Chemical Deterioration

I’m losing feeling in every part of my body and I feel really bad about it. But I’m gonna keep it a secret.

~Kasia

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ADDICTED TO THE ALPHABET

dear colin,

a is for accident.

b is for bleach all over my/your shirt.

c is for colin because it’s my favorite name.

d is for drunk with the fishes.

e is for eden like the garden.

f is for fight the forest.

g is for guitar.

h is for hampton.

i is for illicitly and illegally in love.

j is for jonestown.

k is for phonetics, right?

l is for love as in courtney love.

m is for make it in cali.

n is for narcissism.

o is for OH NO!

p is for pick like the one you lost.

q is for QUIET.

r is for red red roses, pinks and posies.

s is for serial killers, i might classify as one if you spelled that first word a little differently but i know you know how to spell it. and also for six weeks. am i cheating? fuck.

t is for texas accent.

u is for understand.

v is for vroom.

w is for water bottle thief. or is it for windy bitch?

x is for x just x.

y is for you’re everything to me.

z is for zelda because i would definitely throw myself down the stairs just to get your attention.

love,
Kasia

Always stuck in the doorway.

Here’s my favorite song in the whole world and I guess now I am capable of admitting it or something.

When you left, the door was 
(slamming) 
You paused in the doorway 
(slamming) 
As though a thought stole you away 
(slamming) 
I watched the world pull you away 
(Lock it) 

So I run into the hall 
(Lock it) 
Into the corridor 
(Lock it) 
There's a door in the house 
(slamming) 
I hear the lift descending 
(slamming) 
I hear it hit the landing 
(slamming) 
See the hackles on the cat 
(standing) 

With my key I 
(lock it) 
With my key I 
(lock it up) 
With my key I 
(lock it) 
With my key I 
(lock it up) 

I am the concierge chez-moi, honey 
Won't let ya in for love, nor money 
("Let me in!") 
My home, my joy 
I'm barred and bolted and I 
(Won't let you in) 
(Get out of my house!) 

No stranger's feet 
Will enter me 
(Get out of my house!) 
I wash the panes 
(Get out of my house!) 
I clean the stains away 
(Get out of my house!) 

This house is as old as I am 
(Slamming) 
This house knows all I have done 
(Slamming) 
They come with their weather hanging 'round them 
(Slamming) 
But can't knock my door down 
(Slamming) 

With my key I 
(lock it) 
With my key I 
(lock it) 

This house is full of m-m-my mess 
(Slamming) 
This house is full of m-m-mistakes 
(Slamming) 
This house is full of m-m-madness 
(Slamming) 
This house is full of, full of, full of fight 
(Slam it) 

With my keeper I 
(clean up) 
With my keeper I 
(clean it all up) 
With my keeper I 
(clean up) 
With my keeper I 
(clean it all up) 

I am the concierge chez-moi, honey 
Won't letcha in for love, nor money 
("It's cold out here!") 
My home, my joy 
I'm barred and bolted and I 
(Get out of my house!) 
(Won't let you in) 

(Get out of my house!) 
No stranger's feet 
(Get out of my house!) 
Will enter me 
(Get out of my house!) 
I wash the panes 
(Get out of my house!) 
I clean the stains 
(Get out of my house!) 
(Get out of my house!) 
(Get out of my house!) 
(Get out of my house!) 
Won't enter me 
(Get out of my house!) 
(Get out of my house!) 
(Get out of my house!) 
(Get out of my house!) 
Yeah! Won't let you in 
(Get out of my house!) 
(Get out of my house!) 
"Let me in!" 

"Woman let me in! 
Let me bring in the memories! 
 Woman let me in! 
Let me bring in the Devil Dreams!" 

I will not let you in! 
Don't you bring back the reveries 
I turn into a bird 
 Carry further than the word is heard 

"Woman let me in! 
I turn into the wind. 
I blow you a cold kiss, 
 Stronger than the song's hit." 

I will not let you in 
I face towards the wind 
I change into the Mule 
"I change into the Mule.

~Kasia

Ride all the way to the end of the line.

Dear B—–,

I’ll be obsessed with you for the rest of my life and I hate it. If someone hurts me, I become obsessed with them and I’ll put them on the walls of my brain behind a golden frame and it’s just how it is. The most untouchable people are the ones who get the pedestals.

I suppose I am mourning the end of the next era of my life. I’m in constant mourning, because I know. Things will never again be the way they are now. It’s not something that I want to change. But it’s something that I have to mourn.

I wish I didn’t have to use you to comfort myself or think about you at all, but I do. Whenever she plays that stupid song is when you course through my blood and I have to cry. I guess you never forget the first time. It’s never gonna hurt again, but it doesn’t fucking matter.


I was born inside my head// That is where I’ll be when I’m// Dead.

~Kasia

Is there more to lose than gain// If I Go On My Own Again

The way I see it, there are all these people in the world. People who write textbooks and people who are swim instructors and people who are construction workers and people who vacuum the escalators at 2 a.m. People who don’t make sense to me. People I would never be. There are billions of all of these people I would never be. I can’t understand how they came to where they are. I only know that I will never find myself there and I will never understand. They all seem to fit into the fabric somehow. They all seem to be insiders. I don’t have anything like that. I don’t want to be them, but I still feel like I am outside of everything. I know I shouldn’t be jealous, but I still feel a little jealous, like they know something I don’t.

~Kasia

reflections still look the same to me as before i went under

wish i could give you all the dates, but i can’t, i’m sorry i’m sorry.


i have arrived here at the question of full capacity. i’m sick of departing.

(if you skip out on another week i’ll kill you) (i hate that i need you to fill this hole in my head) (but i love it too)


november 25

dear mrs. gounis,

I am not writing this as a cry for help, or because I am dying to pin the blame on somebody, only to make a point, but do you remember when you said to me that it would get better? It hasn’t gotten better.

I can’t wait to be back in my dorm.


“You’re a bad person. You have no God in your heart.”


i’m back at school and who even fucking cares. no one. i hate it here. everybody feels so fake to me. so emotionless and inhuman. it’s not even the place, i never cared about that, i just have no one. even the people i thought i could be friends with are so numbing to me that i can’t stand it. i don’t belong here. this is also really ironic and stupid because i thought i was the one doing the best at college out of all of my friends but i think i’m just too optimistic for my own good or i like to pretend everything’s fine. i just want to go home but i don’t even know what that means.

i remember what it felt like to go back to high school after having a break or something and it was always a happy occasion at least for 15 minutes. why can’t this be a happy occasion?

i think i’m just a really hostile person. i mean, that has to be it. i don’t know what else it could be.


ROAST: The reason you feel like you never get anywhere is because you spend all of your free time crying and feeling sorry for yourself.

~The Love of Your Immortal Life


TO ME: I’m not gonna lie and say you don’t intimidate me. You intimidate me, but everything I wrote about how I’m scared I can’t take care of you, how I’m scared to be so responsible for you now….it’s laughable. LOOK AT ME. YOU’RE ALIVE. Do you know anything of anything I’ve crossed to get you to this point? Every day that you’re alive, I hope you’re laughing God in the face. I hope you die laughing, too.


this could be heaven but i make it hell


Hi _ _ _ _ _,

It’s been like a year since we used to see each other all the time and I can’t let go of that because it had such a profound impact on me, I don’t think I’ll ever forget it, it meant so much to me, it was everything I needed,

CAN I EVER TELL WHAT ERA I AM LIVING IN UNTIL IT’S OVER?


I have this fantasy that we’ll finish each other by the end of this winter, but is that rushing it…..I know this isn’t something I should rush. I don’t want to rush it, but when I thought that to myself, it didn’t feel rushed at all, it felt slow, even though we’ve barely unraveled each other…..


Must be tiring to listen to me just talking to myself. Don’t know why you do it, but thanks. I like the attention. Might be the only thing I like. Wish I could return the favor.


I’m trying to think of what I want now. Hmmm. It’s hard. Whatever Eireann and I were talking about. That’s what I want. It’s what I’m looking forward to. I can’t wait till we have our adventures. I’ll get a car. I really want that right now. I want to drive things. I like that. That’s what I like, isn’t it? Whatever makes me feel like I’m in control.


You’ve really gotta go out of your way here, but that’s alright, I do.


My mom was in an accident and I feel so horrible for not calling her today I feel so fucking terrible I can’t live with myself right now and I’m gonna kill this man named Russell and his stupid dogs I’m so mad I’m so mad at myself


Everybody thinks I’m not okay, but I know I am, and it feels like I have some kind of a secret.


There’s no stability right now on any level, but I love it. It’s so beautiful.


It’s not my fault if I feel this way now.


I know I predicted that nothing could last for me. Nothing can last for me.


I love calling people when I’m still in bed.


December has always felt to me like the month of rebirth, kind of….

~Kasia

 

I KNOW I DIDN’T GET ALPHABET SOUP EITHER

dear eireann,

a is for all the time.

b is for brain because it’s my name.

c is for cold one.

d is for domestic a c t i o n .

e is for eireann and i needed no time at all because i already knew.

f is for far away.

g is for glue.

h is for heaven because it has to be cold, because it’s the opposite of hell, but isn’t paradise supposed to be hot?

i is for ice because it’s cold.

j is for juno because that makes me laugh.

k is for karma.

l is for lycanthropy. i have to tell you something.

m is for moon goddess.

n is for nicotine.

o is oreos because i have a lot and it’s making me uncomfortable.

p is for partition because that makes me laugh.

q is for qdoba because it’s right around the corner. not really.

r is for red like what you make me see.

s is for shooting stars because they give me bad luck.

t is for tremulous and tender.

u is for unknown.

v is for VOLUME.

w is for waluigi.

x is for x-ray, singular.

y is for you because you make me see stars.

z is for zelda.

love,

Kasia

NOCTURNAL MANIA

dear eireann,

why does talking to me have to be such a philosophical debate for you? i’m not trying to stop you by saying that but i’m just so curious.

i’m sorry you’re lonely. i’ve been lonely, too, as in, there’s not a point ever anymore when i really want to be alone, because i serially isolated myself for about two weeks and now that i’m out of it, i’m going insane and i have too much energy to possibly sit in a single person and i’m sure if i was talking to five people all at once right now i would tire every one of them out in like five minutes.

do you feel bad writing me because i don’t write back? sorry. i do write back, though. i just haven’t been writing here that much lately. it even feels better not to, sometimes. i think the times i serially write here are the times i feel really bad. (edit: that’s a lie because i’m writing serially right now and i don’t feel bad.)

it’d be fun if we did hand-write each other letters, though. that’d be so timeless and romantic and then when we’re both famous, we can capitalize off a whole book of our letters to each other, because everyone will be dying to know what we said. think about it again, would you?

yes, it drives me crazy. i almost think that’s unethical, just making things gone.

you’re wrong there, though. paper will become ashes, but do you know what really happens when you delete something from the internet monster? it’s still in there somewhere. i’m not a hacker, so you’re safe from me, but the equivalent of burning something here is not equivalent to burning paper at all and it’s much more impossible to destroy.

tell me what your terms are.

i don’t think i even picked you for my pen pal, i just wrote you a letter one day and i didn’t even consider the possibility of you writing back, so don’t blame yourself please.

it did snow in boston. i went into the prudential center and there was this man who just would not believe that we got all covered in snow from walking. he just kept saying “you got all that from walking?” “are you sure you didn’t fall?” until we left or he probably would’ve just went on with that.

that’s actually not too far off from what i did. i did walk around in the snow with people i like. and we did go out to dinner. and we did have a kind of snowball fight later that night. or morning. and it was a lovely time. and i wish we could do that together. so i’m waiting impatiently. and yes i’ll get a milkshake in the cold with you.

i’m not even sure what henna-ing your hair means. do you mean like henna hair dye? do they have black henna hair dye? i don’t know where to look for that. maybe i’ll just infuse myself with deadly chemicals to feed my impatience.

why do you have to say “might,” why can’t you use concrete words? don’t go breaking my heart.

i think i’m bipolar.

later gator.

~Kasia

 

Hobbies at college

  • Smoking under the NO SMOKING sign.
  • Texting people ‘Are we having breakfast, lunch, and dinner today?’
  • Asking professors with Ph.D.’s what  kind of doctor they are.
  • Madly type out a paper on the floor while there are cockroaches crawling all over the keyboard.
  • Have a dream that you missed all your classes which causes you to miss all your classes.
  • Sleep for 25 hours a day.
  • Lose your sense of taste by drinking boiling water every day because you’re in rush to get to class.
  • Take your drunk friend who won’t shut up for a walk in the winter wonderland so that she shuts up, but to no avail.
  • Get kicked out of places for things you didn’t do.
  • Find out you’re immune to hair bleach.
  • Convince your high school friends to do drugs with you instead of making friends at college.
  • Do a walk of shame at 8 in the morning with two complete strangers.
  • Do a train ride of shame at 7 in the morning with no one.
  • Smuggle alcohol by security by pretending it’s your cleavage.
  • Wonder what “8/7 central” even means.
  • Watch The Suite Life on Deck.
  • Suggest to your roommate from Portland who likes snow that she gets a large cheese grater and grates cheese in the front yard as a substitute like in that one episode of Drake and Josh.
  • Come back to campus from two hours away for two hours specifically to win a bet with your roommate, never get the goods but know it’s about the glory.
  • Starve yourself.
  • Go into the fitness center only to use the bathroom.
  • Do anything at any time because it doesn’t matter anymore.
  • See a person on the street who looks just like a person you passed earlier on the street and tell them “Hey, I just saw you. Go after her. She can’t have gotten that far.”
  • Slit your own throat in excitement because you saw a person you know on the street.
  • Receive concerned text messages from your friends after they read your blog.
  • Witness longtime friends who don’t even know what the other person is studying.
  •  Have multiple friends tell you they’re moving further away from you all within the same day.
  • Peer pressure people into caring about themselves.
  • “I’m going to magic class.”
  • See your parents on the day you’re recovering from your trip all the way to California.
  • Ask people to please be considerate of your sleep schedule and go to bed at 1 PM.
  • Go the MFA by yourself and cry.
  • Get your hair cut by an incompetent Asian man and cry.
  • Participate in class based solely on background knowledge and read nothing.
  • Only feel good when you’re wearing lipstick.
  • In reality, also feel bad when you are.
  • “You need to think like Homo Economist”
  • “YOU ARE ON A HUNT FOR POINTS”
  • “Gobble up a lot of territory”
  • Befriend roughly 1.22*10^-4 % of the student population.
  • Shiver a lot.
  • Quite a lot.
  • take your blanket everywhere because you shiver a lot.
  • treat each other like numbers.
  • Complain about what should be improvements on your life.
  • Complain instead of marvel.
  • I know it’s not earth-shattering but
  • Come on, gang.
  • office hours 10:30-1 tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday.
  • bye.
  • just kidding.
  • think about how you’re simultaneously a victim and a beneficiary of the bureaucracy every time you pass through security.
  • sometimes your roommate just smirks at you instead of saying hi to you when you pass each other in the hall.
  • aye aye aye.
  • isn’t it ironic how your depressive phases coincide with each other?
  • wow.
  • the power of suggestion.
  • have whatever your friends are having at the dining hall because of the power of suggestion.
  • commodity fetishism.
  • “toxic” like “intoxicating.” not “toxic” like “harmful,” even though being intoxicated is harmful and … excuse me?
  • befriend people who stop talking to you after you tell them you have a boyfriend.
  • fuck you.
  • we’re doing great.
  • tell the security guards to go home.
  • they’re literally asleep.
  • go home.
  • give your roommate insomnia because it’s like a virus when you sleep two feet away from each other.
  • learn a lot about yourself. for example, when i am drunk, there are two possible sides of the spectrum: 1) dizzy don’t know what’s going on people need to make me drink water can’t walk 2) very much okay talk a lot about science very convinced she can speak spanish like she’s spanish jesus or something.
  • make friends only with bats.
  • i mean nocturnal people.
  • it’s for the best.
  • bittersweet,
  • undefeated creature.
  • against you there is no defense.
  • listen to songs from your past and cry inside.
  • only inside.
  • it’s not even a cry for help when i make bad decisions it’s just my personality.
  • realize you’re in your list phase again.
  • how i used to deal with my ocd.
  • now i just.
  • criticize myself.
  • catch an inability to regulate your homeostasis from your roommate because that’s contagious too.
  • not know what to major in mostly because you know you could be good at anything if you wanted to.
  • i want it.
  • everything.
  • bye.
  • i don’t have an angel or a devil on my shoulder.
  • it’s just me.
  • so much more dangerous.
  • i’m gonna dye my hair black.
  • still only motivated by spite.
  • i love you.
  • yes.
  • you.

~Kasia

Things that bother me

  • Me.
  • The way my rhetoric class is set up to make me fail.
  • How I can’t understand a word of Paradise Lost.
  • When I sleep on my hair wrong and it fucks up my texture.
  • How I have to think really hard about which way I’m turning when I’m going in reverse.
  • How I’ve never been friends with anyone who reminds me of me even in the slightest.
  • How I can’t get myself together enough to go to office hours.
  • Mia’s insomnia.
  • My hair.
  • How I can’t wrap my head around Neoplatonism.
  • Feeling like I’m stupid.
  • Feeling like I’m not getting to the heart of things.
  • When my friends and I go to the playground and there aren’t enough swings for all of us to  swing at once.
  • When the lifeguard says you can’t go swimming in the lake because there are bacteria, as if there aren’t bacteria everywhere else in the world, too.
  • When I go into my house for five minutes because I was dropping by to say hi and I have to come out crying and regretting it.
  • Being lonely and simultaneously not being able to do anything about my loneliness, because I know the wrong kinds of interactions will just make me feel more lonely.
  • Not being able to begin.
  • Not being able to get out what’s inside.
  • Having more than I need but not having what I want.
  • The realization that I’ve stopped being so self-destructive and not knowing how to feel about that.
  • Not being able to make up characters.
  • Being a bad translator when I really don’t want to be a bad translator.
  • When I get myself into stupid situations that I could have avoided.
  • How I never have the energy to say words.
  • How picky I am about other people.
  • Being back in square one when I could have perfectly avoided being back in square one.
  • Feeling so nostalgic that I can’t keep it inside me.
  • Realizing that it’s too late for me to fix some things.
  • Not being able to remember who I am when I trip down the stairs and how much that freaks me out and how I can’t just not care.
  • Controlling my drinking.
  • Controlling myself.
  • How I’ve been controlling myself.
  • I don’t understand how I have been able to control myself.
  • Falling asleep.
  • Feeling like time is running out.
  • Feeling like it’s all slipping away from me.
  • Feeling like I’m too old.
  • Feeling like I’m waiting.
  • Feeling like I’m missing out.
  • How I can’t take full advantage.
  • How karma actually exists and has stabbed me in the back.
  • Nothing in particular.
  • When Mia says she might move out.

~Kasia