I’m crashing. This has become a familiar feeling for me. I’ll be around my friends nonstop for a few days and then when it’s over, I get so unbearably lonely before I stabilize. It makes me feel so needy, but I think it’s just a byproduct of two things a) the juxtaposition between how I feel around my friends and how I feel around my family, which is fucking jarring b) This chasm I’ve had isn’t something that can be made up.
I’m listening to Mr Brightside because last night, I had to run away from it and towards the ocean and Callum followed me into the ocean and sang Phantom of the Opera with me until it was over. I saw a shadow chasing me and I thought it would be Colin, but I was so happy to see him, probably because I wasn’t expecting it. Anyway, I’m listening to it now, because I want to reclaim it, even though I can never reclaim it, even though I relish a little in how sick that song makes me for no good reason except this one encounter that wasn’t as shady as I make it out to be, was completely consensual–
But whatever, it’s not my fault seemingly inconsequential things make me upset and I won’t let myself feel that way.
The thing I’ve really learned about myself is how much I fucking need to be comfortable. I have more problems with trust than I thought and if someone doesn’t go out of their way to make me feel like I’m safe, then I will be on my guard and I won’t be able to relax and I know why.
Now that I am really letting myself have it, I’m addicted. And it’s ironic, because it’s been getting good just as I’m fucking losing it.
The thing is, I really have no one to talk to at my house and it’s hard for me to get to see my friends unless they whisk me away, and I didn’t really know what I was starved of until I stopped and then started again. I feel like I’ve discovered a different world lately, where I don’t have to be misunderstood, but whenever I am, it feels like I’m being kicked back down.
I’m so fragile when it comes to this and I think the best thing for me right now is to just be away from home until I’m in a place where I’m alright with myself enough not to be dragged under. And here’s another thing: I can learn to understand things without constantly having to relive them. I’ve been so scared I’d forget how it felt, but I know I’m not going to forget. It isn’t so easy to forget what something felt like, even if you forget practically everything else about it like what happened and where you were and what you were wearing (just kidding, not that one).
I guess the conclusion I am trying to come to here is that I’m pretty unstable, which will always be true I’m sure, but this right now is something that’s swinging dangerously, and while that sounds cool, it feels like hell, it really feels like hell.
I just want to drive with my friends to a playground at night and do things like that. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. I think the relationships I’ve been developing lately have taught me more than anything else could teach me right now, I think that’s the kind of learning I need right now, I think that’s what I should spend my time on, because I need that, and I’ve been thinking about this more, too: that IS my field of study. That is what I really want to know about. Dynamics are all I care about and this is the education I need and I think that should be my focus, not school, not “real” school, not anything else. No, I need to talk to people and extract their deepest darkest secrets and understand why they are the way they are and that’s the only thing that really matters to me right now and it’s taken me so long to see it, but I see it. Oh god I see it. It’s been fucking in front of me and I’ve been naive and blind and it doesn’t make any sense to me how I can never fucking see anything until it’s flying 100 miles an hour towards GONE.
I feel so so so much better after writing this out, I’m fine I’m fine. I know I’m comparatively not compared to what ‘fine’ means for other people, but as long as I’m fine for myself, I think I’m doing well. I think that’s why it trips me up so much when people ask me how I’m doing. I can’t even talk about depression, because I can’t think about it. In my head, I’ve beat it by not thinking about it. I just think I have a better perspective on things. In my head. I don’t think it really translates to my actions, I am by all means susceptible, but I think I’m pretty good at separating salt from water by now.
I think I’ve just spent so much of my life deprived of so many things that I require so much to function anything close to a normal human being.
I got a palm reading at the beach and it left me kind of spooked. I can easily see how all of the things the psychic lady said could be easily guessed, but I’d rather believe in mystical things, it’s more fun, and besides, I think if I want things to be mystical, which I desperately do, it’s my job to do it.
I think I’m really learning what I need, so that makes me feel sustained even though everyone thinks I’m unstable (jeez I don’t wonder why). I suppose I’m at the tip of the iceberg or whatever, but it’s the first solid footing I’ve ever felt, of course it feels final to me, of course it feels like everything just because it’s fucking anything.
I want to download all of my documents and bring my laptop to Poland so I can finally get started on this thing. It’s been less and less clear to me what “this thing” is, but that’s just because everything is changing. The worst part is I don’t know if my message should be what I wanted it to be originally or the exact opposite. I feel like I’ll know when I start writing, which sounds stupid and counter-intuitive and, SHOCKER, it is.
As much as I’ve been dreading the six weeks, I need to remember that I’m in a completely different boat now than I was last year. I’m fine, for me, my attitude has changed, I have changed, I just hate coming back to places I’ve felt inconsolably bad, it’s like reclaiming the months all over again, now I have to reclaim this fucking bedroom. But I’ll do it. I’ll watch the curtains turn red in glee. I’ll stay up all night writing jet-lagged things, I’ll fall asleep on the balcony, I know my rights, I know my rights, I know my rights, I know my rights, I won’t choke on the irony of being chased into the corner.
Colin bought me a jellyfish (no not a real one) (yes a real one) (no not a real one), I just said I wanted it and then he bought it for me (people can do that?), I felt so bad about it, but not anymore, I really fucking love jellyfish it’s a great jellyfish, it’s hanging from a nail on my wall, I haven’t seen it in weeks. I can’t explain it, but I have this really deep urge to do more for him than he does for me, I want to top him in every way, I know it’s not supposed to be a competition but I really can’t put that desire under me.
I know this is a long blog post, maybe I should start another one for the grand spectacle of processing information.