i had a dream i was your hero

dear kris,

you’ve probably learned some things about me by now

like

i never sleep.

and

i can’t wake up.

i listen to the same song over and over again obsessively.

my self-esteem is lacking,

i’m easily distracted,

i blame myself for everything,

i (try to) make an inside joke out of everything,

i run too much for my own good,

except it is for my own good,


i realized something.

i always get the urge to tell you things that i would tell my brother if he was here.

but he’s not.


weirdly. enough. the way i talk to you sometimes is the way i would talk to him?


if he was here.


i think you’ve fallen asleep and you’re lying across the bed diagonally. tsk.


i always think i’m terrible, but you surprise me.

— – – – – – – – – – – –

sorry i was so cynical. i love living with you. i don’t think you’re always mad at me anymore. and look, you still call me.

~Kasia

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because you’re already rocky right now and you’d take it to heart

yesterday was such a pretty day. dena and kris and i watched secretary in our giant fucking bed and i didn’t write my english explication. but it is a-ok. because it was valentine’s day. a very special day.

once again i am slightly freaked out that this semester is gonna end but i’m trying not to take it to heart.

tomorrow is friday. i don’t know how i feel about this yet because i don’t know what’s happening to me on any day until it becomes that day.

i feel gloomy. not unproductive, but gloomy. every other day, i’m catatonic, every other day besides that, the world and i are both made of liquid ecstasy and it shoots out of my eyes and my whole face and my fingertips and i slide down the hallway and i hear “is she always like this” and they say yes but the answer is NO i am not always like this i wish i could be but i think i’d die and burn out but it’s kind of ironic because the times i feel like dying are when i’m not.

this is also a problem because roughly every other day i think colin hates me and doesn’t want anything to do with me and then i almost feel that way back for a fucking second and then i go back to feeling sorry for myself and it’s terrible and it’s not anybody else just him.

it’s also a problem because roughly every other day i’ll think i need help professional help like today and then the switch flips and i’m invincible and maximally self-sufficient and everything and the world and i don’t need anything. and you know where the verdict’s gonna strike. it’s gonna strike when i feel like i’m everything.

haven’t seen my other half all day baby

~Kasia

catatonia

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she’s mad but she’s magic.

i’m back to being a wreck the way that i’m a wreck here– spontaneous, running down the escalators at 3 AM and passing my friends who have just gotten back from going out, never sleeping, forgetting studying is something i need to do, eating breakfast in the afternoon, showering at 5 in the morning– it’s so beautiful. i think i’m gonna go for a walk by the charles river. everything so happens so much and so fast that 24 hours ago feels like a dream. i remember how to have fun again. being a college student is pretty because you can fuck around for hours and hours but no one sleeps if who has blown something off.


i had so much to say. where did it go?

i’m scared.

i need someone who obsesses over me.

to the degree that i obsess over things.

does that person exist?


i went for a walk. the river was the same color as the sky.

i’ve been walking with my feet fully touching the ground. not floating.

whenever i’m in an elevator with somebody else alone, i imagine them trying to hurt me. and then i imagine myself overpowering them. i kind of want it to happen.


i’m not gonna wait around for you hahaha biggest joke i’ve ever heard.


i don’t feel reassured.


i used to feel reassured, about everything. now, i can’t even ask for that anymore. i feel like if i ask for it, i won’t get it. i let whatever it is eat me. and i feel so alone.


everything has changed.


i’ve….changed. or at least, my heart has changed.


i wish i could just exist 24/7.


being invisible hurts.


hurts my body as the world hurts God.


i have a fun story about kris but we’ll save it for later.


everything has too much sugar in it, it makes me sick.


my clothes are all over the floor.


i like my room so much more now that we’ve moved the beds and put her tapestry up. the light on my side of the room has stopped working but hers hasn’t and it shines through the big flower vase woman. it’s so much more cozy.


you’re my cardinal sin.


my my greatest sin is not looking you in the eyes.

~Kasia

You’re my d-d-drug

i took some of kris’s lithium. don’t tell her. i feel unbearable. i didn’t TAKE it yet, but i took it from her bag. she pushed our beds together last night i laughed for like ten hours. i’m not laughing now though because my stats professor hasn’t let me know when i can turn in the homework to her after i already explained i had the plague. (yeah, the manicdepressive plague maybe) i feel like i only exist when other people are interacting with me.


I just played Colin’s song on air and I couldn’t stop smiling I could actually listen to his voice forever

———-

I’m not tired. Might go over to Jonathan’s and get drunk after this. At least I hope

——–

But I also want to see Kris.

She told me to wake her up when I get home and tell her all about it. Isn’t that so sweet.

Everything’s felt so surreal. I’M ON A RADIO SHOW AND I LIVE WITH A FREAK???? I don’t even feel like I felt anything bad today. I feel like I’m getting my confidence back but only in weird hazy intervals. I completely shouldn’t say that because this is what happened to me last time and turns out the parts give abso lutely nothing to the whole body.

———–

I feel like Jack the DJ and lyssa the intern knew each other and were friends already before this show . Actually I’m really convinced of that now. I really like Jack he dresses nicely.

————

Maybe I can write my novel while ON AIR.

————-

It’d be so cool to get my own show next year but I don’t know what I would make it about I’m too erratic

———

I left the film screening really hastily

——–

Feel really crazy. Took more liquid energy to counteract the lithium. Call the hospital

~Kasia