally open a portal to hell but I kind of feel like I have nothing to lose.

I need to get better at using people. I thought I was pretty good at it already, but we can do better.

6.5.17

Now that my life has no structure anymore, I’ve realized how much structure actually motivates me, and how much not having time to do anything makes me get more done. I kind of just want to make a list of all the paradoxes present in my life, but

No. No no no. Not at all. Okay. Let’s start over.

6.5.17

I’m trying to play Mandy Goes to Med School on piano, but all the notes sound wrong. Maybe I’m playing in the wrong key. I’m not even totally sure what that means. Maybe I should write a screenplay, maybe I am not cut out for fucking anything.

I need to write more cohesive things here, isn’t all this jumping around making you tired? It’s making me tired.

I think that the tone shift in my novel might be a lot easier if I just reread my diary. I said ‘reread,’ but I don’t think I’ve ever done that from the beginning. It’s got to be there. I don’t want to talk about my novel, but I can’t really describe it to other people right now except as “psychological satire,” also I’m not really sure what I’m including, what I’m extracting, what I’m withholding, what I’m going with here, but it better STICK hard.

~Kasia

Sometimes there’s nothing you can do to stop the river

Here’s another blog post in the string of unpublished blog posts that I wrote a few days ago and then we’re done:

Dear Sun,

The truth is, I have no idea how to pinpoint what I felt for you. It didn’t end at friendship, but I don’t know what it WAS. I have this theory that society tells people that relationships need to be either romantic or platonic, but I feel like a lot of mine fall somewhere on that spectrum in between.

I do miss you. I can’t pretend I don’t miss you. There was so much we didn’t get to do and so much we didn’t get to know about each other and I felt like we were getting to that point.

The thing is, you’re not as lost as I am. The other thing is, you’re not self destructive like I am. If you were, you would never have wanted this, and I think the thing is, I am attracted to self-destruction. You have this instinct for protecting yourself that I completely lack.

Everything was so innocent and I miss that. I think I need more attention than normal people. But maybe I was wrong about that, too, because I’m doing okay right now.

I have a strong feeling like this isn’t over but I just wish I hadn’t given you space when you asked for it. I can’t fix your inability to trust me. That is a problem so completely ingrained in you my dear.

I DON’T KNOW where to go from here with you. There’s nothing I can do, right? Right? Sometimes I’m worried I give up my power before it’s really gone.

I really want to go out to dinner! That’s all. You know when you said you’d like to take me to an intimate restaurant? I want to take you up on that offer. Pretty badly. I wish we could just both meet up in our dreams and go do that.

xx

I feel like I keep asking people for answers but no one will give them to me. Maybe the problem is that I keep looking for them somewhere else when I am the only person who can answer my own questions. But I don’t really believe that. I’m just trying to make myself feel better.

~Kasia

Who cares if I am late to the party

God I don’t want to leave my brother alone next year. I don’t want to have to worry about if he’s going crazy here and I’m scared we’ll drift apart, but I know that’s not true, I think things will be better, but I also don’t want to leave him all alone. At the same time, I know I can count on him to be my CIA agent. It’s funny. I can see him having all of the emotional blocks I did. It might take him even longer to become genuine, and it is still so hard for me to be genuine while I’m here. Mostly I revert back to my same mechanisms. But I had something that helped me come into myself, despite all of the ways I’ve been stunted here. I hope he finds that. I think he’s already way better at taking back power than I am. I don’t know why it’s so different for us. But at the same time, it’s not, because I can see him doing everything I used to do, except at the time, I didn’t know why I was doing it. It felt like I was running around blindfolded.

I’m glad I’ve been writing here again. I know it’s kind of a spotty record given how there are gaps stretching over some monumental spans of time, but I think the things you don’t say are as important as the things you do say. So why am I addressing some things and not others?

I’ve been waiting so long for things to be important. They always have been, I guess, but now, they are so important that anything I do freezes forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and

Now. Now my choices are real. Now everything is consequential. It’s always been consequential. It took me so long to become acquainted with the fact that everything I do will be drilled into my head forever.

Now I have the immense desire to work in a movie theater and see all of the free movies I want. They better accept THIS freaking application.

I hope I die before I get sick. I don’t even know how I would deal with something like that. I don’t. I’m coming up empty.

xxxxxxxx

Dear Sun,

I am in SO MUCH PAIN whenever I am forced to think of you. Whenever I see your name. I now know why you did what you did. You are good at protecting yourself. I wish I was that good at it.

Dear Sun,

I am such a liar.

~Kasia

You have been terminated

Dear Sun,

I know I said I’d only break your heart at some point, but I could picture you breaking my heart, too. My point is, this could never have ended well. You’re not somebody I could end well with. Even if you hadn’t been brave, do you think we could have ever ended well? Nothing ends well but especially not me and especially not you. Maybe my mom’s right and you have that evil glint in your eye. She makes me think I’m the devil straight out of hell, though, too, so I probably shouldn’t trust her.

Dear Sun,

You know, I feel so much clearer now that there’s nothing I can do about you, but I can’t let go of the feeling that I should have yelled at you while I was still mad. I put that candle out. I sink everything.

Dear Sun,

But you don’t hate me? Do you hate me? Because you used to love me?

Dear Sun,

I did the right thing for myself, I don’t think I’ve ever done that before.

Dear Sun,

I can’t remember anything. I’ve redacted you.

x

Here’s another letter I’ve written you:

Dear Sun,

I stopped wearing your jewelry after prom. Out of love I am letting you go. I’ve set the timer back to zero. You know where to find me.

xoxo, Moon

Here’s the last letter I am writing to you.

Dear Sun,

You know where to find me.

~Kasia