It’s (not really that) late and I feel so isolated. I graduated two nights ago. I’ve been so in sync lately and I can’t stand this, not for extended periods of time. I’ll break like worse than glass. Not sure what that could be. Guess we’ll find out eventually.
He keeps (…) on his stupid whims, like what, as a power move? And it works. I feel so out of control. I do and he reminds me of that all the time, how out of control I really am, but that’s not really what I’m afraid of.
I am not afraid of the dark. I am afraid of the light.
All this repression here has stunted me. The imprisonment and the abuse. I am so terrified, so terrified of my own light. I’ve been seeing it more and more, but there is so much that has been repressed; the person I always thought I would be when I was little is coming through, but there are so many inhibitions and so many ways they taunt me back into my cage, where everything is awful and familiar.
I feel like I’m being pulled by a thread. Day in, day out. You know just which one to pull and the whole tower falls down.
It’s like the opposite of Jenga. A real clever game.
Our relationship is both nuclear and constant. Everything is so gray. Everything I feel so intensely at night fades by day.
The authorities have got me again.
Eireann, I wish I could be as brave as you. Or, I wish that sometimes, and then I realize it’s not cowardice that’s keeping me here, but loyalty. I can’t stop being loyal to people even if they don’t deserve it.
But I’m sure cowardice is a factor. Sometimes when you’ve been told ‘no’ enough times, you’re just forced into a corner and you don’t try to back out of it again. Learned helplessness. The answer is always ‘no.’ You were too young and too small and too weak to fight the hand pushing you back there every time, once, when you still tried, when you first learned, maybe you could fight it now, but you’ll never know, because the older version of you is older, and stronger, and bigger, but you feel the same and this never stops.
We haven’t been so alone in so long. I know it’s just the stress talking when you talk, but I am a human being, and not a mirror.
I am at least happy I’ll get to be with my brother. At least we’ll be together. I remember, in September, how cast off I felt from the whole world and he was the only redeemable person to me.
On second thought, I do wish Colin and I could have had a proper goodbye. I feel like it’s one of those things that could be good if I didn’t keep avoiding it.
Eireann, you told me you feel like a stagnant pond. Do you want to know how I feel? I feel like an ancient race held for centuries in chains. I feel like I’ve been in a concentration camp. I feel like I have all this inside me, wanting, hungering to be free, mentally, but if I were to be released, I would not physically have it in me, I’ve been starving for too long, my family has been disenfranchised for generations, I cannot release what’s inside of me, because my body is too burned and shriveled to run, if I were to be a free woman tomorrow, I would not know where to go, my legs could not carry me, and it’s not because I’m afraid anymore, I am not afraid of having power, I want it, I want it so badly, but if I had it, I would not know how to wield it. If I were a free woman tomorrow, Eireann, the oppressors would still tell me I can’t go to their schools or drink at their bars or play with their kids.
I’ve stayed in my cage too long.
Eireann, you are so gray and I admire you and I don’t feel that way about practically anybody.
I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t say no to her, because that was the plot, and I don’t fuck with the plot. So why did I? why am I fucking with it now? That’s a good question. The answer is, this is the plot now, and I don’t fuck with the plot.
Sometimes I feel invincible. Sometimes, I feel so fragile.
Sun: I hate that when you suffer, you think you don’t deserve it. When I suffer, it’s everything.
You are constantly in my head. An idea I can’t let go of. It’s weird having almost everything be lit up and have one area in my head just stay dark. But that is true, you were the first chance I saw to light it up, so I went for it, and you did this strange unearthly thing where you RECIPROCATED and now look at where we are.
You let me put my hand over your mouth and I love it.
There are so many ways this story could go. I just can’t think of the discovery that should come from it in a way that makes sense to me. (…) I think it needs to be ambiguous to the end. That doesn’t mean I can’t make it powerful if it’s gray.
There is so much I keep hidden from myself. When I do recall those things, I am in no state to make them permanent and bring them to light.
Everything is telling me we should take a break. All the symptoms are there. I promise it’s not personal, it’s just too much for me to handle right now. And I need to focus. I need to work this out in terms I understand.
Don’t blame yourself. You were perfect.
No more coherent thoughts. No more simplifying things.
It astounds me how little information I have processed about the beach house. I think it’s because I barely slept over those 52-ish hours and sleep is when information processing happens and also because I was never really alone, or falling asleep alone, or anything like that. I guess this explains why a lot of other things have melted together for me, it feels the same way I always do during tech week, when I can’t remember what happened on what days.
I want to process this. I won’t go into great detail here, I have a different place for that (it really could be anything), so I’ll keep it short and sweet, just like too many things are right now. I guess Colin was right about how if you stay somewhere forever, it stops being exciting, but I wouldn’t have minded an extra day, and also, when he said that, I kind of pictured just living there and going to the beach every day and becoming a psychic and doing my thing, it’s completely what I need right now. I wish I could do that, not go to college yet and just live in some beach town with people I like and do my thing. I really think that’s what I need right now. I need to learn and going to school and trying to immerse myself in a setting I’m kind of used to just doesn’t feel like the right thing for me. I wish I could see what I need before it’s literally in front of me. And the thing is, I haven’t paid my tuition yet, I could totally do that, but I don’t have a car and I don’t have money and none of my friends need what I need, because I don’t plan ahead, because I never know what I need until it’s right in front of me.
And by that point it’s too late, it’s retreating, trying to get me to chase it, but I can’t chase it, I don’t even have a fishing net, only my bare hands.
I can only work when my blood is flowing, I need an electric chair or something to bring me to life whenever I feel like it.
I think my problem is that I don’t have the brain capacity to wrap myself around ambiguity. It’s the only thing that holds me, but I can’t understand it. I can’t flip the switch. If I’m on the defense, then I’m on the defense and there’s no changing that. I can forgive, but my body can’t. That’s why I feel so static here. I can’t truly forgive anyone, because that’s something I just can ‘t wire. My uncle was talking about this last summer, but I’m only making the connection now. It’s not my fault I can’t forgive those things. It’s natural, it’s what happens to you when your trust is betrayed. I can’t change that. I will never be able to truly forgive that, not in my mind but in my body, and we can never have a healthy functioning relationship, because one betrayal is enough to ruin that.
Do it to Julia.
When I told the psychic that my intended career path is a magician, I kind of wasn’t kidding. It’s the only word I could find to sum up what I actually want to do, which is do things that I wish would blow people away but really they’re not that original because it’s not like I’m a fucking witch or wizard.
I think the ambiguity is what will make me go insane and I don’t mean insane like I am now I mean insane like how I will end insane and I know that is how I am going to end I just know
Ode to Eireann:
I have so much to say to you, and now I am saying it, because it’s overflowing in my head.
I’m not gonna go out of my way to show you this or anything, just like you didn’t for a LONG TIME. If you still read my blog, I’m sure you’ll chance upon it, if not, then maybe I’ll tell you about it by accident next time we see each other (a real while).
Oh, Eireann, where do I begin. I don’t think I can begin. I can never begin until I begin.
I know you constantly say you feel like a stagnant pond, but to me you are a flowing river, going in every direction, streaming off the map, bleeding to places I didn’t know you had in you. Every time I find out something new about you, Eireann, my heart shatters. In the best way possible. There are so many things I want to talk to you about, and I really hope to God you’ll talk to me about them, because I really need to talk to someone about that and I have for so long. You make my heart stop. You’re someone I can never pinpoint, because you’re always bleeding off the map, and I can’t help but follow the red with my eyes and map that area and wait for the next, I never know when it’s gonna fall. In this weird turnaround way, I feel like I could be a delayed version of you, if I wasn’t myself, I feel like the things you have discovered already are things I am trying to discover right now.
Eireann, I am flattered to be Jay Gatsby on crack to you. I can’t believe how easy you are to talk to. It’s so hard for me to find something like that. You are a thousand moons and a thousand suns. I feel this oneness with you all the time, but at the same time, I can’t crack you. It bothers the hell out of me. The things you keep secret are so unrelated to each other and it frustrates the hell out of me trying to find a connection, but I can’t.
Eireann, I am watching lightning right now, and that is how you make me feel. You flash before my eyes and I wish the flash would just freeze and hold. I want to say that I relate to you more than you know, but I think you know.
Every time we crack open a cold one together, I feel like I’ve found my soulmate in the boys. But I mean it. You give the best advice of anyone I’ve ever talked to. I don’t know where you get this perspective like you’re looking at everything from the heavens. I know I haven’t always taken it right away, but I just want you to know that even though I don’t always listen to you right away, I’m very very aware that you are right all along. I am in utter awe of you, and in other ways, I just find you so comforting, but in a celestial way, like there’s a celestial being looking at the earth from the heavens who can relate to me.
I know this is a weird thing to say, but I don’t think I would feel this way about you if your name was spelled any differently.
I have more to say, I will always have more to say, but we’ve got time.
I think I make quite the case for myself.
I was going to reread my diary so I could jump-start my novel, but I don’t think I’m ready to see all of that and I don’t think it will help me at this point, I think I just need to fucking go.
And when I think of reading it, I want to throw up. I have no desire to relive the past right now. I think that I should focus on present revelations. There’s nothing else that I need.
Sometimes, they really convince me. Sometimes, I can feel myself going crazy, because everything seems like it’s fine, and maybe what happened didn’t really happen, maybe it wasn’t a big deal, maybe being so young made it all distorted in my head, maybe I am normal and just a little oversensitive. But I know I’m fooling myself. If what happened isn’t important, then I would not be the way I am, and I have been growing out of it ever since I have been capable of growth. It’s stunted me in some ways and propelled me in others, but it is obviously important, it has obviously made and shattered me, it is the only evidence I have of it happening at all.
I never summarized what happened at the beach house, I get carried away.
One thing I noticed at the beach house was that I really do have a changed attitude. Everyone else was talking and I felt like I was the least lost one there. It’s even stranger to think about how this completely came from inside me. I really doubt any of this translates to the outside world, but inside, I feel like I can handle things. Except when I don’t, which is the other half the time. Ambiguity is taking me apart.
I’m not sure I fully remember everything that happened. The first day was spent mostly inside. We tried to go to the beach, but it started raining like immediately. I am writing this as fast as I can because I am so scared of forgetting it.
I’m crashing. This has become a familiar feeling for me. I’ll be around my friends nonstop for a few days and then when it’s over, I get so unbearably lonely before I stabilize. It makes me feel so needy, but I think it’s just a byproduct of two things a) the juxtaposition between how I feel around my friends and how I feel around my family, which is fucking jarring b) This chasm I’ve had isn’t something that can be made up.
I’m listening to Mr Brightside because last night, I had to run away from it and towards the ocean and Callum followed me into the ocean and sang Phantom of the Opera with me until it was over. I saw a shadow chasing me and I thought it would be Colin, but I was so happy to see him, probably because I wasn’t expecting it. Anyway, I’m listening to it now, because I want to reclaim it, even though I can never reclaim it, even though I relish a little in how sick that song makes me for no good reason except this one encounter that wasn’t as shady as I make it out to be, was completely consensual–
But whatever, it’s not my fault seemingly inconsequential things make me upset and I won’t let myself feel that way.
The thing I’ve really learned about myself is how much I fucking need to be comfortable. I have more problems with trust than I thought and if someone doesn’t go out of their way to make me feel like I’m safe, then I will be on my guard and I won’t be able to relax and I know why.
Now that I am really letting myself have it, I’m addicted. And it’s ironic, because it’s been getting good just as I’m fucking losing it.
The thing is, I really have no one to talk to at my house and it’s hard for me to get to see my friends unless they whisk me away, and I didn’t really know what I was starved of until I stopped and then started again. I feel like I’ve discovered a different world lately, where I don’t have to be misunderstood, but whenever I am, it feels like I’m being kicked back down.
I’m so fragile when it comes to this and I think the best thing for me right now is to just be away from home until I’m in a place where I’m alright with myself enough not to be dragged under. And here’s another thing: I can learn to understand things without constantly having to relive them. I’ve been so scared I’d forget how it felt, but I know I’m not going to forget. It isn’t so easy to forget what something felt like, even if you forget practically everything else about it like what happened and where you were and what you were wearing (just kidding, not that one).
I guess the conclusion I am trying to come to here is that I’m pretty unstable, which will always be true I’m sure, but this right now is something that’s swinging dangerously, and while that sounds cool, it feels like hell, it really feels like hell.
I just want to drive with my friends to a playground at night and do things like that. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. I think the relationships I’ve been developing lately have taught me more than anything else could teach me right now, I think that’s the kind of learning I need right now, I think that’s what I should spend my time on, because I need that, and I’ve been thinking about this more, too: that IS my field of study. That is what I really want to know about. Dynamics are all I care about and this is the education I need and I think that should be my focus, not school, not “real” school, not anything else. No, I need to talk to people and extract their deepest darkest secrets and understand why they are the way they are and that’s the only thing that really matters to me right now and it’s taken me so long to see it, but I see it. Oh god I see it. It’s been fucking in front of me and I’ve been naive and blind and it doesn’t make any sense to me how I can never fucking see anything until it’s flying 100 miles an hour towards GONE.
I feel so so so much better after writing this out, I’m fine I’m fine. I know I’m comparatively not compared to what ‘fine’ means for other people, but as long as I’m fine for myself, I think I’m doing well. I think that’s why it trips me up so much when people ask me how I’m doing. I can’t even talk about depression, because I can’t think about it. In my head, I’ve beat it by not thinking about it. I just think I have a better perspective on things. In my head. I don’t think it really translates to my actions, I am by all means susceptible, but I think I’m pretty good at separating salt from water by now.
I think I’ve just spent so much of my life deprived of so many things that I require so much to function anything close to a normal human being.
I got a palm reading at the beach and it left me kind of spooked. I can easily see how all of the things the psychic lady said could be easily guessed, but I’d rather believe in mystical things, it’s more fun, and besides, I think if I want things to be mystical, which I desperately do, it’s my job to do it.
I think I’m really learning what I need, so that makes me feel sustained even though everyone thinks I’m unstable (jeez I don’t wonder why). I suppose I’m at the tip of the iceberg or whatever, but it’s the first solid footing I’ve ever felt, of course it feels final to me, of course it feels like everything just because it’s fucking anything.
I want to download all of my documents and bring my laptop to Poland so I can finally get started on this thing. It’s been less and less clear to me what “this thing” is, but that’s just because everything is changing. The worst part is I don’t know if my message should be what I wanted it to be originally or the exact opposite. I feel like I’ll know when I start writing, which sounds stupid and counter-intuitive and, SHOCKER, it is.
As much as I’ve been dreading the six weeks, I need to remember that I’m in a completely different boat now than I was last year. I’m fine, for me, my attitude has changed, I have changed, I just hate coming back to places I’ve felt inconsolably bad, it’s like reclaiming the months all over again, now I have to reclaim this fucking bedroom. But I’ll do it. I’ll watch the curtains turn red in glee. I’ll stay up all night writing jet-lagged things, I’ll fall asleep on the balcony, I know my rights, I know my rights, I know my rights, I know my rights, I won’t choke on the irony of being chased into the corner.
Colin bought me a jellyfish (no not a real one) (yes a real one) (no not a real one), I just said I wanted it and then he bought it for me (people can do that?), I felt so bad about it, but not anymore, I really fucking love jellyfish it’s a great jellyfish, it’s hanging from a nail on my wall, I haven’t seen it in weeks. I can’t explain it, but I have this really deep urge to do more for him than he does for me, I want to top him in every way, I know it’s not supposed to be a competition but I really can’t put that desire under me.
I know this is a long blog post, maybe I should start another one for the grand spectacle of processing information.
What we had was innocent. It was nice. It brought me this fleeting joy. But it didn’t run as deep as this. It wasn’t so magnetic, it didn’t make me stand still. You made me happy, in these fleeting moments, but you didn’t change me. You weren’t my revolution. You didn’t cause me to overthrow myself. Sun, you’re magnificent, but even stars can be swallowed up by black holes, I sure have been, mysterious black holes that sweep you away to another dimension. I’m never gonna be the same, Sun. You shone on me every single day, but you never got close enough to set me on fire.
I never wanted to hurt you. I know how it happened, but I also can’t explain what I was thinking in words that you can comprehend. I never wanted to hurt you, Sun, but what’s done is done.
You were my small detail in the painting, you sprouted over it like a weed, the most beautiful weed, how can I explain to you what it feels like to bask in the presence of the person orchestrating your whole color palette?
Maybe in another world, this never had to happen, but I don’t think I want to be in that world. I don’t have to just live with my choices anymore. I can be happy with them. I can mean it.
I am not in your universe anymore.
You will always be the hole in my heart.
Letting go takes too long. I wanted to just be ripped out by the roots.
Why is everything so gradual.
I wish I never read The Grave.
I fucking need to be watered. I feel so deprived.
Who wouldn’t go crazy with this on-off switch?
Abuse, love, forgiveness, power game, everything goes still. I would never ever move. I will stay still. You are so good at making sure.
You know what scares me now? Distance.
Make up your god damn mind.
I think that is the general theme of everything. Ambiguity and indecision and breaking the trance and going back to the trance and not understanding the juxtaposition between goodness and evil, and love and abuse, and breathing and drowning, how am I supposed to make myself understand, I don’t know where to get my education from.
There is so much that has stunted me. These next few years will blow me open.
Can I take the light?
Natalie is next on my black list, Natalie, I’m coming for you.
Am I oversensitive, is this real?
Separation will purify me.
I DIDN’T WANT IT LIKE THIS, I WANTED IT TO BE VIOLENT, I WANTED IT TO LEAVE ME SHELL SHOCKED, I WANTED IT TO BE PERMANENT, I WANTED IT TO BE FOR GOOD, I DON’T THINK I’LL FEEL IT THE RIGHT WAY. I WANTED TO DO THIS THE RIGHT WAY.
Loss of memory: never.
I really wanted to see how far I could go.
I’m ungrateful and it’s because I think everything has this cosmic significance.
I wonder what it would be like to take everything lightly.
Okay, so a few days ago, I went down a water slide in my clothes (on a raft, mind you, there’s some foresight here) and didn’t realize there was going to be a pool at the bottom somehow, and then I realized that was a giant metaphor for my relationship with my future. The lack of foresight I have is just amazing. So yeah, apparently, there’s a pool. and apparently, I am now a high school graduate.
Callum made this his fucking cover photo which kills me in more ways than one.
I graduated from high school. I didn’t think I could do it and it wasn’t easy, but I now know the harder thing will be graduating from my living situation.
I fall down so easily and I think this might lead me to study ancient Greek or something just so I can be as distracted as possible at all hours of the day, except it also takes a lot to distract me from everything in my brain.
I am pretty convinced that I need to become a mystic. I’m gonna try to communicate with the dead. I might accidentally open a portal to hell but I kind of feel like I have nothing to lose.
I need to get better at using people. I thought I was pretty good at it already, but we can do better.
Now that my life has no structure anymore, I’ve realized how much structure actually motivates me, and how much not having time to do anything makes me get more done. I kind of just want to make a list of all the paradoxes present in my life, but
No. No no no. Not at all. Okay. Let’s start over.
I’m trying to play Mandy Goes to Med School on piano, but all the notes sound wrong. Maybe I’m playing in the wrong key. I’m not even totally sure what that means. Maybe I should write a screenplay, maybe I am not cut out for fucking anything.
I need to write more cohesive things here, isn’t all this jumping around making you tired? It’s making me tired.
I think that the tone shift in my novel might be a lot easier if I just reread my diary. I said ‘reread,’ but I don’t think I’ve ever done that from the beginning. It’s got to be there. I don’t want to talk about my novel, but I can’t really describe it to other people right now except as “psychological satire,” also I’m not really sure what I’m including, what I’m extracting, what I’m withholding, what I’m going with here, but it better STICK hard.
I’m graduating today.
I’m graduating today and I don’t have time to talk about this, but oh my god, there’s a pool?! There’s a pool? There’s a pool?!?!