NOCTURNAL MANIA

dear eireann,

why does talking to me have to be such a philosophical debate for you? i’m not trying to stop you by saying that but i’m just so curious.

i’m sorry you’re lonely. i’ve been lonely, too, as in, there’s not a point ever anymore when i really want to be alone, because i serially isolated myself for about two weeks and now that i’m out of it, i’m going insane and i have too much energy to possibly sit in a single person and i’m sure if i was talking to five people all at once right now i would tire every one of them out in like five minutes.

do you feel bad writing me because i don’t write back? sorry. i do write back, though. i just haven’t been writing here that much lately. it even feels better not to, sometimes. i think the times i serially write here are the times i feel really bad. (edit: that’s a lie because i’m writing serially right now and i don’t feel bad.)

it’d be fun if we did hand-write each other letters, though. that’d be so timeless and romantic and then when we’re both famous, we can capitalize off a whole book of our letters to each other, because everyone will be dying to know what we said. think about it again, would you?

yes, it drives me crazy. i almost think that’s unethical, just making things gone.

you’re wrong there, though. paper will become ashes, but do you know what really happens when you delete something from the internet monster? it’s still in there somewhere. i’m not a hacker, so you’re safe from me, but the equivalent of burning something here is not equivalent to burning paper at all and it’s much more impossible to destroy.

tell me what your terms are.

i don’t think i even picked you for my pen pal, i just wrote you a letter one day and i didn’t even consider the possibility of you writing back, so don’t blame yourself please.

it did snow in boston. i went into the prudential center and there was this man who just would not believe that we got all covered in snow from walking. he just kept saying “you got all that from walking?” “are you sure you didn’t fall?” until we left or he probably would’ve just went on with that.

that’s actually not too far off from what i did. i did walk around in the snow with people i like. and we did go out to dinner. and we did have a kind of snowball fight later that night. or morning. and it was a lovely time. and i wish we could do that together. so i’m waiting impatiently. and yes i’ll get a milkshake in the cold with you.

i’m not even sure what henna-ing your hair means. do you mean like henna hair dye? do they have black henna hair dye? i don’t know where to look for that. maybe i’ll just infuse myself with deadly chemicals to feed my impatience.

why do you have to say “might,” why can’t you use concrete words? don’t go breaking my heart.

i think i’m bipolar.

later gator.

~Kasia

 

Advertisements

Hobbies at college

  • Smoking under the NO SMOKING sign.
  • Texting people ‘Are we having breakfast, lunch, and dinner today?’
  • Asking professors with Ph.D.’s what  kind of doctor they are.
  • Madly type out a paper on the floor while there are cockroaches crawling all over the keyboard.
  • Have a dream that you missed all your classes which causes you to miss all your classes.
  • Sleep for 25 hours a day.
  • Lose your sense of taste by drinking boiling water every day because you’re in rush to get to class.
  • Take your drunk friend who won’t shut up for a walk in the winter wonderland so that she shuts up, but to no avail.
  • Get kicked out of places for things you didn’t do.
  • Find out you’re immune to hair bleach.
  • Convince your high school friends to do drugs with you instead of making friends at college.
  • Do a walk of shame at 8 in the morning with two complete strangers.
  • Do a train ride of shame at 7 in the morning with no one.
  • Smuggle alcohol by security by pretending it’s your cleavage.
  • Wonder what “8/7 central” even means.
  • Watch The Suite Life on Deck.
  • Suggest to your roommate from Portland who likes snow that she gets a large cheese grater and grates cheese in the front yard as a substitute like in that one episode of Drake and Josh.
  • Come back to campus from two hours away for two hours specifically to win a bet with your roommate, never get the goods but know it’s about the glory.
  • Starve yourself.
  • Go into the fitness center only to use the bathroom.
  • Do anything at any time because it doesn’t matter anymore.
  • See a person on the street who looks just like a person you passed earlier on the street and tell them “Hey, I just saw you. Go after her. She can’t have gotten that far.”
  • Slit your own throat in excitement because you saw a person you know on the street.
  • Receive concerned text messages from your friends after they read your blog.
  • Witness longtime friends who don’t even know what the other person is studying.
  •  Have multiple friends tell you they’re moving further away from you all within the same day.
  • Peer pressure people into caring about themselves.
  • “I’m going to magic class.”
  • See your parents on the day you’re recovering from an acid trip.
  • Ask people to please be considerate of your sleep schedule and go to bed at 1 PM.
  • Go the MFA by yourself and cry.
  • Get your hair cut by an incompetent Asian man and cry.
  • Participate in class based solely on background knowledge and read nothing.
  • Only feel good when you’re wearing lipstick.
  • In reality, also feel bad when you are.
  • “You need to think like Homo Economist”
  • “YOU ARE ON A HUNT FOR POINTS”
  • “Gobble up a lot of territory”
  • Befriend roughly 1.22*10^-4 % of the student population.
  • Shiver a lot.
  • Quite a lot.
  • take your blanket everywhere because you shiver a lot.
  • treat each other like numbers.
  • Complain about what should be improvements on your life.
  • Complain instead of marvel.
  • I know it’s not earth-shattering but
  • Come on, gang.
  • office hours 10:30-1 tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday.
  • bye.
  • just kidding.
  • think about how you’re simultaneously a victim and a beneficiary of the bureaucracy every time you pass through security.
  • sometimes your roommate just smirks at you instead of saying hi to you when you pass each other in the hall.
  • aye aye aye.
  • isn’t it ironic how your depressive phases coincide with each other?
  • wow.
  • the power of suggestion.
  • have whatever your friends are having at the dining hall because of the power of suggestion.
  • commodity fetishism.
  • “toxic” like “intoxicating.” not “toxic” like “harmful,” even though being intoxicated is harmful and … excuse me?
  • befriend people who stop talking to you after you tell them you have a boyfriend.
  • fuck you.
  • we’re doing great.
  • tell the security guards to go home.
  • they’re literally asleep.
  • go home.
  • give your roommate insomnia because it’s like a virus when you sleep two feet away from each other.
  • learn a lot about yourself. for example, when i am drunk, there are two possible sides of the spectrum: 1) dizzy don’t know what’s going on people need to make me drink water can’t walk 2) very much okay talk a lot about science very convinced she can speak spanish like she’s spanish jesus or something.
  • make friends only with bats.
  • i mean nocturnal people.
  • it’s for the best.
  • bittersweet,
  • undefeated creature.
  • against you there is no defense.
  • listen to songs from your past and cry inside.
  • only inside.
  • it’s not even a cry for help when i make bad decisions it’s just my personality.
  • realize you’re in your list phase again.
  • how i used to deal with my ocd.
  • now i just.
  • criticize myself.
  • catch an inability to regulate your homeostasis from your roommate because that’s contagious too.
  • not know what to major in mostly because you know you could be good at anything if you wanted to.
  • i want it.
  • everything.
  • bye.
  • i don’t have an angel or a devil on my shoulder.
  • it’s just me.
  • so much more dangerous.
  • i’m gonna dye my hair black.
  • still only motivated by spite.
  • i love you.
  • yes.
  • you.

~Kasia

Things that bother me

  • Me.
  • The way my rhetoric class is set up to make me fail.
  • How I can’t understand a word of Paradise Lost.
  • When I sleep on my hair wrong and it fucks up my texture.
  • How I have to think really hard about which way I’m turning when I’m going in reverse.
  • How I’ve never been friends with anyone who reminds me of me even in the slightest.
  • How I can’t get myself together enough to go to office hours.
  • Mia’s insomnia.
  • My hair.
  • How I can’t wrap my head around Neoplatonism.
  • Feeling like I’m stupid.
  • Feeling like I’m not getting to the heart of things.
  • When my friends and I go to the playground and there aren’t enough swings for all of us to  swing at once.
  • When the lifeguard says you can’t go swimming in the lake because there are bacteria, as if there aren’t bacteria everywhere else in the world, too.
  • When I go into my house for five minutes because I was dropping by to say hi and I have to come out crying and regretting it.
  • Being lonely and simultaneously not being able to do anything about my loneliness, because I know the wrong kinds of interactions will just make me feel more lonely.
  • Not being able to begin.
  • Not being able to get out what’s inside.
  • Having more than I need but not having what I want.
  • The realization that I’ve stopped being so self-destructive and not knowing how to feel about that.
  • Not being able to make up characters.
  • Being a bad translator when I really don’t want to be a bad translator.
  • When I get myself into stupid situations that I could have avoided.
  • How I never have the energy to say words.
  • How picky I am about other people.
  • Being back in square one when I could have perfectly avoided being back in square one.
  • Feeling so nostalgic that I can’t keep it inside me.
  • Realizing that it’s too late for me to fix some things.
  • Not being able to remember who I am when I’m on lsd and how much that freaks me out and how I can’t just not care.
  • Controlling my drinking.
  • Controlling myself.
  • How I’ve been controlling myself.
  • I don’t understand how I have been able to control myself.
  • Falling asleep.
  • Feeling like time is running out.
  • Feeling like it’s all slipping away from me.
  • Feeling like I’m too old.
  • Feeling like I’m waiting.
  • Feeling like I’m missing out.
  • How I can’t take full advantage.
  • How karma actually exists and has stabbed me in the back.
  • Nothing in particular.
  • When Mia says she might move out.

~Kasia

FUCK DATES.

dear eireann,

i have a lot to say in general but not much time.

every season is my season.

my legs do get in the way, but what can i do, cut them off? then my lack of legs would get in the way. something’s always in the way.

send it. you probably think i’m reckless about it but i’m actually not and it surprises me a lot, have i stopped being self-destructive? weird.

i didn’t do anything to my hair. i don’t know what to do.

i guess i don’t know where i am. how do i fix that? i always think i’m either ahead of myself or behind myself and it’s never right.

don’t be afraid.

i like you a lot.

bye.

~Kasia

The Enabler

Dear You-know-who,

it just occurred to me that maybe GOD sent you away from me so that i wouldn’t screw this up. it never occurred to me that YOU would let me but i’m thinking that’s quite quite possible. the reason we never see each other is because you would be the catalyst. this notion unsettles me so much that i am now intent on fighting it, so i’ll see you very very soon. maybe my insistence on this never ever happening will be the new catalyst. i don’t know. but i want to make sure i’m not just being strapped in. i want to make sure that i’m completely pure and it’s not just circumstance.

~Kasia

TALK ABOUT IT REGARDLESS THEN

dearest ernie,

i saw that you wrote a letter to someone named katie and i got insanely jealous because i thought you found someone new to write letters to since we had a falling out or whatever you call it and all and then i realized that the reason you can’t type is because you still don’t have glasses.

i find you refreshing too. i wish i could talk to every person the way i can talk to you, but it’s okay that i can’t. you are more than i could ask for.

“No I don’t think that I’d call it that but we’re in something and while normal people in normal relationships would find it really helpful to be using words I jus don’t think it’s going to happen for us.” i don’t think we’re in a fight, but you’re right, we’re in something.

i’m glad you did some things with other people. have i met this girl you don’t think i’d like? you’re probably right. those people must be in the majority. she’s lost….you know, i feel lost. “And whenever we’re done I feel dirty and less and like I’ve lost something.” “I’d like to stop spending time with her but it’s one of those things you don’t realize is happening until it happens.” you don’t know how much i know how that feels.

i think you should do an inventory of yourself. i would, but i’m too scared of whatever conclusions we might draw.

you’re doing way better with typing than you did in your last post, even if you couldn’t spell my name. i know what it feels like not to be used to seeing your face. you should get some new glasses, though. you’ll feel better. it feels way better when you can see.

let me tell you about what’s been going on with me. friday night, i went on an acid trip that opened my subconscious to me like a hole. last night, i told someone something i’ve never told anyone before in my life. something big. something not pleasant. i think me saying it has made it real and i don’t know how i feel about that. i didn’t get out of bed until after 3. missed 3 classes but i didn’t care and i still don’t. mia came back while i was staring at myself in the mirror in my pajamas and my bandana still around my head but i told her nothing, and when she asked me if she can do anything to help, i said no. her mom’s here again, so i’ll be alone tonight. i feel like i have this hole blown open in me and i don’t know how to feel. i’m in class right now, but i think i’m gonna go back to my room soon. ironically enough, i’ve been participating even though i’m not in touch with reality right now in the least. i’ve been incommunicado with everyone which could be good and it could be bad, but i think i need to be alone right now. plus i get the feeling that if i told this to anyone else, they wouldn’t understand the magnitude of this thing for me, and that makes me feel worse too. i told colin, but i feel like if i told anybody else, they wouldn’t believe me or they’d laugh or they’d tell me it’s not so bad.

i’ve been thinking about how a few months ago, you said we should go camping in november and how it’s really cold.

i have a black comforter. come over. i’d like us to be alone soon.

~Kasia

 

This girl….

Dear Girl who called me “this girl,”

I never said I wouldn’t do your interview and let me clarify something. Just because I’m mad at you doesn’t mean I don’t care about you and it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t still do anything for you and it doesn’t mean I feel about you any differently. Nothing could ever change that. Also, if you still want to do this, I promise I will answer anything you want in as much detail as you want, because I really don’t care who knows what about me anymore, as long as they don’t talk to me about it, but I think I can even make my peace with that.

I’m not sure how long it’s been November either. Everything’s been slipping through my fingers. I can’t let that happen to anything else. But I know I will and I know I WILL.

Love,

Kasia