OUT OF THE ASHES I RISE WITH MY RED HAIR, AND I EAT MEN LIKE AIR.

dear colin,

here are some things i want out of life.

  1. last week not last week anymore kris and i are sitting across from each other at a table in the student union and she suddenly looks up at me, her hair all whiplash, her eyes like hot ice, and out of nowhere says “i rise up from the ashes with my red hair and i eat men like air” and then we cackle for ten or fifteen years. that’s the ending of Lady Lazarus by Sylvia Plath.
  2. i liked hearing your voice on my radio station and being responsible for it. i think i just like hearing your voice.
  3. i am currently experiencing something that’s never happened to me before i.e. i live with somebody i feel is a purely positive influence on my life and it’s strange but really nice. for the first time, i get excited and happy when i hear the door opening and not like i have to hide something, shove it all under a veil again.
  4. i only sleep as an afterthought and i only stop when my body stops and my soul is forced to stop along with it.
  5. tonight when i wrote this i ONLY remember nice things about you.
  6. i want to show someone what’s in my head.
  7. last time in california. the air is the same temperature as my skin. i think at the time it’s because i belong there. i just started dating quinn a few days ago and i remember i am infinitely relieved to be flying across the country at light speed. i am so preoccupied with him that i am texting him from the hotel bathroom and my phone shatters on the ceramic floor. like my phone knows he is bad news. as soon as i fly back, he asks me to dinner. i immediately get all feverish and go through hot waves of delirious zeal. i guess e v e r y b o d y knows. by the time we (you and me) go on our first date, i am still fantasizing about going to this one sunny patch of grass in the forest he always took me to and spray painting it B L A C K blacked out.
  8. i remember moving here, but i don’t remember being able to remember where i moved from. i don’t remember how i got there. i remember opening the door to an empty apartment. and stepping inside. and then it wasn’t empty.
  9. i LOVE feeling like i’m in control of myself, it’s more addicting to me than anything could be;
  10. i used to fall half asleep on the stairs.
  11. you made me stop wanting to vomit thinking about shooting stars.
  12. if i can associate it with you, i like it.
  13. when my grandma was dying, my grandpa took her home from the hospital so she could die in her bed. he’d feed her everything she wasn’t supposed to eat and my mom would get very upset about it but i thought it was sweet.
  14. so i like to think one day when someone i love is dying in a terrible place like that, i’ll bust them out of the hospital and wheel their stretcher all the way to carmel-by-the-sea and they can die there instead.
  15. eventually, the tourism people will catch on and try to stop me, but fucking try me.
  16. i want to make you happy. i want to make you as happy as i can feel happy. but i also want you to feel my pain. i think i just need somebody to understand how i feel things.
  17. i get nostalgic about everything but i think loving you is the longest longing i’ve ever felt.
  18. my eyes are inflaming.
  19. i want you to tell me to take my contacts out before i fall asleep. it’s really been a problem. i feel like you could have that power and save my eyes when we’re together.   i’m crossing this out because you’ve already been doing it. thank you. 
  20. i want to be in a place where i can just give the world to everyone i love. and i don’t need anyone to do it for me back. i’d rather be that person.
  21. there’s always something.

~Kasia

Advertisements

In your vacuous black, stars stuck all over

6.5.17

3:39 PM

You will always be the hole in my heart.

3:40 PM

Letting go takes too long. I wanted to just be ripped out by the roots.

3:40 PM

Why is everything so gradual.

3:40 PM

I wish I never read The Grave.

3:42 PM

I fucking need to be watered. I feel so deprived.

3:42 PM

Who wouldn’t go crazy with this on-off switch?

3:43 PM

Abuse, love, forgiveness, power game, everything goes still. I would never ever move. I will stay still. You are so good at making sure.

3:44 PM

You know what scares me now? Distance.

3:45 PM

Make up your god damn mind.

3:46 PM

I think that is the general theme of everything. Ambiguity and indecision and breaking the trance and going back to the trance and not understanding the juxtaposition between goodness and evil, and love and abuse, and breathing and drowning, how am I supposed to make myself understand, I don’t know where to get my education from.

3:47 PM

There is so much that has stunted me. These next few years will blow me open.

3:50 PM

Can I take the light?

3:52 PM

Natalie is next on my black list, Natalie, I’m coming for you.

3:55 PM

Am I oversensitive, is this real?

3:56 PM

Separation will purify me.

3:56 PM

I DIDN’T WANT IT LIKE THIS, I WANTED IT TO BE VIOLENT, I WANTED IT TO LEAVE ME SHELL SHOCKED, I WANTED IT TO BE PERMANENT, I WANTED IT TO BE FOR GOOD, I DON’T THINK I’LL FEEL IT THE RIGHT WAY. I WANTED TO DO THIS THE RIGHT WAY.

3:58 PM

Loss of memory: never.

3:59 PM

I really wanted to see how far I could go.

4:02 PM

I’m ungrateful and it’s because I think everything has this cosmic significance.

4:06 PM

I wonder what it would be like to take everything lightly.

riot

~Kasia