Aruba Jamaica oooooo I wanna take ya

This is going to be a happier post.

all i care

Here’s Alyssa’s scoliosis x-ray that I also hung on my wall to be super edgy.

lady of sorrows

Here’s a statue of the Lady of Sorrows. I still feel a real kinship with the Lady of Sorrows, but I also don’t feel like that 100% of the time, so that’s nice.

I keep rereading Eireann’s call-out to me that she posted, I’m going to copy it here so I can have some more happy things (did I just call the Lady of Sorrows happy?). I’m just going to link myself to it here so I can look at it whenever I want (

I really want to work in a restaurant. I guess it sounds a little intimidating, but that’s the point. Please. Please scare the living hell out of me. It’s all I ever want.

Looking back, I had a really destructive attitude about relationships in the past. I really wanted it to destroy me. I kind of like that I had that attitude, but I am glad that I don’t anymore.

I can kind of feel myself going crazy sometimes but I think now is not one of those times. I’ve seen some of my craziest fantasies happen. Why should that not keep happening.

O.K. we all know I cannot just talk about happy things. I mean, I can make them happy. I’ve been kind of feeling insecure about how I don’t know what I’m studying, and then yesterday I had to go to the dentist, and he had to bitch to me about that of course. He was like, “You know, if my father hadn’t pushed me to be a dentist, I don’t know what I’d be doing” and then he asked me what I want to be when I “grow up” and I said, “a lot of things,” because I want to do a lot of things, and actually I don’t care that much, but today I mimicked him to my friend Kersten and she laughed and I felt better. I think as long as I don’t do things I don’t care about, I’m gonna be fine. I’m not gonna do useless shit to make myself feel important. I think the only good thing about hating everything like I do and being cynical is at least I can distinguish what’s actually important.

Kersten took up a whole page in my yearbook, which made me really happy. I had like five minutes to sign Eireann’s, I hope she likes it enough.

I am trying to work on this stupid poem, but these lines are the only thing I can actually stand:

I am a flower you shut in a dark room.

And you’re waiting to see if I’ll die

Or if I’ll bloom.


I have news.

Even from in here I will be

Your doom.


I am a flower you shut in a dark room // and you’re waiting to see if I’ll die // or if I’ll bloom

x  I hope I never kill myself over something stupid because I almost have so many times.

Or, I don’t know, the thing itself wasn’t really stupid, but it felt like that after it was resolved by something so minuscule.

Anyway, I have this wild theory that I’m going to be okay, even though at times I wonder what is actually holding me back from becoming a school shooter.  x

Oh boy, that was dark. Lighten up motherfucker. Anyway, I feel a lot better. I was feeling a lot like I’m completely alone, but then yesterday I talked to my friend, and he said that if I want something to happen, I can make it happen and other people will probably be willing to do it, and he reminded me that I have a lot of good friends who care about me, and I felt better.

I guess I feel this general disconnect with people and sometimes when I don’t feel that good, it gets so magnified and I convince myself I am completely and utterly alone in everything, when obviously that’s kind of a naive thing to think.

Not to be self-deprecating again, but I think I’ll try to pinpoint a few things about myself I hate:

Sometimes I ignore people because I assume they don’t want to talk to me. I don’t know why I do that, but I want to stop.

If I’m upset, everything has to turn into that.

I actually have nearly no confidence in myself.

I was going to list being sentimental about people here, but I don’t think that is a bad thing, and if I pretend it is, then I will discourage other people from being sentimental, and I really really don’t want to be the only one who’s sentimental.

And that’s enough of that, but I’m glad I got it out.

I feel fine about graduating now. It’s just kind of bittersweet. But I can’t stay. I have to go.

I’m not so sad about my Sun, either. She made her choice. I still have her flowers. I have no idea what to do with them. On Monday, I was mentally pacing around for hours debating whether or not I should throw them away. I thought it would make me feel better, and then I had this theory that the reason I feel so bad is because I haven’t given people back their things. On Tuesday, I decided I was going to burn them, in the bathtub so my house wouldn’t burn down, but I don’t have time to do all the things I want to do in a day. Today, I thought I should really give them back. There were two reasons I didn’t want to: 1) Revenge, 2) She said that after that, we’re done, I didn’t want to be done. So, I guess the question is, do I want to be done? Today, we had a very indirect conversation at lunch, as in, she was signing my friend’s yearbook, and she said something to her, and my friend said something, and then I commented on that. So it doesn’t really feel like all is lost, but I feel like I’ve moved on. Letting people go isn’t as hard anymore as it was the first time around and I’ve learned not to get so invested in one person.

That’s not to say I’m not invested in her. I can’t really picture not being invested in her. I’m not going to dwell on this too much, but I don’t really feel like anything is lost forever. I think whatever space we’ve had has been good for both of us. I may yet be forgiving. I always think up these great revenge schemes and grudges I’m going to hold forever, but I never follow through with any of it.

I don’t really hate myself for this happening anymore, either, because it makes sense. There had to be some kind of line of defense or nothing would make sense.

If there’s two things I tragically keep forgetting, it’s that 1) I can make things happen that I want to happen, 2) everybody probably doesn’t have some secret ingrained grudge against me. I can’t believe I actually got this far psychologically. It’s amazing. I think my philosophy that told me to pretend there are no consequences was better for some things, some important things, I may hold onto it.

I know I have no reason to be so afraid of the summer. Everything is different. I am not who I was (thank God), nobody else is who they were (thank God), I am going to have fun (doctrine), I am not going to be fine (doctrine), I am going to be more than fine (doctrine). It kind of baffles me that I am so scared, this was all I ever wanted. I never really thought about anything else but escaping. I always told myself, escape first. Think later.


Error: Try Again

Some nicknames I have had: Brain Mistress, The Girl Who Married The Grimm Reaper, Ms. Guillotine, Ka-Ching, She Who Is Quick To Anger, Mental Ward Patient, God, Dirjee

Quote from Mrs. Gounis: “Look at you. You don’t have to do ANYTHING. You can just sit around and look gorgeous.”

I’m no good but I painted a lot last night and

Why am I not in a mental asylum

I was going to say this is the last summer I ever have to feel like this, but that is stupid. I’m going to do whatever I want. Fact and not fiction.

There is so much I could do compulsively right now I am sick of doing things compulsively I wish I could just enjoy them I don’t think I’ve ever really enjoyed anything

Hi. Okay. It’s the next morning. Here is my mantra. It’s not my mantra but it’s my mantra.


I always have this imbalance when I get things I want and then it suddenly stops. I need to remember that what I want should be the only thing driving me. I think right now the things I want are so terrifying, I have to hide from them.





Entropy of the Universe Equals Zero

I have this feeling where I keep feeling like I’m stalling my life, but there’s not really anything I can do about it.

It’s so frustrating. I thought I’d magically turn 18 or be done with high school and I’d be doing everything I want but that’s not happening and every time I hold myself back, I remind myself that I am now an adult and I am responsible if anything I do leads me off track and I fuck anything up. And I can’t really blame it on being tragically a teenager anymore. I can’t hide under the guise of my family situation. I need to grow out of this for good but that’s scary in its own way.

I know I am not alone in this and that all my friends also don’t know what the fuck is happening to them and I don’t know, I’m tired of this. I just want SOMETHING but everything ends all the time or it doesn’t really matter that much.

I know I am slowly falling. I know I have done so much to try to prevent this and I need to not give myself options right now and fucking prevent this.

Okay. Here. I’m going to get an education. I’m going to act and I’m going to make films. I’m going to write. I’m going to travel. I’m going to jump out of an airplane. I’m going to Italy. I’m going to be fine. I’m going to be on my own like I always wanted. It’s just a little more and I can’t give up on this now. I’m always afraid things won’t be everything I build them up to me, but there’s no way this could not be.

I really really really feel not good it’s kind of amazing I can’t even remember what it was like not to.

What’s the point what’s the point what’s the point what’s the point WHAT IS THE POINT WHAT IS THE POINT WHAT IS THE POINT WHAT IS THE POINT

The only way I can feel better is if I go drive by myself on the highway.

I used to be so happy BUT THAT IS A LIE I know I’m lying all I do is lie to myself


The Storylines Are All Converging

I’ve been thinking a lot about this scenario. I am in the city. It is really dark. I am sitting on the edge of a pier by the water. I am really high up. I could practically be in the cosmos and nothing anyone has ever said to me matters.

Here’s the thing. I don’t ever have to come back down. I can stay high above everyone and barely hear a word anyone says to me. I think this is why I’m so frustrated right now. I can’t find my higher ground.


You really should stop talking

I feel really out of touch. I don’t know where reality and fantasy converge. I want to make myself unrecognizable. I want to see how far I can push myself while retaining the same chemical composition.

I’m trying to rearrange my priorities. I know it’ll all be fine and someday I will make a movie and invite all my friends to be in it and I think I’ll have a graduation party where I have a bonfire and ask everyone to bring stuff they want to burn and forget about forever and I think I’ve been doing fine with being clear about my intentions, at least. Not like with Scott my sophomore year. Not like with a lot of things. But I have to get better at forgiving myself for not knowing certain things before I learned them.

But here are some things I do know: 1) As long as I keep moving, I’ll be alright, 2) I know I shouldn’t waste my time, 3) I know what I am trying to do here, 4) I know I need to be suspended, 5) I know I need a lot of attention or I’ll wither, 6) I know I shouldn’t trust the devil when he’s calm, 7) I know I should be playing dirty with people who have done me wrong, 8) I know I shouldn’t feel guilty about being opportunistic because there’s obviously no such thing as karma, 9) I kind of feel this dread descending upon me now, but it doesn’t matter, 10) Nothing really does, 11) I think I am kind of sad about everyone going their separate ways, 12) Why am I not sad about all the ways I’ve been split into different versions of myself time and time again?, 13) Because it’s not something I am capable of missing.

I feel like things are ending instead of beginning, I don’t think that’s a real great thing to live with.

I want to have dreams. I want to remember them. I don’t want to forget them when I wake up.

Everything is just so

I want to bury everything. Everything. I want to forget the horrible things I’m built from. I want to forget the source and live out the tide. I feel like I have turned the tide. Why won’t you let me. Why can’t we speed this thing up.

I am so good at losing it



8:54 PM I think I finally know what it feels like to survive.

8:54 PM I’ve been sad.

8:54 PM I now know that there is no way to avoid this and I just have to keep moving.

8:55 PM That’s okay.

8:55 PM I think heartbreak is just the nature of everything.

8:55 PM But it’s not so bad.

8:56 PM It hurts.

8:56 PM I like it.

8:57 PM I also overreact.

8:57 PM It’s never very subtle.

8:57 PM I feel so calm. I’m not gonna drink when I’m upset anymore.

8:58 PM I won’t let anyone take my dreams from me.

8:58 PM I accept that everything that’s ever happened to me is only the universe trying to help me realize my destiny. I think I made up my destiny when I made that deal when I was about eight years old with either God or the devil. I don’t really believe in God or the devil, so maybe that was just the guise. Maybe there’s been a transfer of fate. Maybe I’ve really made the deal with myself.

9:00 PM I guess I kind of believe in the idea of an afterlife. I’m not sure how.

9:00 PM That kind of energy can’t just die.

9:01 PM If I just have faith that things will keep changing, and I do have faith, then I don’t have to worry about anything.

9:02 PM I guess someday the world will try to suffocate me and drown me in monotony. I won’t let it happen.

9:02 PM I don’t have to let it.

9:03 PM I guess this is the story I care most about. I can’t write fiction because I’m a narcissist.

9:04 PM I don’t want to anyway.

9:04 PM I think I have an addiction.

9:04 PM I mean there’s a difference between craving something and suffocating in it.

9:04 PM This feels like craving.

9:05 PM But other things are suffocating me.

9:05 PM I’m not responsible for how my desires shift. I’m not. But when they do. I have to listen.

9:07 PM I feel better when I do things of my own free will.

9:08 PM I’m a little worried I’ll never feel so crystal clear again but I know that’s not true.

9:08 PM And that I don’t really.

9:09 PM The deal? I hope it was a fair trade.

9:09 PM I am trying to figure out who I really made it with.

9:09 PM I think I was just trying to give myself a reason to survive.

9:10 PM It’s working. I won’t rest until I achieve my destiny.

9:10 PM It’ll never be done.


Out of Sight

Why do I keep feeling the need to keep up this charade? It doesn’t mean a thing. Everything is shifting. Goodbye. I can be so naive.

The problem is. The problem is. The problem is.


The problem is. That. I. Am. Never. Paying. Enough. Attention. The. Problem. Is. That. I. Don’t. Think. I’ll. Ever. Get. To. The. Bottom. Of. This.

I am going to make all these choices. I am not going to understand them.












Why the court, trapped in a silver storm, is dying.

(Why, the court, trapped in a silver storm, is dying!)



It’s Complicated

I feel so nostalgic for November. And being miserable. I didn’t know how good it was. I’m not comfortable being happy. “Happy.” I’m not HAPPY, per se, but this is as good as it ever gets.

So many ironic things have been happening. I’ve been trying really hard to find a job, so I emailed the Natural Market asking if they could please be hiring, and they asked me for a resume, so I emailed one to them, and then I got an email back that started like “very very nice thank you.” So I thought to myself, YES I’M GETTING A JOB, and then the next line was this:

“You should join a theater company or group and keep learning your trade. Start following your passions while you are young.”
Look at me. Can’t escape my destiny. This is getting ridiculous.
I’m guessing they’re not hiring. 🙂
God how am I going to get money for my escape plan.

Panic, static, manic, ecstatic.

It just hit me that I can’t, I can’t dye my hair, I can’t make any major life decisions until things are right with her again and I don’t know when that’s gonna be.

I miss her, but I feel crystal clear. I think I might go to desperate lengths in the future for this kind of clarity. All I have to do is sabotage something good and suddenly it’s like all the opaqueness has shot out of my eyes.

Maybe maybe I like being in pain.

I obviously love being in pain.


I’m really excited about my escape plan. I might feel a little guilty about it if I did it, but I’m sure I could pay off my debt.

I’ve been talking to my other friends more, and I guess it’s hitting me how fucking higher on the list my drama friends are, but I’ve kind of been avoiding everyone. You know, out of consideration. And because I’m sad. And when I am really sad. I can’t fucking say anything. Which is a stupid ridiculous paradox. And also. I have been wearing her jewelry every goddamn single day, because I can’t stand this and it’s killing me but I’m not dead.

I find it funny how there are so many different versions of me documenting my life, I don’t think any of them would add up to each other.

I don’t even want to say this, but today we were in the same hallway like twice, and both times she veered really quickly to the other side AND IT MADE ME CRY god why am I so sensitive.

If this is hurting me so much, I can’t even imagine what I did to her. I fucking hate this. I don’t like it when people avoid me. I like it when they scream at me until we fucking work it out.


I am starting to think there is nothing so painful as juxtaposition.


I kind of want to take the ocean and just drink it yeah I don’t understand a single thing either just please let me drink the ocean I’m so thirsty.


I’m going to talk about one of my greatest fears. I am so afraid I am not gonna make it. I feel like everything breaks me.