I feel really out of touch. I don’t know where reality and fantasy converge. I want to make myself unrecognizable. I want to see how far I can push myself while retaining the same chemical composition.
I’m trying to rearrange my priorities. I know it’ll all be fine and someday I will make a movie and invite all my friends to be in it and I think I’ll have a graduation party where I have a bonfire and ask everyone to bring stuff they want to burn and forget about forever and I think I’ve been doing fine with being clear about my intentions, at least. Not like with Scott my sophomore year. Not like with a lot of things. But I have to get better at forgiving myself for not knowing certain things before I learned them.
But here are some things I do know: 1) As long as I keep moving, I’ll be alright, 2) I know I shouldn’t waste my time, 3) I know what I am trying to do here, 4) I know I need to be suspended, 5) I know I need a lot of attention or I’ll wither, 6) I know I shouldn’t trust the devil when he’s calm, 7) I know I should be playing dirty with people who have done me wrong, 8) I know I shouldn’t feel guilty about being opportunistic because there’s obviously no such thing as karma, 9) I kind of feel this dread descending upon me now, but it doesn’t matter, 10) Nothing really does, 11) I think I am kind of sad about everyone going their separate ways, 12) Why am I not sad about all the ways I’ve been split into different versions of myself time and time again?, 13) Because it’s not something I am capable of missing.
I feel like things are ending instead of beginning, I don’t think that’s a real great thing to live with.
I want to have dreams. I want to remember them. I don’t want to forget them when I wake up.
Everything is just so
I want to bury everything. Everything. I want to forget the horrible things I’m built from. I want to forget the source and live out the tide. I feel like I have turned the tide. Why won’t you let me. Why can’t we speed this thing up.
I am so good at losing it