i’m back to being a wreck the way that i’m a wreck here– spontaneous, running down the escalators at 3 AM and passing my friends who have just gotten back from going out, never sleeping, forgetting studying is something i need to do, eating breakfast in the afternoon, showering at 5 in the morning– it’s so beautiful. i think i’m gonna go for a walk by the charles river. everything so happens so much and so fast that 24 hours ago feels like a dream. i remember how to have fun again. being a college student is pretty because you can fuck around for hours and hours but no one sleeps if who has blown something off.
i had so much to say. where did it go?
i need someone who obsesses over me.
to the degree that i obsess over things.
does that person exist?
i went for a walk. the river was the same color as the sky.
i’ve been walking with my feet fully touching the ground. not floating.
whenever i’m in an elevator with somebody else alone, i imagine them trying to hurt me. and then i imagine myself overpowering them. i kind of want it to happen.
i’m not gonna wait around for you hahaha biggest joke i’ve ever heard.
i don’t feel reassured.
i used to feel reassured, about everything. now, i can’t even ask for that anymore. i feel like if i ask for it, i won’t get it. i let whatever it is eat me. and i feel so alone.
everything has changed.
i’ve….changed. or at least, my heart has changed.
i wish i could just exist 24/7.
being invisible hurts.
hurts my body as the world hurts God.
i have a fun story about kris but we’ll save it for later.
everything has too much sugar in it, it makes me sick.
my clothes are all over the floor.
i like my room so much more now that we’ve moved the beds and put her tapestry up. the light on my side of the room has stopped working but hers hasn’t and it shines through the big flower vase woman. it’s so much more cozy.
you’re my cardinal sin.
my my greatest sin is not looking you in the eyes.