can’t swallow this undertone HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

literally feel like my eyes are popping out of my head. do you think i’d still look pretty with empty sockets.

i guess it’s the time…of the….season…..

i went to the one acts this weekend. there’s this one quote from the sophomore play and i wish i’d made it my senior quote.


but it’s okay. that’s a fake idea anyway. i’ll just play it over my internal soundtrack. f o r e v e r.




i’ve been cursing eireann for hours because last night i read her blog post about falling asleep in her clothes with the lights on every night and then waking up at 5 in the morning and guess what i did last night? that. it’s like watching a horror movie before you go to bed and then having nightmare about it.

i woke up at 5:49 AM and decided to shower and wash my hair and put on pajamas and get in bed properly and pretend that’s what had been happening all along.

so i’m glad kris is moving in today because THAT won’t have to happen again and everything will be the best and i can’t wait.

turns out it’s only moving day pt. 1. tomorrow will be pt. 2. i i can’t wait i hate staring at this bare mattress.

last night was weird. just so intense. i couldn’t stop crying. the only thing that stopped me from crying was when kris called me in the middle of the night. it was probably 1. she had no idea but it still feels like some kind of instinct. she told me that the later you stay up, the more intense everything feels and everything gets to be all high emotions…”that’s when i know it’s time for me to stop talking to people and go to bed…” so i kind of resolved that i’d start going to bed early and stop talking to people when that hits. good joke, i know that’s not gonna happen.

will she still CALL me if we LIVE TOGETHER? do you know how much it means to me when she calls me? you can’t possibly but i know and i know i’m being ridiculous and sentimental like yes we’ll still call each other when we’re not IN THE ROOM TOGETHER OKAY KASIA.

my earring fell out and she gave me a new one and it took me an hour but i stabbed it through my earlobe. i did it. i stabbed myself. i’ve never been able to do that. it probably doesn’t count to you because the hole wasn’t totally closed but it counts to me.

i’ll miss walking down her street. i love her street. i know, the street’s not going anywhere, but i don’t think the street itself is enough for me to feel I.T. if i don’t have a destination.

i think colin and i are going to be okay. i guess last night was just….residual pain. a lot of it, like the way i felt it, you would’ve guessed it was the real thing. i’m still recovering. i’m on a video call with him right now and he’s sleeping. or at least i think he’s fallen asleep and if he hasn’t then i’m sure he can hear me typing. i’m eating chocolate cheesecake. i just feel like i need a lot of affection right now. i wish i could see him.

i miss mia but i’m sad that she didn’t need me to help her move in and i’m pretty sure she stole almost all my cigarettes which makes me mad because i like smelling like smoke.

((you not being here is anomic to me because i do not feel like i am going to go to bed))

i’m a little afraid that whatever i choose to be my major will turn out to be a disaster…..but there’s a good reason not to listen to people at the end of the day. they don’t know about ME.

i want to stay on the call all night i miss him so much.


Aruba Jamaica oooooo I wanna take ya

This is going to be a happier post.

all i care

Here’s Alyssa’s scoliosis x-ray that I also hung on my wall to be super edgy.

lady of sorrows

Here’s a statue of the Lady of Sorrows. I still feel a real kinship with the Lady of Sorrows, but I also don’t feel like that 100% of the time, so that’s nice.

I keep rereading Eireann’s call-out to me that she posted, I’m going to copy it here so I can have some more happy things (did I just call the Lady of Sorrows happy?). I’m just going to link myself to it here so I can look at it whenever I want (

I really want to work in a restaurant. I guess it sounds a little intimidating, but that’s the point. Please. Please scare the living hell out of me. It’s all I ever want.

Looking back, I had a really destructive attitude about relationships in the past. I really wanted it to destroy me. I kind of like that I had that attitude, but I am glad that I don’t anymore.

I can kind of feel myself going crazy sometimes but I think now is not one of those times. I’ve seen some of my craziest fantasies happen. Why should that not keep happening.

O.K. we all know I cannot just talk about happy things. I mean, I can make them happy. I’ve been kind of feeling insecure about how I don’t know what I’m studying, and then yesterday I had to go to the dentist, and he had to bitch to me about that of course. He was like, “You know, if my father hadn’t pushed me to be a dentist, I don’t know what I’d be doing” and then he asked me what I want to be when I “grow up” and I said, “a lot of things,” because I want to do a lot of things, and actually I don’t care that much, but today I mimicked him to my friend Kersten and she laughed and I felt better. I think as long as I don’t do things I don’t care about, I’m gonna be fine. I’m not gonna do useless shit to make myself feel important. I think the only good thing about hating everything like I do and being cynical is at least I can distinguish what’s actually important.

Kersten took up a whole page in my yearbook, which made me really happy. I had like five minutes to sign Eireann’s, I hope she likes it enough.

I am trying to work on this stupid poem, but these lines are the only thing I can actually stand:

I am a flower you shut in a dark room.

And you’re waiting to see if I’ll die

Or if I’ll bloom.


I have news.

Even from in here I will be

Your doom.


You really should stop talking

I feel really out of touch. I don’t know where reality and fantasy converge. I want to make myself unrecognizable. I want to see how far I can push myself while retaining the same chemical composition.

I’m trying to rearrange my priorities. I know it’ll all be fine and someday I will make a movie and invite all my friends to be in it and I think I’ll have a graduation party where I have a bonfire and ask everyone to bring stuff they want to burn and forget about forever and I think I’ve been doing fine with being clear about my intentions, at least. Not like with Scott my sophomore year. Not like with a lot of things. But I have to get better at forgiving myself for not knowing certain things before I learned them.

But here are some things I do know: 1) As long as I keep moving, I’ll be alright, 2) I know I shouldn’t waste my time, 3) I know what I am trying to do here, 4) I know I need to be suspended, 5) I know I need a lot of attention or I’ll wither, 6) I know I shouldn’t trust the devil when he’s calm, 7) I know I should be playing dirty with people who have done me wrong, 8) I know I shouldn’t feel guilty about being opportunistic because there’s obviously no such thing as karma, 9) I kind of feel this dread descending upon me now, but it doesn’t matter, 10) Nothing really does, 11) I think I am kind of sad about everyone going their separate ways, 12) Why am I not sad about all the ways I’ve been split into different versions of myself time and time again?, 13) Because it’s not something I am capable of missing.

I feel like things are ending instead of beginning, I don’t think that’s a real great thing to live with.

I want to have dreams. I want to remember them. I don’t want to forget them when I wake up.

Everything is just so

I want to bury everything. Everything. I want to forget the horrible things I’m built from. I want to forget the source and live out the tide. I feel like I have turned the tide. Why won’t you let me. Why can’t we speed this thing up.

I am so good at losing it


(don’t) stop me now

This blog post is to make up for the one I didn’t do last week. I don’t know if it actually will, but a girl can try. And fail. It doesn’t matter. I like writing these.

Here’s a video of a tilt-a-whirl, aka what Mrs. Gounis says reading my thoughts makes her go through. That comment made me so happy:

Here’s a song I can’t stop listening to:

Yeah, it’s circus music. Yeah, shut the fuck up.

You fuck with Mother Nature and she’s gonna get pissed, she don’t always act like a lady.  

I might blow off Slam Poetry Club with Kelly today to go play Dungeons and Dragons with Colin just before my callbacks.

I’m trying to write this novel based loosely around my life and I really need to spend some time deeply thinking about that soon or I might fall off the face of the earth.

Too many things are happening for me to miss anything at all. It’s so nice not to be nostalgic. Even when things are over, they just keep happening. It’s exactly what I need to stay afloat.

I heard that a lot of people didn’t get callbacks and I don’t know what it could possibly mean and they are only going to be about 30-40 minutes and the whole thing is making me so nervous. I’m trying to think of the characters I most want to play. They are Olivia, Maria, Viola, and Feste. I can’t stress to you enough how much I want to play a drunken character, but I doubt I’d get to play Feste, because I don’t play an instrument. I love Feste, though. Oh my god. When I saw Kira’s production in December, they cast Feste as a girl and it was fantastic to watch. That would be quite a role to play. I can’t remember if Maria gets drunk or not, but I think I will try to make myself drunken no matter what role I play. I have faith that they’ll make me a drunken person, though, or I guess my drunken rendition of Sonnet 130 wasn’t as “life-changing” as Ms. Leung claimed. God, please don’t make claims like that unless you’re going to follow through.

Kira and I keep texting each other about our ROMANCE DRAMA which is so much fun. She has this 22-year-old guy who has a crush on her, but he keeps being weird. His name is Devon. Please don’t tell her I’m gossiping about her in my blog. Anyway I love her and I almost wish she wasn’t going to Disney over February Break so I could see her, but I know she’s happy about going.

Mrs. Gounis just used some word to describe blogging and I don’t remember what it was. A combination of “perturbative” and “intuitive” or something. I am too lazy to ask her.

I don’t know what else I’m doing over February Break at the moment except that my friends are having a Valentine’s Day party and Karen and I are going to go shopping at some point and my dad wants to take us skiing. I just want to see my friends every day. Or I’ll be sad.

Blogging is a little addicting, why am I not writing my ode. Fuck you, Kasia. You ruined my life. I hate you.


Our version of Twelfth Night is going to be set in a casino, which is pretty exciting. The priest who’s “almost responsible for Illyria’s first ever same-sex marriage” is going to be someone doing an Elvis impersonation, which I’m so excited about. I really hope Helena gets that part because her impersonation is killer.

I feel like maybe I should be sad that this is my last play or that Colin couldn’t audition with me but everything is just like whatever.

I hate myself for a lot of reasons but especially because I get bored of my clothes so easily and I’ll go through this thing where I’ll only wear a rotation of the same select clothes because I hate everything else I own.

I want to talk about colors now. My favorite color is probably red, but I love purple too, and especially shades between red and purple. Like wine. That’s so pretty. Here you go.


I used to have a pair of boots this color, but then the zipper broke, I swear it was the worst day of my life. I literally tried to kill myself that day but that was still the worst thing that happened.

KIRA doesn’t even know how to help me with my Situation. I’m screwed. I am beyond help. In the wise words of Callum, “Life is meaningless. Embrace hedonism.”