I am a flower you shut in a dark room // and you’re waiting to see if I’ll die // or if I’ll bloom

x  I hope I never kill myself over something stupid because I almost have so many times.

Or, I don’t know, the thing itself wasn’t really stupid, but it felt like that after it was resolved by something so minuscule.

Anyway, I have this wild theory that I’m going to be okay, even though at times I wonder what is actually holding me back from becoming a school shooter.  x

Oh boy, that was dark. Lighten up motherfucker. Anyway, I feel a lot better. I was feeling a lot like I’m completely alone, but then yesterday I talked to my friend, and he said that if I want something to happen, I can make it happen and other people will probably be willing to do it, and he reminded me that I have a lot of good friends who care about me, and I felt better.

I guess I feel this general disconnect with people and sometimes when I don’t feel that good, it gets so magnified and I convince myself I am completely and utterly alone in everything, when obviously that’s kind of a naive thing to think.

Not to be self-deprecating again, but I think I’ll try to pinpoint a few things about myself I hate:

Sometimes I ignore people because I assume they don’t want to talk to me. I don’t know why I do that, but I want to stop.

If I’m upset, everything has to turn into that.

I actually have nearly no confidence in myself.

I was going to list being sentimental about people here, but I don’t think that is a bad thing, and if I pretend it is, then I will discourage other people from being sentimental, and I really really don’t want to be the only one who’s sentimental.

And that’s enough of that, but I’m glad I got it out.

I feel fine about graduating now. It’s just kind of bittersweet. But I can’t stay. I have to go.

I’m not so sad about my Sun, either. She made her choice. I still have her flowers. I have no idea what to do with them. On Monday, I was mentally pacing around for hours debating whether or not I should throw them away. I thought it would make me feel better, and then I had this theory that the reason I feel so bad is because I haven’t given people back their things. On Tuesday, I decided I was going to burn them, in the bathtub so my house wouldn’t burn down, but I don’t have time to do all the things I want to do in a day. Today, I thought I should really give them back. There were two reasons I didn’t want to: 1) Revenge, 2) She said that after that, we’re done; I didn’t want to be done. So, I guess the question is, do I want to be done? Today, we had a very indirect conversation at lunch, as in, she was signing my friend’s yearbook, and she said something to her, and my friend said something, and then I commented on that. So it doesn’t really feel like all is lost, but I feel like I’ve moved on. Letting people go isn’t as hard anymore as it was the first time around and I’ve learned not to get so invested in one person.

That’s not to say I’m not invested in her. I can’t really picture not being invested in her. I’m not going to dwell on this too much, but I don’t really feel like anything is lost forever. I think whatever space we’ve had has been good for both of us. I may yet be forgiving. I always think up these great revenge schemes and grudges I’m going to hold forever, but I never follow through with any of it.

I don’t really hate myself for this happening anymore, either, because it makes sense. There had to be some kind of line of defense or nothing would make sense.

If there’s two things I tragically keep forgetting, it’s that 1) I can make things happen that I want to happen, 2) everybody probably doesn’t have some secret ingrained grudge against me. I can’t believe I actually got this far psychologically. It’s amazing. I think my philosophy that told me to pretend there are no consequences was better for some things, some important things, I may hold onto it.

I know I have no reason to be so afraid of the summer. Everything is different. I am not who I was (thank God), nobody else is who they were (thank God), I am going to have fun (doctrine), I am not going to be fine (doctrine), I am going to be more than fine (doctrine). It kind of baffles me that I am so scared, this was all I ever wanted. I never really thought about anything else but escaping. I always told myself, escape first. Think later.

~Kasia

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