Now I Know The Real You

It astounds me how little information I have processed about the beach house. I think it’s because I barely slept over those 52-ish hours and sleep is when information processing happens and also because I was never really alone, or falling asleep alone, or anything like that. I guess this explains why a lot of other things have melted together for me, it feels the same way I always do during tech week, when I can’t remember what happened on what days.

I want to process this. I won’t go into great detail here, I have a different place for that (it really could be anything), so I’ll keep it short and sweet, just like too many things are right now. I guess Colin was right about how if you stay somewhere forever, it stops being exciting, but I wouldn’t have minded an extra day, and also, when he said that, I kind of pictured just living there and going to the beach every day and becoming a psychic and doing my thing, it’s completely what I need right now. I wish I could do that, not go to college yet and just live in some beach town with people I like and do my thing. I really think that’s what I need right now. I need to learn and going to school and trying to immerse myself in a setting I’m kind of used to just doesn’t feel like the right thing for me. I wish I could see what I need before it’s literally in front of me. And the thing is, I haven’t paid my tuition yet, I could totally do that, but I don’t have a car and I don’t have money and none of my friends need what I need, because I don’t plan ahead, because I never know what I need until it’s right in front of me.

And by that point it’s too late, it’s retreating, trying to get me to chase it, but I can’t chase it, I don’t even have a fishing net, only my bare hands.

I can only work when my blood is flowing, I need an electric chair or something to bring me to life whenever I feel like it.

I think my problem is that I don’t have the brain capacity to wrap myself around ambiguity. It’s the only thing that holds me, but I can’t understand it. I can’t flip the switch. If I’m on the defense, then I’m on the defense and there’s no changing that. I can forgive, but my body can’t. That’s why I feel so static here. I can’t truly forgive anyone, because that’s something I just can ‘t wire. My uncle was talking about this last summer, but I’m only making the connection now. It’s not my fault I can’t forgive those things. It’s natural, it’s what happens to you when your trust is betrayed. I can’t change that. I will never be able to truly forgive that, not in my mind but in my body, and we can never have a healthy functioning relationship, because one betrayal is enough to ruin that.

Do it to Julia.

When I told the psychic that my intended career path is a magician, I kind of wasn’t kidding. It’s the only word I could find to sum up what I actually want to do, which is do things that I wish would blow people away but really they’re not that original because it’s not like I’m a fucking witch or wizard.

I think the ambiguity is what will make me go insane, and I don’t mean insane like I am now, I mean insane like how I will end insane, and I know that is how I am going to end, I just know.


Ode to Eireann:

I have so much to say to you, and now I am saying it, because it’s overflowing in my head.

I’m not gonna go out of my way to show you this or anything, just like you didn’t for a LONG TIME. If you still read my blog, I’m sure you’ll chance upon it, if not, then maybe I’ll tell you about it by accident next time we see each other (a real while).

Oh, Eireann, where do I begin. I don’t think I can begin. I can never begin until I begin.

I know you constantly say you feel like a stagnant pond, but to me you are a flowing river, going in every direction, streaming off the map, bleeding to places I didn’t know you had in you. Every time I find out something new about you, Eireann, my heart shatters. In the best way possible. There are so many things I want to talk to you about, and I really hope to God you’ll talk to me about them, because I really need to talk to someone about that and I have for so long. You make my heart stop. You’re someone I can never pinpoint, because you’re always bleeding off the map, and I can’t help but follow the red with my eyes and map that area and wait for the next, I never know when it’s gonna fall. In this weird turnaround way, I feel like I could be a delayed version of you, if I wasn’t myself, I feel like the things you have discovered already are things I am trying to discover right now.

Eireann, I am flattered to be Jay Gatsby on crack to you. I can’t believe how easy you are to talk to. It’s so hard for me to find something like that. You are a thousand moons and a thousand suns. I feel this oneness with you all the time, but at the same time, I can’t crack you. It bothers the hell out of me. The things you keep secret are so unrelated to each other and it frustrates the hell out of me trying to find a connection, but I can’t.

Eireann, I am watching lightning right now, and that is how you make me feel. You flash before my eyes and I wish the flash would just freeze and hold. I want to say that I relate to you more than you know, but I think you know.

Every time we crack open a cold one together, I feel like I’ve found my soulmate in the boys. But I mean it. You give the best advice of anyone I’ve ever talked to. I don’t know where you get this perspective like you’re looking at everything from the heavens. I know I haven’t always taken it right away, but I just want you to know that even though I don’t always listen to you right away, I’m very very aware that you are right all along. I am in utter awe of you, and in other ways, I just find you so comforting, but in a celestial way, like there’s a celestial being looking at the earth from the heavens who can relate to me.

I know this is a weird thing to say, but I don’t think I would feel this way about you if your name was spelled any differently. But don’t mind me, I always say weird things like that.

I have more to say, I will always have more to say, but we’ve got time.


I think I make quite the case for myself.

I was going to reread my diary so I could jump-start my novel, but I don’t think I’m ready to see all of that and I don’t think it will help me at this point, I think I just need to fucking go.

And when I think of reading it, I want to throw up. I have no desire to relive the past right now. I think that I should focus on present revelations. There’s nothing else that I need.


Sometimes, they really convince me. Sometimes, I can feel myself going crazy, because everything seems like it’s fine, and maybe what happened didn’t really happen, maybe it wasn’t a big deal, maybe being so young made it all distorted in my head, maybe I am normal and just a little oversensitive. But I know I’m fooling myself. If what happened isn’t important, then I would not be the way I am, and I have been growing out of it ever since I have been capable of growth. It’s stunted me in some ways and propelled me in others, but it is obviously important, it has obviously made and shattered me, it is the only evidence I have of it happening at all.

don't think




It just wasn’t what I needed anymore

I’m crashing. This has become a familiar feeling for me. I’ll be around my friends nonstop for a few days and then when it’s over, I get so unbearably lonely before I stabilize. It makes me feel so needy, but I think it’s just a byproduct of two things a) the juxtaposition between how I feel around my friends and how I feel around my family, which is fucking jarring b) This chasm I’ve had isn’t something that can be made up.

I’m listening to Mr Brightside because last night, I had to run away from it and towards the ocean and Callum followed me into the ocean and sang Phantom of the Opera with me until it was over. I saw a shadow chasing me and I thought it would be Colin, but I was so happy to see him, probably because I wasn’t expecting it. Anyway, I’m listening to it now, because I want to reclaim it, even though I can never reclaim it, even though I relish a little in how sick that song makes me for no good reason except this one encounter that wasn’t as shady as I make it out to be, was completely consensual–

But whatever, it’s not my fault seemingly inconsequential things make me upset and I won’t let myself feel that way.

The thing I’ve really learned about myself is how much I fucking need to be comfortable. I have more problems with trust than I thought and if someone doesn’t go out of their way to make me feel like I’m safe, then I will be on my guard and I won’t be able to relax and I know why.

Now that I am really letting myself have it, I’m addicted. And it’s ironic, because it’s been getting good just as I’m fucking losing it.

The thing is, I really have no one to talk to at my house and it’s hard for me to get to see my friends unless they whisk me away, and I didn’t really know what I was starved of until I stopped and then started again. I feel like I’ve discovered a different world lately, where I don’t have to be misunderstood, but whenever I am, it feels like I’m being kicked back down.

I’m so fragile when it comes to this and I think the best thing for me right now is to just be away from home until I’m in a place where I’m alright with myself enough not to be dragged under. And here’s another thing: I can learn to understand things without constantly having to relive them. I’ve been so scared I’d forget how it felt, but I know I’m not going to forget. It isn’t so easy to forget what something felt like, even if you forget practically everything else about it like what happened and where you were and what you were wearing (just kidding, not that one).

I guess the conclusion I am trying to come to here is that I’m pretty unstable, which will always be true I’m sure, but this right now is something that’s swinging dangerously, and while that sounds cool, it feels like hell, it really feels like hell.

I just want to drive with my friends to a playground at night and do things like that. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. I think the relationships I’ve been developing lately have taught me more than anything else could teach me right now, I think that’s the kind of learning I need right now, I think that’s what I should spend my time on, because I need that, and I’ve been thinking about this more, too: that IS my field of study. That is what I really want to know about. Dynamics are all I care about and this is the education I need and I think that should be my focus, not school, not “real” school, not anything else. No, I need to talk to people and extract their deepest darkest secrets and understand why they are the way they are and that’s the only thing that really matters to me right now and it’s taken me so long to see it, but I see it. Oh god I see it. It’s been fucking in front of me and I’ve been naive and blind and it doesn’t make any sense to me how I can never fucking see anything until it’s flying 100 miles an hour towards GONE.

I feel so so so much better after writing this out, I’m fine I’m fine. I know I’m comparatively not compared to what ‘fine’ means for other people, but as long as I’m fine for myself, I think I’m doing well. I think that’s why it trips me up so much when people ask me how I’m doing. I can’t even talk about depression, because I can’t think about it. In my head, I’ve beat it by not thinking about it. I just think I have a better perspective on things. In my head. I don’t think it really translates to my actions, I am by all means susceptible, but I think I’m pretty good at separating salt from water by now.

I think I’ve just spent so much of my life deprived of so many things that I require so much to function anything close to a normal human being.

I got a palm reading at the beach and it left me kind of spooked. I can easily see how all of the things the psychic lady said could be easily guessed, but I’d rather believe in mystical things, it’s more fun, and besides, I think if I want things to be mystical, which I desperately do, it’s my job to do it.

I think I’m really learning what I need, so that makes me feel sustained even though everyone thinks I’m unstable (jeez I don’t wonder why). I suppose I’m at the tip of the iceberg or whatever, but it’s the first solid footing I’ve ever felt, of course it feels final to me, of course it feels like everything just because it’s fucking anything.

I want to download all of my documents and bring my laptop to Poland so I can finally get started on this thing. It’s been less and less clear to me what “this thing” is, but that’s just because everything is changing. The worst part is I don’t know if my message should be what I wanted it to be originally or the exact opposite. I feel like I’ll know when I start writing, which sounds stupid and counter-intuitive and, SHOCKER, it is.

As much as I’ve been dreading the six weeks, I need to remember that I’m in a completely different boat now than I was last year. I’m fine, for me, my attitude has changed, I have changed, I just hate coming back to places I’ve felt inconsolably bad, it’s like reclaiming the months all over again, now I have to reclaim this fucking bedroom. But I’ll do it. I’ll watch the curtains turn red in glee. I’ll stay up all night writing jet-lagged things, I’ll fall asleep on the balcony, I know my rights, I know my rights, I know my rights, I know my rights, I won’t choke on the irony of being chased into the corner.

Colin bought me a jellyfish (no not a real one) (yes a real one) (no not a real one), I just said I wanted it and then he bought it for me (people can do that?), I felt so bad about it, but not anymore, I really fucking love jellyfish it’s a great jellyfish, it’s hanging from a nail on my wall, I haven’t seen it in weeks. I can’t explain it, but I have this really deep urge to do more for him than he does for me, I want to top him in every way, I know it’s not supposed to be a competition but I really can’t put that desire under me.

I know this is a long blog post, maybe I should start another one for the grand spectacle of processing information.