The Great Hacksby

In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since.
     “Whenever you feel like criticizing any one,” he told me, “just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.”

I always feel like it’s the other way around for me. Whenever I feel like criticizing myself,

I just try to remember that I haven’t had all the advantages other people have had.

~Kasia

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617 353 6400, can’t call me cause i’m not there.

i’m not on the radio tonight.

i’m not on the radio tonight, because jack emailed me and said that he and lyssa are “hosting high schoolers this week” and that “they’re going to be on the show” and “if i don’t want to be stuck with three random high schoolers” i don’t have to come, and because i’m me, that sounds like “kasia, if you come tonight, i swear to god i’m gonna slit your throat and spit on your grave and, plot twist, it’s special fertilizing spit that makes carnivorous plants grow out of your grave and they’re gonna grow big and eat your bones” so i’m not there.

i was almost there. i was basically there. i did that thing where i go there and then i turn around and go home instead. except this time i didn’t even go into the building.

i feel dumb because i love the radio and i want to be there. i can’t even complain about it. i live for it. friday nights midnight to 2 AM. and then i can’t sleep till 5 AM cause i was walking around at 2 AM. i don’t feel like going to bed right now and i really don’t feel like being alone either even though i thought i was having a good time being alone and not needing anybody ever and i don’t know why i did this to myself when i didn’t even have to and i was practically there.

i also feel dumb because i’m rereading his email and it doesn’t sound ominous in any way and he ended it with “your call!”

your call, kasia.

your

call.

~Kasia

let me slip away.

  • i’ve occasionally thought about if i might be happier on a “real campus” because maybe there’d be more of a sense of community and i’d feel less victimized by sixteen stories repeating but then i remind myself that i always wanted to study somewhere urban where it’s easy to get around and there are a million attractions all around me, for example, if i want to visit my mom in the hospital, it’s just two t stops away, seven inbound on the green line, one on the red line, direction alewife, and there’s a t stop right in front of my dorm, so city living is really convenient for someone like me who loves excitement and doesn’t have a car and doesn’t mind walking long distances and interacting with shady characters who lurk underground so long as they don’t try to touch me.
  • i was always happy i ended so close to you but i feel so far away from you physically and mentally.
  • i don’t know why i’m crying again i thought we were over that after i cried 23 hours a day for a week and a half but i guess just like i don’t run out of blood
  • is life always this hard?
  • i think we agreed on yes. the only time that fact is beautiful is when you first realize it, and you realize how unfair everything is and maybe you still cry about it because it’s so new and you still feel cheated of something and
  • then maybe you get numb to it or if you’re like me, you still feel cheated of something forever even though you know there’s no way you were born into the right things to ever stop feeling like this or
  • maybe you’re one of those people who decide to believe in karma or something that says everything is fair just so you can live with yourself. and i won’t say you’re wrong.

~Kasia

to whom it may concern.

It’s much easier—– being alone—– when I’ve been at it—– for a while—— better keep it up——- if I want to survive—— because having breaks—– doesn’t help—– and I need help——

I hope you take me—– so I can take you—— and if I take you—– then you won’t take me—— because you’ll have me——

Just give me—– everything—— I swear—– you won’t believe me——- I’ll give you much more than—– everything—– even though you are—— everything—— everything——- everything—— everything——- let me be the——- river of the world————-

I have given you—– everything I have—— give me everything—– so I can give you—– the rest of it——

~Kasia

straight to the top.

I still want it——- I still want you—— I can’t lie——- Listening to that song is enough to affirm it——- and so lovely, it could be reason enough—– altogether—–

Listen, I’ve been strung out about this but—– when I listen to it—— nothing else in the world to me matters—— everybody I’ve ever known, everything I’ve ever lived through—– don’t tell me that’s not very nice—– it’s the nicest thing—–

And so I did it—— I still want it—— I treated it as casually as if I were checking the mail—– or as if I were taking something out of the oven—— or closing a door—- let the act fly away, like it was done—- isn’t it——–

It could come to nothing—— if it does—– nobody needs to ever know about it—— I’ll spare their feelings—– but if it comes to nothing—— I know I won’t spare mine—–

I feel ridiculous—– stupid—— hopeful——- that last part is—— less stupid—— so I’ll wait—– again—— for you——- and if you——– disappoint me—— I might be happy——- or I might be sad——- but if I never try——- I’ll never know——– and if I know—— and I fail—– I might become——- hopeful and—— stupid—— again.

There’s no guarantee this will make anything better—— but when I listen to that song—— nothing matters——

~Kasia

rules of cleansing

  • no eating.
  • drinking, however, is encouraged.
  • long showers, extremely hot or extremely cold, cannot flinch.
  • in vino veritas.
  • only wear the cleanest clothes that you have.
  • do not wear a bra.
  • no shutting out, no matter how upset someone makes you.
  • your bed needs to be made so you can lie in it.
  • don’t wear clothes.
  • pain must be tolerated. it may not be avoided.
  • alcohol is good for the soul.
  • the less you write, the less you eat.
  • give your body over to sensation.
  • leave both gates of your lens opened, so that nothing gets filtered.
  • do not be hurt.
  • look at things closely with your eyes closed.
  • it’s not a sin to go searching somewhere else if your needs are not met.
  • you may not be unkind to yourself or anyone whom you see as an extension of your spirit.
  • hoarding language is not a sin, it is a religion.
  • take a vow of silence.
  • suffer in silence.

~Kasia

hester baby.

kristen kristen kristen,

i take notes when we talk. i love talking to you on the phone for hours. i lie down and i just talk and say anything on my mind and i don’t notice it’s been 4 hours until you tell me. thought you ought to know so let me publicly shame you. whatever we have feels so real.

bye,

~Kasia