The Sun and the Moon Never See Each Other

Dear Sun,

What we had was innocent. It was nice. It brought me this fleeting joy. But it didn’t run as deep as this. It wasn’t so magnetic, it didn’t make me stand still. You made me happy, in these fleeting moments, but you didn’t change me. You weren’t my revolution. You didn’t cause me to overthrow myself. Sun, you’re magnificent, but even stars can be swallowed up by black holes, I sure have been, mysterious black holes that sweep you away to another dimension. I’m never gonna be the same, Sun. You shone on me every single day, but you never got close enough to set me on fire.

I never wanted to hurt you. I know how it happened, but I also can’t explain what I was thinking in words that you can comprehend. I never wanted to hurt you, Sun, but what’s done is done.

You were my small detail in the painting, you sprouted over it like a weed, the most beautiful weed, how can I explain to you what it feels like to bask in the presence of the person orchestrating your whole color palette?

Maybe in another world, this never had to happen, but I don’t think I want to be in that world. I don’t have to just live with my choices anymore. I can be happy with them. I can mean it.

I am not in your universe anymore.

~Brain Mistress

In your vacuous black, stars stuck all over


3:39 PM

You will always be the hole in my heart.

3:40 PM

Letting go takes too long. I wanted to just be ripped out by the roots.

3:40 PM

Why is everything so gradual.

3:40 PM

I wish I never read The Grave.

3:42 PM

I fucking need to be watered. I feel so deprived.

3:42 PM

Who wouldn’t go crazy with this on-off switch?

3:43 PM

Abuse, love, forgiveness, power game, everything goes still. I would never ever move. I will stay still. You are so good at making sure.

3:44 PM

You know what scares me now? Distance.

3:45 PM

Make up your god damn mind.

3:46 PM

I think that is the general theme of everything. Ambiguity and indecision and breaking the trance and going back to the trance and not understanding the juxtaposition between goodness and evil, and love and abuse, and breathing and drowning, how am I supposed to make myself understand, I don’t know where to get my education from.

3:47 PM

There is so much that has stunted me. These next few years will blow me open.

3:50 PM

Can I take the light?

3:52 PM

Natalie is next on my black list, Natalie, I’m coming for you.

3:55 PM

Am I oversensitive, is this real?

3:56 PM

Separation will purify me.

3:56 PM


3:58 PM

Loss of memory: never.

3:59 PM

I really wanted to see how far I could go.

4:02 PM

I’m ungrateful and it’s because I think everything has this cosmic significance.

4:06 PM

I wonder what it would be like to take everything lightly.


Overlapping Intentions


Okay, so a few days ago, I went down a water slide in my clothes (on a raft, mind you, there’s some foresight here) and didn’t realize there was going to be a pool at the bottom somehow, and then I realized that was a giant metaphor for my relationship with my future. The lack of foresight I have is just amazing. So yeah, apparently, there’s a pool. and apparently, I am now a high school graduate.


Callum made this his fucking cover photo which kills me in more ways than one.

I graduated from high school. I didn’t think I could do it and it wasn’t easy, but I now know the harder thing will be graduating from my living situation.

I fall down so easily and I think this might lead me to study ancient Greek or something just so I can be as distracted as possible at all hours of the day, except it also takes a lot to distract me from everything in my brain.

I am pretty convinced that I need to become a mystic. I’m gonna try to communicate with the dead. I might accidentally open a portal to hell but I kind of feel like I have nothing to lose.

I need to get better at using people. I thought I was pretty good at it already, but we can do better.


Now that my life has no structure anymore, I’ve realized how much structure actually motivates me, and how much not having time to do anything makes me get more done. I kind of just want to make a list of all the paradoxes present in my life, but

No. No no no. Not at all. Okay. Let’s start over.


I’m trying to play Mandy Goes to Med School on piano, but all the notes sound wrong. Maybe I’m playing in the wrong key. I’m not even totally sure what that means. Maybe I should write a screenplay, maybe I am not cut out for fucking anything.

I need to write more cohesive things here, isn’t all this jumping around making you tired? It’s making me tired.

I think that the tone shift in my novel might be a lot easier if I just reread my diary. I said ‘reread,’ but I don’t think I’ve ever done that from the beginning. It’s got to be there. I don’t want to talk about my novel, but I can’t really describe it to other people right now except as “psychological satire,” also I’m not really sure what I’m including, what I’m extracting, what I’m withholding, what I’m going with here, but it better STICK hard.


Sometimes there’s nothing you can do to stop the river

Here’s another blog post in the string of unpublished blog posts that I wrote a few days ago and then we’re done:

Dear Sun,

The truth is, I have no idea how to pinpoint what I felt for you. It didn’t end at friendship, but I don’t know what it WAS. I have this theory that society tells people that relationships need to be either romantic or platonic, but I feel like a lot of mine fall somewhere on that spectrum in between.

I do miss you. I can’t pretend I don’t miss you. There was so much we didn’t get to do and so much we didn’t get to know about each other and I felt like we were getting to that point.

The thing is, you’re not as lost as I am. The other thing is, you’re not self destructive like I am. If you were, you would never have wanted this, and I think the thing is, I am attracted to self-destruction. You have this instinct for protecting yourself that I completely lack.

Everything was so innocent and I miss that. I think I need more attention than normal people. But maybe I was wrong about that, too, because I’m doing okay right now.

I have a strong feeling like this isn’t over but I just wish I hadn’t given you space when you asked for it. I can’t fix your inability to trust me. That is a problem so completely ingrained in you my dear.

I DON’T KNOW where to go from here with you. There’s nothing I can do, right? Right? Sometimes I’m worried I give up my power before it’s really gone.

I really want to go out to dinner! That’s all. You know when you said you’d like to take me to an intimate restaurant? I want to take you up on that offer. Pretty badly. I wish we could just both meet up in our dreams and go do that.


I feel like I keep asking people for answers but no one will give them to me. Maybe the problem is that I keep looking for them somewhere else when I am the only person who can answer my own questions. But I don’t really believe that. I’m just trying to make myself feel better.


Who cares if I am late to the party

God I don’t want to leave my brother alone next year. I don’t want to have to worry about if he’s going crazy here and I’m scared we’ll drift apart, but I know that’s not true, I think things will be better, but I also don’t want to leave him all alone. At the same time, I know I can count on him to be my CIA agent. It’s funny. I can see him having all of the emotional blocks I did. It might take him even longer to become genuine, and it is still so hard for me to be genuine while I’m here. Mostly I revert back to my same mechanisms. But I had something that helped me come into myself, despite all of the ways I’ve been stunted here. I hope he finds that. I think he’s already way better at taking back power than I am. I don’t know why it’s so different for us. But at the same time, it’s not, because I can see him doing everything I used to do, except at the time, I didn’t know why I was doing it. It felt like I was running around blindfolded.

I’m glad I’ve been writing here again. I know it’s kind of a spotty record given how there are some gaps stretching over some monumental spans of time, but I think the things you don’t say are as important as the things you do say. So why am I addressing some things and not others?

I’ve been waiting so long for things to be important. They always have been, I guess, but now, they are so important that anything I do freezes forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and

Now. Now my choices are real. Now everything is consequential. It’s always been consequential. It took me so long to become acquainted with the fact that everything I do will be drilled into my head forever.

Now I have the immense desire to work in a movie theater and see all of the free movies I want. They better accept THIS freaking application.

I hope I die before I get sick. I don’t even know how I would deal with something like that. I don’t. I’m coming up empty.


Dear Sun,

I am in SO MUCH PAIN whenever I am forced to think of you. Whenever I see your name. I now know why you did what you did. You are good at protecting yourself. I wish I was that good at it.

Dear Sun,

I am such a liar.


You have been terminated

Dear Sun,

I know I said I’d only break your heart at some point, but I could picture you breaking my heart, too. My point is, this could never have ended well. You’re not somebody I could end well with. Even if you hadn’t been brave, do you think we could have ever ended well? Nothing ends well but especially not me and especially not you. Maybe my mom’s right and you have that evil glint in your eye. She makes me think I’m the devil straight out of hell, though, too, so I probably shouldn’t trust her.

Dear Sun,

You know, I feel so much clearer now that there’s nothing I can do about you, but I can’t let go of the feeling that I should have yelled at you while I was still mad. I put that candle out. I sink everything.

Dear Sun,

But you don’t hate me? Do you hate me? Because you used to love me?

Dear Sun,

I did the right thing for myself, I don’t think I’ve ever done that before.

Dear Sun,

I can’t remember anything. I’ve redacted you.


Here’s another letter I’ve written you:

Dear Sun,

I stopped wearing your jewelry after prom. Out of love I am letting you go. I’ve set the timer back to zero. You know where to find me.

xoxo, Moon

Here’s the last letter I am writing to you.

Dear Sun,

You know where to find me.