SINCE I LEFT YOU.

HI. NO, I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M LISTENING TO THE AVALANCHES WHILE TRYING TO READ HOMER EITHER. I’M TRYING. I’M TRYING REALLY HARD. I WANT TO SAIL DOWN THE CORRIDORS AND YELL BUT THAT WOULD FEEL LIKE RIPPING MY THROAT OUT FOR ALL OF ETERNITY, AND I AM SO MUCH SINKING IN ALL THIS SYMBOLISM.

Hi. Am I allowed to be free here? Whatever it is keeps eluding me. Getting closer doesn’t help. Erasing all the edges doesn’t help. There’s these rings and these rings and these rings around my brain. I’ve always been still, I can’t take it anymore, I can’t, I’d rather die, I’d rather die, I’d die, I’d die, now, I’d die.

Hi,

It looks like you’re doing well. Good, I’m happy for you. You know, I’ve never really been happy for myself because I don’t feel like I’ve gone anywhere. Maybe I should leave next time. If I stay, I’ll never change.

I’ve been thinking about you because we’re in the same city and because I feel like we used to be something to each other and I find myself wanting to talk to you but I know I can’t.

I don’t blame you, if I was you confronted with someone like me, I think I’d DIE, I COULD JUST DIE.

I miss you. I don’t know what it is, but being here has made me feel like I did when we were still in each other’s worlds, and

I never got any real closure, I just kind of covered it with who I became and it’s a little

Difficult to still be that person for some reason.

And I liked her. And if I can’t be her anymore, then

I can’t do any of the things she did, then

I’m not sure how this is going to work, and

Shut up, everything’s fine.

Remember that thing I told you, about feeling like my head is underwater? That’s what this is really about.

HI. YOU’RE MAKING ME FEEL ALL SENTIMENTAL, BUT IT’S NOT FOR YOU. IT’S FOR ME.

I’m happy you’re doing well. I’m not right now. But it’s okay. When have I ever, really? Really? Really? Really? YOU’RE WHITE AS A SHEET.

~Kasia

 

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that boy needs therapy, purely psychosomatic.

I couldn’t do it. I’m back home. I think I might even stay another night. It’s bizarre, how I never particularly felt like this was even my home until I left it and I came back, how this is the only place I can really be in my own bed without worrying that anyone else can see me, where I am surrounded by so much quiet that I can actually separate myself from myself, the animal mind from the conscious, fear from logic.

I’m running, I guess. I’ve quelled myself a little, kept whatever I was feeling yesterday at bay, but I don’t want to go back.

At least I didn’t, but now I’ve been thinking that I should. And I shouldn’t stop. And I should take back whatever is plaguing me, because it isn’t me. This isn’t what I asked of myself and I’ll be damned if I let it wear my face.

~Kasia

I Know You Want This For Life

pre-history:

I can’t fully process how I feel about coming back tomorrow. I feel like I’m just gonna hit the ground and crash through everything without feeling it. Is that even possible? It has to be. It’s gonna feel like when the airplane lands.

I didn’t even know the severity of my abandonment issues until today but I know now and I know that is the thing that explains everything about me, every single thing. Everything in my life and everything I’ve been afraid of and everything I’ve done has always been about this one thing.

After:

i

In some horrible and off nostalgic way, I’m gonna miss this place, the winding roads at night, the trees I’ve fantasized about hitting, where the only things to do are exchange existential agonies with the dude working the Himalaya at Fun World who dares you to scream as loud as you can while he keeps the ride going because nobody else is in line and walk down dark roads leading nowhere and drive to the mattress store just to ride the elevators and go to IHOP because it might as well be the club just because it’s still open at 9 p.m. and the mattress store just closed.

ii

I need to orchestrate a master plan to freak my roommate the fuck out because this may be my only chance. I was gonna spare her before, but she’s way too happy-go-lucky. I already have the plan where I change all our light bulbs to disco lights, but that’s not enough. I want to adopt this whole persona. Maybe I’ll wear a Halloween costume every day or put pictures of Jim Jones on the wall.

iii

I//j/u/s/t//w/a/n/t//y/o/u//f/o/r//t/h/e//night.

iv

I’m trying to immunize myself to this fucking song.

v

I know none of this will last forever. I’m gonna un-become and become myself again. Everything I have now will die.

vi

It has to. I want to die with it.

vii

(Just in case anyone cares, I burned those plastic flowers to the ground) (Two of your bracelets, too) (I missed you once but I’m over the whole world) (I’m getting pretty good at this)

~Kasia

Our Hierarchy of Characters

Everyone’s been given a pretty transparent code name.

Exhibit A: Xia:

i

Every action and reaction comes from feelings of abandonment forged in childhood. No, it’s not the kind of abandonment that’s obvious. You were taught to withhold, but withholding only makes you more needy.

ii

You clung to any affection shown you, because you were so fucking deprived of everything on the planet, and when you found a chance at even deeper affection, even more attention, you jumped ship. You didn’t proceed with caution. You just wanted to feel loved, you didn’t think about the consequences or take apart whether the way things happened was even natural or if these words even met up halfway with actions. It was all you needed. You’re the type to put all your eggs in one basket. Well, I don’t blame you for letting yourself be treated badly in the face of wanting affection that you’ve never felt for your whole life. And it doesn’t surprise me, that you would be so naïve, you wouldn’t give anything a second thought, you wouldn’t really think about who you were getting into bed with so long as they claimed to love you. So what if they were a little aggressive, pushy, didn’t really consider or care about your feelings, so what if you never told them they made you cry so hard some nights, the kind of crying only falling into sleep can subside, so what? So what if there was this inherent distance, if they still called you “my love” and invited you to parties after their best friend suggested it? Does it matter? You just wanted to feel loved, by anyone. You’d let them drag you to hell as long as they held your hand too. And later, you were so deprived for so long that you strung everyone along, and it felt so good, all of the attention, don’t put all your eggs in one basket, girl, even though that’s the only way you get what you want, and you ended up finding out that it wasn’t at all your philosophy that was wrong, you’re just too much of an idealist.

iii

You’re so forgiving, you’re too empathetic, you turn your anger back into guilt, Satan could fool you into pity. If God is love, then you’re God.

iv

Sometimes, you can be vengeful. Most of the time, you feel too guilty to move. It eats you up inside even though you have no reason to feel that way. It’s not your fault. You didn’t do this to yourself, but it’s always with you. This feeling of guilt is your prison.

v

All of the outside controls over you from a young age cause you to turn inward for relief. Can’t make sense of anything because it all contradicts each other. Illusion of helplessness. Core insecurity. Will never outgrow it. Probably a borderline. Intense and overwhelming feelings of grief, unbridled rage, guilt, love, fear, regret, longing, the whole ordeal, really. Can’t make sense. Trying to find yourself reflected anywhere else, trying to get answers. Trying to see yourself in similar situations that don’t belong to you, that will never belong to you. Why won’t you turn inward for this. You’re obsessed with building your own fantasy.

((Exhibit when outside controls turn you inward, then slowly outward))

 

Exhibit B: Izabel: You’ve been alone for so long, but you’re different now. You’ve found your own ways out, and you’ve detached. You’ve gotten cold. You silently comply, and silently rebel. You don’t cry so easily anymore. You are not your living situation. You deny yourself. You are Judas denying Jesus, and Jesus kisses you on the mouth, but you tell Jesus, “I’m not yours,” “You can’t have me,” “This is my home but I am not my living situation, Jesus,” “I am not your disciple, I will not pass on your doctrine.” I don’t believe in it. I am building my own life and I am nothing like you. The girl who wrote in her diary about you-know-what-don’t-dare-say-it and how much it scared her, who panicked when her best friend read it, who cried when you pretended you weren’t her friend anymore? That’s not me. We are out of touch. The things that have happened to me don’t define me. I can’t empathize with you anymore. 

((Exhibit when outside controls turn you outward))

 

Exhibit C: Natalie: Sensitive but shallow. Turning outward for relief from insecurity. I’m just a step away. Needy, just wants nice things and attention and to feel like people care about her, but they won’t, because she’s so pouty and so needy. I think you’re the girl I’m looking for. Not me, because there’s so much in my head, not Izabel, because she is not a tragic figure. Natalie is the part of me that makes sense. You have a terrible childhood, you feel so alone, so scared, so unloved, you spend the rest of your life trying to make up for that lack of love, you become so dependent on your one-night stands that don’t bring you any of that, you try to make people care about you, but you’re selfish, greedy, the only person who cares about you is the girl you haven’t spoken to in ten years, give or take, because she knows what it’s like to be you, but she’s too scared to make herself admit she’s as needy as you, as lonely, so she isolates herself mostly, she doesn’t give herself the chance to be rejected like you do, because you’re smart, Natalie, you know that people won’t turn you down, you know they won’t say no when you show up at their door, you’re needy girl, you’re girl who needs to be loved but doesn’t know how to love herself because she’s never felt it, you know just how to use people, you know people are good at heart even if they judge you, you know if nothing else, you’ll have their pity, you know you’ll get what you need but no matter what you get, you don’t stop needing it.

I want so badly to love you. I want to give you all the attention you deserve even if other people don’t think you deserve it, you do, I’ll let you manipulate me because I understand, in my heart I really understand. Natalie, I think you might be either the type of person to cling to someone, anyone who shows you the slightest bit of affection, but if the tide turned the other way, you might be the person who can’t commit, the person who doesn’t believe anyone could ever love her so she doesn’t give herself the chance, the person who throws people away before they can make you feel the same way. I think you might be the type of person who rejects people the way you reject yourself and the way you’ve been rejected. I think you get too scared to see things as romantic, everything is lack luster, or maybe you do see them as romantic, all the time, and then you’re hurt.

So Natalie, I think I’ve been becoming you. Needy, promiscuous, manipulative, attention-seeking, making herself the martyr, making herself the victim, easily hurt, sensitive, you don’t protect yourself by playing dead, you protect yourself by making yourself the victim, you turn a kick in the teeth into a game of murder, when you’re being choked, you hold your breath, it wasn’t long enough or tight enough, but you are on the floor, and you are sobbing, and you are pretending you can’t breathe, and you are pretending you are more hurt than you are so they’ll leave you alone. 

Natalie, I think you and q would be good for each other. You’re both so needy that you take advantage of people, except in different ways. You pretend to be so sweet. 

((Exhibit when outside controls turn you outward))

 

Exhibit D: Caeli: I feel like you must know your worth, because you made the move, but you’re insecure in ways I’m not. Are we reversed? Is your outside my inside and your inside my outside? 

Exhibit E: King Tarquin: Affection deprived but entitled. Oh, I can’t address you directly. You guilt other people into caring for you, but the truth is, no amount of guilting, can make anyone care for you. And I don’t care for you. I don’t care for you, because you never cared for me. I knew the danger. I could feel it. You were so attractive to someone trying so desperately to destroy herself, to live anything, to make herself feel anything. She took the opportunity. She seized the day. 

Exhibit F: O.G.: If you can’t be loved, you will be feared. You think force is the only way. You take extreme measures to secure your power, but the second someone shows you the slightest bit of affection, you melt to pieces and abandon the whole ordeal. 

Exhibit F: Creepy Crawler: The ways people and situations have succeeded at controlling you has made you controlling to the point of everyone breaking in your wake. You’re subject to fits of extreme rage and hysteria, but on the other side, you’re kind and you’re loving, and it’s this ambiguity that fills me up with insurmountable guilt at the slightest rebellion. That, and everything else. You definitely have some form of interpersonal OCD. You’re manipulative, but you deny it, you deny lying, you love accusing me of betrayal, you’re subject to exploding, you contrast it all with your sweetness, with your need to be immediately forgiven. You don’t understand the word “no.” It doesn’t exist for you and you always press on. That’s how you get hurt. I can’t save you from that. You’re so critical of me, you must not realize I learned everything from you. We’re similar. We feel everything just as intensely. You turn outward. I have nowhere to turn but inward. 

Exhibit G: Animal: I can’t read you, but you must be a sadist for the things you do. You’re impatient and you like to be in control. You are made of so much distance that you might as well be air. You completely lack empathy. All you do is echo your empty dogma. I don’t know where you got it from, but you’re a hypocrite and you don’t live it. You must have felt out of control with all the moving around. You must be a reflection of your father. There must be a lot I don’t know about him. You must be all these things, but when you move through the shadows, I forget everything you’ve done. 

Exhibit F: The Devil: I feel like you abandoned me. There should have been someone looking out when I was too young to be able to do anything and it should have been you. You certainly had the intuition for it. You fucking coward. You’re obsessed with making yourself the victim and taking no responsibility. 

Exhibit G: Hailey: Desperation makes you violent. You’ll kill all my enemies for me, but you’ll probably kill me too, so what’s the use, you’re so loyal it’s staggering, but it turns to possession before it cools. You’re scathingly jealous, more scathing than how sharp your nails are. They could be knives. 

Exhibit H: Kaj: You’re assertive and not passive, but only to your own extent. You probably don’t see all this with the same eyes as I see it. I saw the after-effects when you were younger, our matched reactions, I saw all of it, but they’re gone. Where did they go? I think you just don’t remember it how I remember it. If that’s not true, then maybe you’ve just let it go. I don’t know which is harder to accept. 

Exhibit I: Red: You’re still trying to make up for the way you were neglected by your parents, so you’re over-affectionate with everyone you encounter. Think it makes you a saint or something. You think a lot of yourself on the surface, but deep down, you’re so insecure. I know because you won’t stop flirting with me even though you’re married and parking in dark and empty parking lots with me so you can kiss me on the cheek after twenty minutes while playing the same song over and over, like I didn’t notice, and I can go home later on while that moment burns me out for the next twenty hours and that song makes me want to retch when it comes on at some stupid school assembly the next day (and forever after) and I withdraw into air again for no reason. God, why am I so sensitive? I know you’d never try anything. You have some nerve, though. 

Exhibit J: Gem: I was friends with you because I thought it would be easy, because I knew you wouldn’t try to get too close to me when you can’t even get close to yourself, but it wasn’t easy, it just made me feel perpetually closed and that can’t have been good for me, sometimes the easy choices are the destructive ones. I know I didn’t give you much in return, but I don’t give unless I am reciprocating. You are so insecure you become mute and you disappear. 

Exhibit K: Cliff: You are so cruel with almost everyone but you know where your loyalties lie. For that I can even admire you, even if it baffles me.

Exhibit L: Boo: Everyone is so afraid of you, but everything going around in the neighborhood is a lie. At least the parts about you being evil. I’d stab them with scissors, too. I know your heart is good.

Exhibit 0: The Flat Character: Reserved and withholding and sensitive but NOTHING, You are the personification of resting PTSD face aka freshman year me. I am working on your labyrinth, I cross my heart.

~Kasia

Bright Stupid Confetti. Eternity bores me. never wanted it.

I (6.4.17)

It’s (not really that) late and I feel so isolated. I graduated two nights ago. I’ve been so in sync lately and I can’t stand this, not for extended periods of time. I’ll break like worse than glass. Not sure what that could be. Guess we’ll find out eventually. 

II

He keeps (…) on his stupid whims, like what, as a power move? And it works. I feel so out of control. I do and he reminds me of that all the time, how out of control I really am, but that’s not really what I’m afraid of.

III

I am not afraid of the dark. I am afraid of the light.

IV

All this repression here has stunted me. The imprisonment and the abuse. I am so terrified, so terrified of my own light. I’ve been seeing it more and more, but there is so much that has been repressed; the person I always thought I would be when I was little is coming through, but there are so many inhibitions and so many ways they taunt me back into my cage, where everything is awful and familiar.

V

I feel like I’m being pulled by a thread. Day in, day out. You know just which one to pull and the whole tower falls down.

It’s like the opposite of Jenga. A real clever game. 

VI

Our relationship is both nuclear and constant. Everything is so gray. Everything I feel so intensely at night fades by day.

VII (6.26.17)

The authorities have got me again.

Eireann, I wish I could be as brave as you. Or, I wish that sometimes, and then I realize it’s not cowardice that’s keeping me here, but loyalty. I can’t stop being loyal to people even if they don’t deserve it.

But I’m sure cowardice is a factor. Sometimes when you’ve been told ‘no’ enough times, you’re just forced into a corner and you don’t try to back out of it again. Learned helplessness. The answer is always ‘no.’ You were too young and too small and too weak to fight the hand pushing you back there every time, once, when you still tried, when you first learned, maybe you could fight it now, but you’ll never know, because the older version of you is older, and stronger, and bigger, but you feel the same and this never stops. 

VIII

We haven’t been so alone in so long. I know it’s just the stress talking when you talk, but I am a human being, and not a mirror. 

IX

I am at least happy I’ll get to be with my brother. At least we’ll be together. I remember, in September, how cast off I felt from the whole world and he was the only redeemable person to me.

X

On second thought, I do wish Colin and I could have had a proper goodbye. I feel like it’s one of those things that could be good if I didn’t keep avoiding it. 

XI

Eireann, you told me you feel like a stagnant pond. Do you want to know how I feel? I feel like an ancient race held for centuries in chains. I feel like I’ve been in a concentration camp. I feel like I have all this inside me, wanting, hungering to be free, mentally, but if I were to be released, I would not physically have it in me, I’ve been starving for too long, my family has been disenfranchised for generations, I cannot release what’s inside of me, because my body is too burned and shriveled to run, if I were to be a free woman tomorrow, I would not know where to go, my legs could not carry me, and it’s not because I’m afraid anymore, I am not afraid of having power, I want it, I want it so badly, but if I had it, I would not know how to wield it. If I were a free woman tomorrow, Eireann, the oppressors would still tell me I can’t go to their schools or drink at their bars or play with their kids. 

I’ve stayed in my cage too long. 

Eireann, you are so gray and I admire you and I don’t feel that way about practically anybody.

XII

I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t say no to her, because that was the plot, and I don’t fuck with the plot. So why did I? why am I fucking with it now? That’s a good question. The answer is, this is the plot now, and I don’t fuck with the plot.

XIII

Sometimes I feel invincible. Sometimes, I feel so fragile.

XIV

Sun: I hate that when you suffer, you think you don’t deserve it. When I suffer, it’s everything.

XV

You are constantly in my head. An idea I can’t let go of. It’s weird having almost everything be lit up and have one area in my head just stay dark. But that is true, you were the first chance I saw to light it up, so I went for it, and you did this strange unearthly thing where you RECIPROCATED and now look at where we are.

XVI

You let me put my hand over your mouth and I love it. 

XVII

There are so many ways this story could go. I just can’t think of the discovery that should come from it in a way that makes sense to me. (…) I think it needs to be ambiguous to the end. That doesn’t mean I can’t make it powerful if it’s gray.

XVIII

There is so much I keep hidden from myself. When I do recall those things, I am in no state to make them permanent and bring them to light.

1967 tim rose

~Kasia

Now I Know The Real You

It astounds me how little information I have processed about the beach house. I think it’s because I barely slept over those 52-ish hours and sleep is when information processing happens and also because I was never really alone, or falling asleep alone, or anything like that. I guess this explains why a lot of other things have melted together for me, it feels the same way I always do during tech week, when I can’t remember what happened on what days.

I want to process this. I won’t go into great detail here, I have a different place for that (it really could be anything), so I’ll keep it short and sweet, just like too many things are right now. I guess Colin was right about how if you stay somewhere forever, it stops being exciting, but I wouldn’t have minded an extra day, and also, when he said that, I kind of pictured just living there and going to the beach every day and becoming a psychic and doing my thing, it’s completely what I need right now. I wish I could do that, not go to college yet and just live in some beach town with people I like and do my thing. I really think that’s what I need right now. I need to learn and going to school and trying to immerse myself in a setting I’m kind of used to just doesn’t feel like the right thing for me. I wish I could see what I need before it’s literally in front of me. And the thing is, I haven’t paid my tuition yet, I could totally do that, but I don’t have a car and I don’t have money and none of my friends need what I need, because I don’t plan ahead, because I never know what I need until it’s right in front of me.

And by that point it’s too late, it’s retreating, trying to get me to chase it, but I can’t chase it, I don’t even have a fishing net, only my bare hands.

I can only work when my blood is flowing, I need an electric chair or something to bring me to life whenever I feel like it.

I think my problem is that I don’t have the brain capacity to wrap myself around ambiguity. It’s the only thing that holds me, but I can’t understand it. I can’t flip the switch. If I’m on the defense, then I’m on the defense and there’s no changing that. I can forgive, but my body can’t. That’s why I feel so static here. I can’t truly forgive anyone, because that’s something I just can ‘t wire. My uncle was talking about this last summer, but I’m only making the connection now. It’s not my fault I can’t forgive those things. It’s natural, it’s what happens to you when your trust is betrayed. I can’t change that. I will never be able to truly forgive that, not in my mind but in my body, and we can never have a healthy functioning relationship, because one betrayal is enough to ruin that.

Do it to Julia.

When I told the psychic that my intended career path is a magician, I kind of wasn’t kidding. It’s the only word I could find to sum up what I actually want to do, which is do things that I wish would blow people away but really they’re not that original because it’s not like I’m a fucking witch or wizard.

I think the ambiguity is what will make me go insane and I don’t mean insane like I am now I mean insane like how I will end insane and I know that is how I am going to end I just know

x

Ode to Eireann:

I have so much to say to you, and now I am saying it, because it’s overflowing in my head.

I’m not gonna go out of my way to show you this or anything, just like you didn’t for a LONG TIME. If you still read my blog, I’m sure you’ll chance upon it, if not, then maybe I’ll tell you about it by accident next time we see each other (a real while).

Oh, Eireann, where do I begin. I don’t think I can begin. I can never begin until I begin.

I know you constantly say you feel like a stagnant pond, but to me you are a flowing river, going in every direction, streaming off the map, bleeding to places I didn’t know you had in you. Every time I find out something new about you, Eireann, my heart shatters. In the best way possible. There are so many things I want to talk to you about, and I really hope to God you’ll talk to me about them, because I really need to talk to someone about that and I have for so long. You make my heart stop. You’re someone I can never pinpoint, because you’re always bleeding off the map, and I can’t help but follow the red with my eyes and map that area and wait for the next, I never know when it’s gonna fall. In this weird turnaround way, I feel like I could be a delayed version of you, if I wasn’t myself, I feel like the things you have discovered already are things I am trying to discover right now.

Eireann, I am flattered to be Jay Gatsby on crack to you. I can’t believe how easy you are to talk to. It’s so hard for me to find something like that. You are a thousand moons and a thousand suns. I feel this oneness with you all the time, but at the same time, I can’t crack you. It bothers the hell out of me. The things you keep secret are so unrelated to each other and it frustrates the hell out of me trying to find a connection, but I can’t.

Eireann, I am watching lightning right now, and that is how you make me feel. You flash before my eyes and I wish the flash would just freeze and hold. I want to say that I relate to you more than you know, but I think you know.

Every time we crack open a cold one together, I feel like I’ve found my soulmate in the boys. But I mean it. You give the best advice of anyone I’ve ever talked to. I don’t know where you get this perspective like you’re looking at everything from the heavens. I know I haven’t always taken it right away, but I just want you to know that even though I don’t always listen to you right away, I’m very very aware that you are right all along. I am in utter awe of you, and in other ways, I just find you so comforting, but in a celestial way, like there’s a celestial being looking at the earth from the heavens who can relate to me.

I know this is a weird thing to say, but I don’t think I would feel this way about you if your name was spelled any differently.

I have more to say, I will always have more to say, but we’ve got time.

x

I think I make quite the case for myself.

I was going to reread my diary so I could jump-start my novel, but I don’t think I’m ready to see all of that and I don’t think it will help me at this point, I think I just need to fucking go.

And when I think of reading it, I want to throw up. I have no desire to relive the past right now. I think that I should focus on present revelations. There’s nothing else that I need.

x

Sometimes, they really convince me. Sometimes, I can feel myself going crazy, because everything seems like it’s fine, and maybe what happened didn’t really happen, maybe it wasn’t a big deal, maybe being so young made it all distorted in my head, maybe I am normal and just a little oversensitive. But I know I’m fooling myself. If what happened isn’t important, then I would not be the way I am, and I have been growing out of it ever since I have been capable of growth. It’s stunted me in some ways and propelled me in others, but it is obviously important, it has obviously made and shattered me, it is the only evidence I have of it happening at all.

don't think

sabines

~Kasia

they keep dragging me around

I never summarized what happened at the beach house, I get carried away.

One thing I noticed at the beach house was that I really do have a changed attitude. Everyone else was talking and I felt like I was the least lost one there. It’s even stranger to think about how this completely came from inside me. I really doubt any of this translates to the outside world, but inside, I feel like I can handle things. Except when I don’t, which is the other half the time. Ambiguity is taking me apart.

I’m not sure I fully remember everything that happened. The first day was spent mostly inside. We tried to go to the beach, but it started raining like immediately. I am writing this as fast as I can because I am so scared of forgetting it.

remember

lock box

~Kasia

 

It just wasn’t what I needed anymore

I’m crashing. This has become a familiar feeling for me. I’ll be around my friends nonstop for a few days and then when it’s over, I get so unbearably lonely before I stabilize. It makes me feel so needy, but I think it’s just a byproduct of two things a) the juxtaposition between how I feel around my friends and how I feel around my family, which is fucking jarring b) This chasm I’ve had isn’t something that can be made up.

I’m listening to Mr Brightside because last night, I had to run away from it and towards the ocean and Callum followed me into the ocean and sang Phantom of the Opera with me until it was over. I saw a shadow chasing me and I thought it would be Colin, but I was so happy to see him, probably because I wasn’t expecting it. Anyway, I’m listening to it now, because I want to reclaim it, even though I can never reclaim it, even though I relish a little in how sick that song makes me for no good reason except this one encounter that wasn’t as shady as I make it out to be, was completely consensual–

But whatever, it’s not my fault seemingly inconsequential things make me upset and I won’t let myself feel that way.

The thing I’ve really learned about myself is how much I fucking need to be comfortable. I have more problems with trust than I thought and if someone doesn’t go out of their way to make me feel like I’m safe, then I will be on my guard and I won’t be able to relax and I know why.

Now that I am really letting myself have it, I’m addicted. And it’s ironic, because it’s been getting good just as I’m fucking losing it.

The thing is, I really have no one to talk to at my house and it’s hard for me to get to see my friends unless they whisk me away, and I didn’t really know what I was starved of until I stopped and then started again. I feel like I’ve discovered a different world lately, where I don’t have to be misunderstood, but whenever I am, it feels like I’m being kicked back down.

I’m so fragile when it comes to this and I think the best thing for me right now is to just be away from home until I’m in a place where I’m alright with myself enough not to be dragged under. And here’s another thing: I can learn to understand things without constantly having to relive them. I’ve been so scared I’d forget how it felt, but I know I’m not going to forget. It isn’t so easy to forget what something felt like, even if you forget practically everything else about it like what happened and where you were and what you were wearing (just kidding, not that one).

I guess the conclusion I am trying to come to here is that I’m pretty unstable, which will always be true I’m sure, but this right now is something that’s swinging dangerously, and while that sounds cool, it feels like hell, it really feels like hell.

I just want to drive with my friends to a playground at night and do things like that. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. I think the relationships I’ve been developing lately have taught me more than anything else could teach me right now, I think that’s the kind of learning I need right now, I think that’s what I should spend my time on, because I need that, and I’ve been thinking about this more, too: that IS my field of study. That is what I really want to know about. Dynamics are all I care about and this is the education I need and I think that should be my focus, not school, not “real” school, not anything else. No, I need to talk to people and extract their deepest darkest secrets and understand why they are the way they are and that’s the only thing that really matters to me right now and it’s taken me so long to see it, but I see it. Oh god I see it. It’s been fucking in front of me and I’ve been naive and blind and it doesn’t make any sense to me how I can never fucking see anything until it’s flying 100 miles an hour towards GONE.

I feel so so so much better after writing this out, I’m fine I’m fine. I know I’m comparatively not compared to what ‘fine’ means for other people, but as long as I’m fine for myself, I think I’m doing well. I think that’s why it trips me up so much when people ask me how I’m doing. I can’t even talk about depression, because I can’t think about it. In my head, I’ve beat it by not thinking about it. I just think I have a better perspective on things. In my head. I don’t think it really translates to my actions, I am by all means susceptible, but I think I’m pretty good at separating salt from water by now.

I think I’ve just spent so much of my life deprived of so many things that I require so much to function anything close to a normal human being.

I got a palm reading at the beach and it left me kind of spooked. I can easily see how all of the things the psychic lady said could be easily guessed, but I’d rather believe in mystical things, it’s more fun, and besides, I think if I want things to be mystical, which I desperately do, it’s my job to do it.

I think I’m really learning what I need, so that makes me feel sustained even though everyone thinks I’m unstable (jeez I don’t wonder why). I suppose I’m at the tip of the iceberg or whatever, but it’s the first solid footing I’ve ever felt, of course it feels final to me, of course it feels like everything just because it’s fucking anything.

I want to download all of my documents and bring my laptop to Poland so I can finally get started on this thing. It’s been less and less clear to me what “this thing” is, but that’s just because everything is changing. The worst part is I don’t know if my message should be what I wanted it to be originally or the exact opposite. I feel like I’ll know when I start writing, which sounds stupid and counter-intuitive and, SHOCKER, it is.

As much as I’ve been dreading the six weeks, I need to remember that I’m in a completely different boat now than I was last year. I’m fine, for me, my attitude has changed, I have changed, I just hate coming back to places I’ve felt inconsolably bad, it’s like reclaiming the months all over again, now I have to reclaim this fucking bedroom. But I’ll do it. I’ll watch the curtains turn red in glee. I’ll stay up all night writing jet-lagged things, I’ll fall asleep on the balcony, I know my rights, I know my rights, I know my rights, I know my rights, I won’t choke on the irony of being chased into the corner.

Colin bought me a jellyfish (no not a real one) (yes a real one) (no not a real one), I just said I wanted it and then he bought it for me (people can do that?), I felt so bad about it, but not anymore, I really fucking love jellyfish it’s a great jellyfish, it’s hanging from a nail on my wall, I haven’t seen it in weeks. I can’t explain it, but I have this really deep urge to do more for him than he does for me, I want to top him in every way, I know it’s not supposed to be a competition but I really can’t put that desire under me.

I know this is a long blog post, maybe I should start another one for the grand spectacle of processing information.

~Kasia