Taste your own medicine

14 drafts of suppressed feeling.

Will I let them out of there.

Only if I get my fill tonight.




8:54 PM I think I finally know what it feels like to survive.

8:54 PM I’ve been sad.

8:54 PM I now know that there is no way to avoid this and I just have to keep moving.

8:55 PM That’s okay.

8:55 PM I think heartbreak is just the nature of everything.

8:55 PM But it’s not so bad.

8:56 PM It hurts.

8:56 PM I like it.

8:57 PM I also overreact.

8:57 PM It’s never very subtle.

8:57 PM I feel so calm. I’m not gonna drink when I’m upset anymore.

8:58 PM I won’t let anyone take my dreams from me.

8:58 PM I accept that everything that’s ever happened to me is only the universe trying to help me realize my destiny. I think I made up my destiny when I made that deal when I was about eight years old with either God or the devil. I don’t really believe in God or the devil, so maybe that was just the guise. Maybe there’s been a transfer of fate. Maybe I’ve really made the deal with myself.

9:00 PM I guess I kind of believe in the idea of an afterlife. I’m not sure how.

9:00 PM That kind of energy can’t just die.

9:01 PM If I just have faith that things will keep changing, and I do have faith, then I don’t have to worry about anything.

9:02 PM I guess someday the world will try to suffocate me and drown me in monotony. I won’t let it happen.

9:02 PM I don’t have to let it.

9:03 PM I guess this is the story I care most about. I can’t write fiction because I’m a narcissist.

9:04 PM I don’t want to anyway.

9:04 PM I think I have an addiction.

9:04 PM I mean there’s a difference between craving something and suffocating in it.

9:04 PM This feels like craving.

9:05 PM But other things are suffocating me.

9:05 PM I’m not responsible for how my desires shift. I’m not. But when they do. I have to listen.

9:07 PM I feel better when I do things of my own free will.

9:08 PM I’m a little worried I’ll never feel so crystal clear again but I know that’s not true.

9:08 PM And that I don’t really.

9:09 PM The deal? I hope it was a fair trade.

9:09 PM I am trying to figure out who I really made it with.

9:09 PM I think I was just trying to give myself a reason to survive.

9:10 PM It’s working. I won’t rest until I achieve my destiny.

9:10 PM It’ll never be done.