Sometimes there’s nothing you can do to stop the river

Here’s another blog post in the string of unpublished blog posts that I wrote a few days ago and then we’re done:

Dear Sun,

The truth is, I have no idea how to pinpoint what I felt for you. It didn’t end at friendship, but I don’t know what it WAS. I have this theory that society tells people that relationships need to be either romantic or platonic, but I feel like a lot of mine fall somewhere on that spectrum in between.

I do miss you. I can’t pretend I don’t miss you. There was so much we didn’t get to do and so much we didn’t get to know about each other and I felt like we were getting to that point.

The thing is, you’re not as lost as I am. The other thing is, you’re not self destructive like I am. If you were, you would never have wanted this, and I think the thing is, I am attracted to self-destruction.¬†You have this instinct for protecting yourself that I completely lack.

Everything was so innocent and I miss that. I think I need more attention than normal people. But maybe I was wrong about that, too, because I’m doing okay right now.

I have a strong feeling like this isn’t over but I just wish I hadn’t given you space when you asked for it. I can’t fix your inability to trust me. That is a problem so completely ingrained in you my dear.

I DON’T KNOW where to go from here with you. There’s nothing I can do, right? Right? Sometimes I’m worried I give up my power before it’s really gone.

I really want to go out to dinner! That’s all. You know when you said you’d like to take me to an intimate restaurant? I want to take you up on that offer. Pretty badly. I wish we could just both meet up in our dreams and go do that.

xx

I feel like I keep asking people for answers but no one will give them to me. Maybe the problem is that I keep looking for them somewhere else when I am the only person who can answer my own questions. But I don’t really believe that. I’m just trying to make myself feel better.

~Kasia

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