true love dissolves right in his hands

hi. want to know some fun facts about me? no.

the last two loverss i’ve have told me i need therapy.

i hate introducing people to each other because it makes me nervous.

i don’t know where i’m gonna live next year.

i don’t want to transfer to a different school.

everybody complains about my dorm but i like it.

i’ve never been to therapy.

i haven’t done a play since april 2017.

i identify myself by something i barely do except maybe here.

i like to be sober more than i give it credit for except in my head.

the longer i don’t let myself have what i want, the more that desire fades.

i’ve understood in the past few months what time really feels like when you’re not in high school.

pens from the dollar store are great, but bubbles from the dollar store suck.

if you carry around the deck of cards your friend gave you for xmas everywhere, the box is gonna get a little bit ruined so maybe leave it at home because it’s not like you read those cards out in public anyway, it’s always been just an afterthought.

i’ve got no desire to do anything to my hair.

i can’t go out on friday nights anymore because i sold my soul to this radio show.

my mom made me think she’s having an affair today and i got really excited but she’s not.

i always ruin my nails when i paint them because i’m too impatient to wait for them to dry.

being mean to people doesn’t actually make me feel good but it does validate me a little.

i think i want to be an english major.

my only religion is my internal monologue.

i don’t have an internal monologue.

i have an external monologue like this one.

but it isn’t continuous.

i have this one friend and when i see her, i’ll think everything’s great and we’re perfect together, but then i’ll find out i haven’t filled her hopes and something in me sinks.

i believe i’m enrolled in a math class that’s not required of me right now but i am not going to opt out of it.

i read to read candide for tomorrow and i’ve actually been enjoying it but i haven’t been able to go on with it this evening.

i  completely believe that some things are better internalized.

i have this photo strip hanging right in front of me of me and my friends that i hated at the time we took it but i’m happy now.

i have what feels like a mosquito bite but i know there are no mosquitoes here.

i’m choking on the irony of reading about the symptoms of bed bugs from my bed.

~Kasia

 

 

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Francis Forever

sometimes i water things down so i can taste them better. sometimes i end up completely hinged through an entire weekend that i thought was gonna unmake me. sometimes doing things out of spite gets to be stupid when you love the person. sometimes i can’t tell how long my hair is. sometimes i can’t tell where this street ends or where it begins. sometimes i can’t tell where the night ends or when it begins. sometimes i push people around i push them down the stairs i use them as my punching bags sometimes i hide behind the trees in my backyard sometimes i refuse to come back in my house. sometimes my mother has to get me up and off my knees. sometimes i dream that i’ve lost my voice. sometimes other people are more forgiving towards me than i am towards myself. sometimes i regret having met people because we’re still strangers after all the trouble we went to. sometimes the bath room becomes my emergency room. sometimes i almost fall asleep still wearing my coat because 70 degrees is too cold for me. sometimes i make myself late to the train on purpose just to see if it was meant to be or not. sometimes i can’t think of a good way to nurture my violent side, and i don’t want it to become obsolete. sometimes i’m so naive as to think that might be possible. sometimes it overflows. sometimes i go somewhere just to see if i can find it but i don’t go inside. or i’m too nervous to go inside but i tell myself i was just trying to find it. sometimes, people get hurt because they don’t see their place in my experiment. sometimes, i gotta interpret whatever’s happening as the be all end all. sometimes i see through it. sometimes, i see a doppelganger of someone i know and later realize it was probably that person. most of the time, i can’t put thread through a needle. sometimes, i can. but then all hell breaks loose again. sometimes, i go away for a while and i forget that i live here. sometimes, someone yells my name from a car as i’m walking down the street, and i’m like, never mind. i definitely live here.

~Kasia

Imbalance in the Universe

hate when this happens. i’ve been shaking for days.

————

“should i be afraid to be alone with you” yes.

“i can do anything, but i can’t wait.” you’re right.

————-

do you ever think things are good and then something happens and you find out they’ve never been worse? how does that happen?/ it’s happened.a lot.

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I feel positively dreamy.

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where you have died, i see flames.

 

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why can’t you just ride it out

—————-

ride it out.

~Kasia

The Elephant On My Chest STILL

what do we have if we don’t have distance? the space above our heads shrinks until it reaches our lungs and our heads are cut off.


i used to be obsessed with wanting to make an unsuccessful suicide attempt, which tells me one of two things 1) I wanted to do it for the story. 2) I wanted to do something to make me feel like I was reborn. so. both of them.


all i can think of is being in washington d.c. when everything was ripe and i slept completely wrong and couldn’t turn my fucking neck so i bought these fucking heat patches from cvs and stuck them to my neck every night but they were so cold they were like ice they were like hot and cold patches or something. freeze and burn. probably none of those names because they’re all fake.


the best kind of music to listen to when you’re heartbroken is. pop music. because it doesn’t feel real. none of it feels fucking real.


everything is so so so wrong.


oh you too, huh?



~Kasia

Total Freedom = Maximum Insecurity

do i have a person of priority in my life? absolutely. i couldn’t live without this person. i could not BREATHE. i don’t know what it’d be like but i know that it’d be unbearable. i don’t know what i’d become but i know that i’d be unbearable. i imagine losing this person a lot. it’s almost an obsession.

————-

i feel like i used to feel at summer camp. it’s not a good way. and it’s only cause the window’s open. sometimes,

———–

i don’t want you to remember me like this so i’m not gonna give you a chance.

———-

i wish i could put a carbon monoxide spell on the whole city

———

i am mesmerized by your voice your fingertips

———

everything i want is before me but i’ll turn to gold.

——-

i feel. intimidated. i feel. intimi-dation.

——

it’s just my mentalscape

——-

i am mesmerized. your voice. your veil. your fingers.

——

you have to know when to press (it)

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i’ve felt like crying all day.

——

i’ve distorted you so much.

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i can’t get you and i can’t get ANYTHING.

 

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i’ve been SSSSSSHHAKING ALL DAY

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atoms act differently when they clashhhhh together

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i am frozen the way that i thought i was frozen.

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HUMAN NATURE

——–

ROBOT NATURE

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silence makes you feel bad, don’t be silent

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i don’t feel great mentally, we know each other mentally

————–

———-

equal. we’re all equal. this equality is a problem.

——-

constantly “afraid.” fear of death! conflict! continual conflict! violence!

——-

at the end of the day, anyone can be killed by anybody else.

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i need to be free, i need to be free of you.

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right to self-preservation, right to do anything we need to do.

——-

you’ve dissolved, melted me. i am the solute and you’re the solution.

——-

but that’s not right. i’m the solution.

——–

i’m the only solution.

————

at least for me.

——

“the right to keep ourselves alive”

——

i have a right to everything.

——–

Total Freedom = Maximum Insecurity

——–

there is nothing that is off limits in the state of nature

——

nothing’s gonna get made

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no knowledge, no arts, no letters, no society

——–

we all die young and violently in the state of nature

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full full full live it full

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we are all vastly and deeply afraid of each other in the state of nature

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give up your power. give up your right to unlimited self government.

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we give up our power to something that can control both of us. to a SOVEREIGN

——

really? i’m not? please

——-

fear keeps you in line.

~~~

If I Was Going To Kill Myself, I Wouldn’t Leave A Note

i don’t think i care about anything but physical sensations anymore.

________________

maybe things would be different if i didn’t start this year crying in the bathroom.

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but they’re not.

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everything’s getting so short.

______________

and i’m not getting anywhere.

______________

i’m especially not getting anywhere in my mind.

____________

i didn’t do anything worth describing today.

__________

but i said i would and i keep my word.

_________

i came back to my dorm with suitcases.

_________

i lost my driver’s license buying mia cigarettes.

 

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my mother taught me how to sew.

_________

i could probably give somebody stitches.

________

and like it.

_________

i’d drink my other juice but then i wouldn’t have any juice.

________

i just did my homework.

_______

it felt really strange.

_______

i had to read an excerpt from leviathan by thomas hobbes.

______

i read that freshman year of high school.

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it talks about how war is the natural state of man.

_______

i wish we still had an honor system.

______

and i could be as cruel as i wanted.

______

without anybody judging me.

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SADIST.

_______

but there you

_______

have it.

_______

_______

_______

 

~Kasia

they must needs– by the difference of their interests– dissolve–

I have one person in this world who might share a sliver of my soul. We don’t belong to each other but can’t exist without each other. We might belong more to each other on our deathbeds than we ever did for our whole lives. We’re both in this constant state of ennui. We feel so much and it makes us swirl with power to the point where the ground opens at our feet trying to rid itself of this earth threatening alien life formation. But we’re both empty. And we’ve seen what it all comes to. We see how at one moment everything is monumental and everything is covered up. And that is why we don’t want anything. And when other people look at us, they see two people full of promise and full of desire. And we might have promise. But we don’t have desire.

~Kasia