It’s (not really that) late and I feel so isolated. I graduated two nights ago. I’ve been so in sync lately and I can’t stand this, not for extended periods of time. I’ll break like worse than glass. Not sure what that could be. Guess we’ll find out eventually.
He keeps (…) on his stupid whims, like what, as a power move? And it works. I feel so out of control. I do and he reminds me of that all the time, how out of control I really am, but that’s not really what I’m afraid of.
I am not afraid of the dark. I am afraid of the light.
All this repression here has stunted me. The imprisonment and the abuse. I am so terrified, so terrified of my own light. I’ve been seeing it more and more, but there is so much that has been repressed; the person I always thought I would be when I was little is coming through, but there are so many inhibitions and so many ways they taunt me back into my cage, where everything is awful and familiar.
I feel like I’m being pulled by a thread. Day in, day out. You know just which one to pull and the whole tower falls down.
It’s like the opposite of Jenga. A real clever game.
Our relationship is both nuclear and constant. Everything is so gray. Everything I feel so intensely at night fades by day.
The authorities have got me again.
Eireann, I wish I could be as brave as you. Or, I wish that sometimes, and then I realize it’s not cowardice that’s keeping me here, but loyalty. I can’t stop being loyal to people even if they don’t deserve it.
But I’m sure cowardice is a factor. Sometimes when you’ve been told ‘no’ enough times, you’re just forced into a corner and you don’t try to back out of it again. Learned helplessness. The answer is always ‘no.’ You were too young and too small and too weak to fight the hand pushing you back there every time, once, when you still tried, when you first learned, maybe you could fight it now, but you’ll never know, because the older version of you is older, and stronger, and bigger, but you feel the same and this never stops.
We haven’t been so alone in so long. I know it’s just the stress talking when you talk, but I am a human being, and not a mirror.
I am at least happy I’ll get to be with my brother. At least we’ll be together. I remember, in September, how cast off I felt from the whole world and he was the only redeemable person to me.
On second thought, I do wish Colin and I could have had a proper goodbye. I feel like it’s one of those things that could be good if I didn’t keep avoiding it.
Eireann, you told me you feel like a stagnant pond. Do you want to know how I feel? I feel like an ancient race held for centuries in chains. I feel like I’ve been in a concentration camp. I feel like I have all this inside me, wanting, hungering to be free, mentally, but if I were to be released, I would not physically have it in me, I’ve been starving for too long, my family has been disenfranchised for generations, I cannot release what’s inside of me, because my body is too burned and shriveled to run, if I were to be a free woman tomorrow, I would not know where to go, my legs could not carry me, and it’s not because I’m afraid anymore, I am not afraid of having power, I want it, I want it so badly, but if I had it, I would not know how to wield it. If I were a free woman tomorrow, Eireann, the oppressors would still tell me I can’t go to their schools or drink at their bars or play with their kids.
I’ve stayed in my cage too long.
Eireann, you are so gray and I admire you and I don’t feel that way about practically anybody.
I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t say no to her, because that was the plot, and I don’t fuck with the plot. So why did I? why am I fucking with it now? That’s a good question. The answer is, this is the plot now, and I don’t fuck with the plot.
Sometimes I feel invincible. Sometimes, I feel so fragile.
Sun: I hate that when you suffer, you think you don’t deserve it. When I suffer, it’s everything.
You are constantly in my head. An idea I can’t let go of. It’s weird having almost everything be lit up and have one area in my head just stay dark. But that is true, you were the first chance I saw to light it up, so I went for it, and you did this strange unearthly thing where you RECIPROCATED and now look at where we are.
You let me put my hand over your mouth and I love it.
There are so many ways this story could go. I just can’t think of the discovery that should come from it in a way that makes sense to me. (…) I think it needs to be ambiguous to the end. That doesn’t mean I can’t make it powerful if it’s gray.
There is so much I keep hidden from myself. When I do recall those things, I am in no state to make them permanent and bring them to light.