i saw that you wrote a letter to someone named katie and i got insanely jealous because i thought you found someone new to write letters to since we had a falling out or whatever you call it and all and then i realized that the reason you can’t type is because you still don’t have glasses.
i find you refreshing too. i wish i could talk to every person the way i can talk to you, but it’s okay that i can’t. you are more than i could ask for.
“No I don’t think that I’d call it that but we’re in something and while normal people in normal relationships would find it really helpful to be using words I jus don’t think it’s going to happen for us.” i don’t think we’re in a fight, but you’re right, we’re in something.
i’m glad you did some things with other people. have i met this girl you don’t think i’d like? you’re probably right. those people must be in the majority. she’s lost….you know, i feel lost. “And whenever we’re done I feel dirty and less and like I’ve lost something.” “I’d like to stop spending time with her but it’s one of those things you don’t realize is happening until it happens.” you don’t know how much i know how that feels.
i think you should do an inventory of yourself. i would, but i’m too scared of whatever conclusions we might draw.
you’re doing way better with typing than you did in your last post, even if you couldn’t spell my name. i know what it feels like not to be used to seeing your face. you should get some new glasses, though. you’ll feel better. it feels way better when you can see.
let me tell you about what’s been going on with me. friday night, i went on an acid trip that opened my subconscious to me like a hole. last night, i told someone something i’ve never told anyone before in my life. something big. something not pleasant. i think me saying it has made it real and i don’t know how i feel about that. i didn’t get out of bed until after 3. missed 3 classes but i didn’t care and i still don’t. mia came back while i was staring at myself in the mirror in my pajamas and my bandana still around my head but i told her nothing, and when she asked me if she can do anything to help, i said no. her mom’s here again, so i’ll be alone tonight. i feel like i have this hole blown open in me and i don’t know how to feel. i’m in class right now, but i think i’m gonna go back to my room soon. ironically enough, i’ve been participating even though i’m not in touch with reality right now in the least. i’ve been incommunicado with everyone which could be good and it could be bad, but i think i need to be alone right now. plus i get the feeling that if i told this to anyone else, they wouldn’t understand the magnitude of this thing for me, and that makes me feel worse too. i told colin, but i feel like if i told anybody else, they wouldn’t believe me or they’d laugh or they’d tell me it’s not so bad.
i’ve been thinking about how a few months ago, you said we should go camping in november and how it’s really cold.
i have a black comforter. come over. i’d like us to be alone soon.