Sometimes there’s nothing you can do to stop the river

Here’s another blog post in the string of unpublished blog posts that I wrote a few days ago and then we’re done:

Dear Sun,

The truth is, I have no idea how to pinpoint what I felt for you. It didn’t end at friendship, but I don’t know what it WAS. I have this theory that society tells people that relationships need to be either romantic or platonic, but I feel like a lot of mine fall somewhere on that spectrum in between.

I do miss you. I can’t pretend I don’t miss you. There was so much we didn’t get to do and so much we didn’t get to know about each other and I felt like we were getting to that point.

The thing is, you’re not as lost as I am. The other thing is, you’re not self destructive like I am. If you were, you would never have wanted this, and I think the thing is, I am attracted to self-destruction. You have this instinct for protecting yourself that I completely lack.

Everything was so innocent and I miss that. I think I need more attention than normal people. But maybe I was wrong about that, too, because I’m doing okay right now.

I have a strong feeling like this isn’t over but I just wish I hadn’t given you space when you asked for it. I can’t fix your inability to trust me. That is a problem so completely ingrained in you my dear.

I DON’T KNOW where to go from here with you. There’s nothing I can do, right? Right? Sometimes I’m worried I give up my power before it’s really gone.

I really want to go out to dinner! That’s all. You know when you said you’d like to take me to an intimate restaurant? I want to take you up on that offer. Pretty badly. I wish we could just both meet up in our dreams and go do that.

xx

I feel like I keep asking people for answers but no one will give them to me. Maybe the problem is that I keep looking for them somewhere else when I am the only person who can answer my own questions. But I don’t really believe that. I’m just trying to make myself feel better.

~Kasia

Who cares if I am late to the party

God I don’t want to leave my brother alone next year. I don’t want to have to worry about if he’s going crazy here and I’m scared we’ll drift apart, but I know that’s not true, I think things will be better, but I also don’t want to leave him all alone. At the same time, I know I can count on him to be my CIA agent. It’s funny. I can see him having all of the emotional blocks I did. It might take him even longer to become genuine, and it is still so hard for me to be genuine while I’m here. Mostly I revert back to my same mechanisms. But I had something that helped me come into myself, despite all of the ways I’ve been stunted here. I hope he finds that. I think he’s already way better at taking back power than I am. I don’t know why it’s so different for us. But at the same time, it’s not, because I can see him doing everything I used to do, except at the time, I didn’t know why I was doing it. It felt like I was running around blindfolded.

I’m glad I’ve been writing here again. I know it’s kind of a spotty record given how there are some gaps stretching over some monumental spans of time, but I think the things you don’t say are as important as the things you do say. So why am I addressing some things and not others?

I’ve been waiting so long for things to be important. They always have been, I guess, but now, they are so important that anything I do freezes forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and

Now. Now my choices are real. Now everything is consequential. It’s always been consequential. It took me so long to become acquainted with the fact that everything I do will be drilled into my head forever.

Now I have the immense desire to work in a movie theater and see all of the free movies I want. They better accept THIS freaking application.

I hope I die before I get sick. I don’t even know how I would deal with something like that. I don’t. I’m coming up empty.

xxxxxxxx

Dear Sun,

I am in SO MUCH PAIN whenever I am forced to think of you. Whenever I see your name. I now know why you did what you did. You are good at protecting yourself. I wish I was that good at it.

Dear Sun,

I am such a liar.

~Kasia

You have been terminated

Dear Sun,

I know I said I’d only break your heart at some point, but I could picture you breaking my heart, too. My point is, this could never have ended well. You’re not somebody I could end well with. Even if you hadn’t been brave, do you think we could have ever ended well? Nothing ends well but especially not me and especially not you. Maybe my mom’s right and you have that evil glint in your eye. She makes me think I’m the devil straight out of hell, though, too, so I probably shouldn’t trust her.

Dear Sun,

You know, I feel so much clearer now that there’s nothing I can do about you, but I can’t let go of the feeling that I should have yelled at you while I was still mad. I put that candle out. I sink everything.

Dear Sun,

But you don’t hate me? Do you hate me? Because you used to love me?

Dear Sun,

I did the right thing for myself, I don’t think I’ve ever done that before.

Dear Sun,

I can’t remember anything. I’ve redacted you.

x

Here’s another letter I’ve written you:

Dear Sun,

I stopped wearing your jewelry after prom. Out of love I am letting you go. I’ve set the timer back to zero. You know where to find me.

xoxo, Moon

Here’s the last letter I am writing to you.

Dear Sun,

You know where to find me.

~Kasia

You wish, you fool

Dear Sun,

I know you have this obsession with history repeating. I used to have it, too. I think that someday you will learn history doesn’t have to repeat. The only pattern that exists in reality is how unresolved intentions constantly surface up from under severe oppression. You will see how malleable everything is.

x  Scene.

I was on the school bus for the last time today. I was writing my bus driver a love letter and I realized midway through it that I wouldn’t finish on time, so I ripped it all up when I got off and I scattered it down the drain.

Sometimes I feel like I’m on top of the world and sometimes I feel like I’m under it. Today I felt like I was transcending.

3:16 p.m. And now I don’t// But // I // Have // Made // It // This // Far // I’m // Not // Gonna // Let // It // Kill // Me

~Kasia

I think we spent three months as cosmic entities

Dear Sun,

I am not going to give you back the flowers. Neither am I going to burn them or throw them away. I am going to put them back in the green room where they belong. I will simply be returning a prop. Maybe you’ll see them there sometime. You shouldn’t have them and I shouldn’t have them. They never belonged to either of us, even though they belonged to both of us. It doesn’t mean that I take back what happened. I can’t take it back and I wouldn’t take it back. I needed it and someday you’ll see that you did, too. It hurts to see you, but I know you don’t hate me, and I don’t hate you, either.

You will never read this. Not any of it. Maybe if you did, you would understand. But it’s okay. I’m not trying to justify it.

I would hold onto you, but I feel like I’m reaching above-ness and I can’t touch the ground anymore. You may have taken my name, but you can’t take what I am.

~Moon

Bling bling bling bling bling

(5.24.17) Yes, I know I’ve been posting a lot today. I think it’s helping me.

I have a lot of things I need to do and tomorrow is my last real day of school and I’m gonna need to somehow squeeze it all in. I have to give people back their things, I have to ask people for signatures, I have to have some serious talks with some people. I don’t know how I’m going to do it all. I guess even though I’ve been kind of scared, it’s dawned on me how the only thing keeping me alive this whole year has been the constant assurance that this is gonna be over soon. Now, the thing I’m talking about is not over yet, it may never be over, but in a few months, I’m gonna be able to distance myself from it and look at it from a bit of a removed perspective. I’ve been afraid of becoming completely removed from this thing that’s responsible for my whole identity, but I know that I’m not going that far and I could become completely re-immersed in it if I chose and I most likely will be whether I make that choice or not.

I think there are a lot of underground desires that I have that have caused the stars to align this way. I received a waitlist update from NYU a few days ago, and they said that so far, they’ve admitted 925 more students off the waitlist and they still might admit some more. At this point, my hope has almost entirely faded, but I wish I could stop being on the line all the time.

I’ve been thinking about how long it’s taken me to build up any confidence in the things I do, and how hard it will be to build that same kind of confidence up for any other thing I pursue. And that’s still not saying that much, because I am not that confident in anything. I mean, okay, I’m not giving myself enough credit again, I can ACTUALLY DEAL WITH SOME THINGS NOW.

I am now going to talk about some things I really want to do now that I’m back in the sphere of being capable of wanting things. Cool. I really want to learn to drive a motorcycle sometime. I want to drive a motorcycle while wearing a leather jacket. I also want to learn how to pilot a plane. I think it’s just a combination of romantic appeal and the illusion of power. I think it’d be cool to impulsively sneak aboard a ship and become a sailor for a little bit. I feel like I wouldn’t get too seasick. I want to travel practically everywhere. Even Australia. If there’s a snake in my shower pipes, then maybe I can write a horror story about it. I want to go to the desert. I want to recreate Ferdinand Magellan’s little sea voyage and die in the Philippines. I want to write until I am empty and then fill myself up and write again. I want to open a theater and then abandon it and I want to make films and I want to start an underground mafia that operates under the guise of a really cool and obscure restaurant and I want to architect a whole city except that would make me feel too much like I am God and I want to go dancing and I want to be in a band and I want to start my own theatre troupe and I want to expose evil scandals and I want to do only everything I want for the rest of my life but that’s not gonna happen and I want to enjoy dressing up for funerals and when the apocalypse happens, I don’t want to be there for it.

No one is going to tell me how to dress. (I might wear my bra on the outside of my shirt tomorrow because my dad said it’s better than if my bra is visible underneath.) No one is going to stress me out of my mind every time I want to make plans. No one is going to tell me what I can and cannot do. No one is going to make me feel like I don’t have power over myself.

Don’t fool yourself, sunshine, this summer isn’t going to be like anything you’ve known. The past fucking year hasn’t. There are no exceptions to this new rule. Not now not never.

MAYBE FATE WANTS YOU DEAD TOO.

~Kasia

Aruba Jamaica oooooo I wanna take ya

This is going to be a happier post.

all i care

Here’s Alyssa’s scoliosis x-ray that I also hung on my wall to be super edgy.

lady of sorrows

Here’s a statue of the Lady of Sorrows. I still feel a real kinship with the Lady of Sorrows, but I also don’t feel like that 100% of the time, so that’s nice.

I keep rereading Eireann’s call-out to me that she posted, I’m going to copy it here so I can have some more happy things (did I just call the Lady of Sorrows happy?). I’m just going to link myself to it here so I can look at it whenever I want (https://complainingintothevoid.wordpress.com/2017/05/02/52never-you-will-never-finish-them/).

I really want to work in a restaurant. I guess it sounds a little intimidating, but that’s the point. Please. Please scare the living hell out of me. It’s all I ever want.

Looking back, I had a really destructive attitude about relationships in the past. I really wanted it to destroy me. I kind of like that I had that attitude, but I am glad that I don’t anymore.

I can kind of feel myself going crazy sometimes but I think now is not one of those times. I’ve seen some of my craziest fantasies happen. Why should that not keep happening.

O.K. we all know I cannot just talk about happy things. I mean, I can make them happy. I’ve been kind of feeling insecure about how I don’t know what I’m studying, and then yesterday I had to go to the dentist, and he had to bitch to me about that of course. He was like, “You know, if my father hadn’t pushed me to be a dentist, I don’t know what I’d be doing” and then he asked me what I want to be when I “grow up” and I said, “a lot of things,” because I want to do a lot of things, and actually I don’t care that much, but today I mimicked him to my friend Kersten and she laughed and I felt better. I think as long as I don’t do things I don’t care about, I’m gonna be fine. I’m not gonna do useless shit to make myself feel important. I think the only good thing about hating everything like I do and being cynical is at least I can distinguish what’s actually important.

Kersten took up a whole page in my yearbook, which made me really happy. I had like five minutes to sign Eireann’s, I hope she likes it enough.

I am trying to work on this stupid poem, but these lines are the only thing I can actually stand:

I am a flower you shut in a dark room.

And you’re waiting to see if I’ll die

Or if I’ll bloom.

 

I have news.

Even from in here I will be

Your doom.

~Kasia

I am a flower you shut in a dark room // and you’re waiting to see if I’ll die // or if I’ll bloom

x  I hope I never kill myself over something stupid because I almost have so many times.

Or, I don’t know, the thing itself wasn’t really stupid, but it felt like that after it was resolved by something so minuscule.

Anyway, I have this wild theory that I’m going to be okay, even though at times I wonder what is actually holding me back from becoming a school shooter.  x

Oh boy, that was dark. Lighten up motherfucker. Anyway, I feel a lot better. I was feeling a lot like I’m completely alone, but then yesterday I talked to my friend, and he said that if I want something to happen, I can make it happen and other people will probably be willing to do it, and he reminded me that I have a lot of good friends who care about me, and I felt better.

I guess I feel this general disconnect with people and sometimes when I don’t feel that good, it gets so magnified and I convince myself I am completely and utterly alone in everything, when obviously that’s kind of a naive thing to think.

Not to be self-deprecating again, but I think I’ll try to pinpoint a few things about myself I hate:

Sometimes I ignore people because I assume they don’t want to talk to me. I don’t know why I do that, but I want to stop.

If I’m upset, everything has to turn into that.

I actually have nearly no confidence in myself.

I was going to list being sentimental about people here, but I don’t think that is a bad thing, and if I pretend it is, then I will discourage other people from being sentimental, and I really really don’t want to be the only one who’s sentimental.

And that’s enough of that, but I’m glad I got it out.

I feel fine about graduating now. It’s just kind of bittersweet. But I can’t stay. I have to go.

I’m not so sad about my Sun, either. She made her choice. I still have her flowers. I have no idea what to do with them. On Monday, I was mentally pacing around for hours debating whether or not I should throw them away. I thought it would make me feel better, and then I had this theory that the reason I feel so bad is because I haven’t given people back their things. On Tuesday, I decided I was going to burn them, in the bathtub so my house wouldn’t burn down, but I don’t have time to do all the things I want to do in a day. Today, I thought I should really give them back. There were two reasons I didn’t want to: 1) Revenge, 2) She said that after that, we’re done, I didn’t want to be done. So, I guess the question is, do I want to be done? Today, we had a very indirect conversation at lunch, as in, she was signing my friend’s yearbook, and she said something to her, and my friend said something, and then I commented on that. So it doesn’t really feel like all is lost, but I feel like I’ve moved on. Letting people go isn’t as hard anymore as it was the first time around and I’ve learned not to get so invested in one person.

That’s not to say I’m not invested in her. I can’t really picture not being invested in her. I’m not going to dwell on this too much, but I don’t really feel like anything is lost forever. I think whatever space we’ve had has been good for both of us. I may yet be forgiving. I always think up these great revenge schemes and grudges I’m going to hold forever, but I never follow through with any of it.

I don’t really hate myself for this happening anymore, either, because it makes sense. There had to be some kind of line of defense or nothing would make sense.

If there’s two things I tragically keep forgetting, it’s that 1) I can make things happen that I want to happen, 2) everybody probably doesn’t have some secret ingrained grudge against me. I can’t believe I actually got this far psychologically. It’s amazing. I think my philosophy that told me to pretend there are no consequences was better for some things, some important things, I may hold onto it.

I know I have no reason to be so afraid of the summer. Everything is different. I am not who I was (thank God), nobody else is who they were (thank God), I am going to have fun (doctrine), I am not going to be fine (doctrine), I am going to be more than fine (doctrine). It kind of baffles me that I am so scared, this was all I ever wanted. I never really thought about anything else but escaping. I always told myself, escape first. Think later.

~Kasia

Error: Try Again

Some nicknames I have had: Brain Mistress, The Girl Who Married The Grimm Reaper, Ms. Guillotine, Ka-Ching, She Who Is Quick To Anger, Mental Ward Patient, God, Dirjee

Quote from Mrs. Gounis: “Look at you. You don’t have to do ANYTHING. You can just sit around and look gorgeous.”

I’m no good but I painted a lot last night and

Why am I not in a mental asylum

I was going to say this is the last summer I ever have to feel like this, but that is stupid. I’m going to do whatever I want. Fact and not fiction.

There is so much I could do compulsively right now I am sick of doing things compulsively I wish I could just enjoy them I don’t think I’ve ever really enjoyed anything

Hi. Okay. It’s the next morning. Here is my mantra. It’s not my mantra but it’s my mantra.

YOU’RE ACTUALLY FINE.

I always have this imbalance when I get things I want and then it suddenly stops. I need to remember that what I want should be the only thing driving me. I think right now the things I want are so terrifying, I have to hide from them.

I THINK I GOTTA MAKE MOONSHINE

~Kasia

 

 

Entropy of the Universe Equals Zero

I have this feeling where I keep feeling like I’m stalling my life, but there’s not really anything I can do about it.

It’s so frustrating. I thought I’d magically turn 18 or be done with high school and I’d be doing everything I want but that’s not happening and every time I hold myself back, I remind myself that I am now an adult and I am responsible if anything I do leads me off track and I fuck anything up. And I can’t really blame it on being tragically a teenager anymore. I can’t hide under the guise of my family situation. I need to grow out of this for good but that’s scary in its own way.

I know I am not alone in this and that all my friends also don’t know what the fuck is happening to them and I don’t know, I’m tired of this. I just want SOMETHING but everything ends all the time or it doesn’t really matter that much.

I know I am slowly falling. I know I have done so much to try to prevent this and I need to not give myself options right now and fucking prevent this.

Okay. Here. I’m going to get an education. I’m going to act and I’m going to make films. I’m going to write. I’m going to travel. I’m going to jump out of an airplane. I’m going to Italy. I’m going to be fine. I’m going to be on my own like I always wanted. It’s just a little more and I can’t give up on this now. I’m always afraid things won’t be everything I build them up to me, but there’s no way this could not be.

I really really really feel not good it’s kind of amazing I can’t even remember what it was like not to.

What’s the point what’s the point what’s the point what’s the point WHAT IS THE POINT WHAT IS THE POINT WHAT IS THE POINT WHAT IS THE POINT

The only way I can feel better is if I go drive by myself on the highway.

I used to be so happy BUT THAT IS A LIE I know I’m lying all I do is lie to myself

~Kasia