This is going to be a happier post.
Here’s Alyssa’s scoliosis x-ray that I also hung on my wall to be super edgy.
Here’s a statue of the Lady of Sorrows. I still feel a real kinship with the Lady of Sorrows, but I also don’t feel like that 100% of the time, so that’s nice.
I keep rereading Eireann’s call-out to me that she posted, I’m going to copy it here so I can have some more happy things (did I just call the Lady of Sorrows happy?). I’m just going to link myself to it here so I can look at it whenever I want (https://complainingintothevoid.wordpress.com/2017/05/02/52never-you-will-never-finish-them/).
I really want to work in a restaurant. I guess it sounds a little intimidating, but that’s the point. Please. Please scare the living hell out of me. It’s all I ever want.
Looking back, I had a really destructive attitude about relationships in the past. I really wanted it to destroy me. I kind of like that I had that attitude, but I am glad that I don’t anymore.
I can kind of feel myself going crazy sometimes but I think now is not one of those times. I’ve seen some of my craziest fantasies happen. Why should that not keep happening.
O.K. we all know I cannot just talk about happy things. I mean, I can make them happy. I’ve been kind of feeling insecure about how I don’t know what I’m studying, and then yesterday I had to go to the dentist, and he had to bitch to me about that of course. He was like, “You know, if my father hadn’t pushed me to be a dentist, I don’t know what I’d be doing” and then he asked me what I want to be when I “grow up” and I said, “a lot of things,” because I want to do a lot of things, and actually I don’t care that much, but today I mimicked him to my friend Kersten and she laughed and I felt better. I think as long as I don’t do things I don’t care about, I’m gonna be fine. I’m not gonna do useless shit to make myself feel important. I think the only good thing about hating everything like I do and being cynical is at least I can distinguish what’s actually important.
Kersten took up a whole page in my yearbook, which made me really happy. I had like five minutes to sign Eireann’s, I hope she likes it enough.
I am trying to work on this stupid poem, but these lines are the only thing I can actually stand:
I am a flower you shut in a dark room.
And you’re waiting to see if I’ll die
Or if I’ll bloom.
I have news.
Even from in here I will be