In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since.
“Whenever you feel like criticizing any one,” he told me, “just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.”
I always feel like it’s the other way around for me. Whenever I feel like criticizing myself,
I just try to remember that I haven’t had all the advantages other people have had.
i’m not on the radio tonight.
i’m not on the radio tonight, because jack emailed me and said that he and lyssa are “hosting high schoolers this week” and that “they’re going to be on the show” and “if i don’t want to be stuck with three random high schoolers” i don’t have to come, and because i’m me, that sounds like “kasia, if you come tonight, i swear to god i’m gonna slit your throat and spit on your grave and, plot twist, it’s special fertilizing spit that makes carnivorous plants grow out of your grave and they’re gonna grow big and eat your bones” so i’m not there.
i was almost there. i was basically there. i did that thing where i go there and then i turn around and go home instead. except this time i didn’t even go into the building.
i feel dumb because i love the radio and i want to be there. i can’t even complain about it. i live for it. friday nights midnight to 2 AM. and then i can’t sleep till 5 AM cause i was walking around at 2 AM. i don’t feel like going to bed right now and i really don’t feel like being alone either even though i thought i was having a good time being alone and not needing anybody ever and i don’t know why i did this to myself when i didn’t even have to and i was practically there.
i also feel dumb because i’m rereading his email and it doesn’t sound ominous in any way and he ended it with “your call!”
your call, kasia.
i’ve been dreaming about you
and it’s as close as i can come to you.
Maybe my only purpose in life is to
Make sure you don’t
Worry about me
It’s much easier—– being alone—– when I’ve been at it—– for a while—— better keep it up——- if I want to survive—— because having breaks—– doesn’t help—– and I need help——
I hope you take me—– so I can take you—— and if I take you—– then you won’t take me—— because you’ll have me——
Just give me—– everything—— I swear—– you won’t believe me——- I’ll give you much more than—– everything—– even though you are—— everything—— everything——- everything—— everything——- let me be the——- river of the world————-
I have given you—– everything I have—— give me everything—– so I can give you—– the rest of it——
I still want it——- I still want you—— I can’t lie——- Listening to that song is enough to affirm it——- and so lovely, it could be reason enough—– altogether—–
Listen, I’ve been strung out about this but—– when I listen to it—— nothing else in the world to me matters—— everybody I’ve ever known, everything I’ve ever lived through—– don’t tell me that’s not very nice—– it’s the nicest thing—–
And so I did it—— I still want it—— I treated it as casually as if I were checking the mail—– or as if I were taking something out of the oven—— or closing a door—- let the act fly away, like it was done—- isn’t it——–
It could come to nothing—— if it does—– nobody needs to ever know about it—— I’ll spare their feelings—– but if it comes to nothing—— I know I won’t spare mine—–
I feel ridiculous—– stupid—— hopeful——- that last part is—— less stupid—— so I’ll wait—– again—— for you——- and if you——– disappoint me—— I might be happy——- or I might be sad——- but if I never try——- I’ll never know——– and if I know—— and I fail—– I might become——- hopeful and—— stupid—— again.
There’s no guarantee this will make anything better—— but when I listen to that song—— nothing matters——
I feel like I made a mistake, deep, deep last year, and I’m still playing it out.
I’m scared I don’t have the nerve to fix it. I’m terrified that I’ve failed you. How can I make it better. I don’t know what to do. I can’t look you in the eyes.
kristen kristen kristen,
i take notes when we talk. i love talking to you on the phone for hours. i lie down and i just talk and say anything on my mind and i don’t notice it’s been 4 hours until you tell me. thought you ought to know so let me publicly shame you. whatever we have feels so real.