I have this feeling where I keep feeling like I’m stalling my life, but there’s not really anything I can do about it.
It’s so frustrating. I thought I’d magically turn 18 or be done with high school and I’d be doing everything I want but that’s not happening and every time I hold myself back, I remind myself that I am now an adult and I am responsible if anything I do leads me off track and I fuck anything up. And I can’t really blame it on being tragically a teenager anymore. I can’t hide under the guise of my family situation. I need to grow out of this for good but that’s scary in its own way.
I know I am not alone in this and that all my friends also don’t know what the fuck is happening to them and I don’t know, I’m tired of this. I just want SOMETHING but everything ends all the time or it doesn’t really matter that much.
I know I am slowly falling. I know I have done so much to try to prevent this and I need to not give myself options right now and fucking prevent this.
Okay. Here. I’m going to get an education. I’m going to act and I’m going to make films. I’m going to write. I’m going to travel. I’m going to jump out of an airplane. I’m going to Italy. I’m going to be fine. I’m going to be on my own like I always wanted. It’s just a little more and I can’t give up on this now. I’m always afraid things won’t be everything I build them up to be, but there’s no way this could not be.
I really really really feel not good, it’s kind of amazing, I can’t even remember what it was like not to.
What’s the point what’s the point what’s the point what’s the point WHAT IS THE POINT WHAT IS THE POINT WHAT IS THE POINT WHAT IS THE POINT
The only way I can feel better is if I go drive by myself on the highway.
I used to be so happy BUT THAT IS A LIE I know I’m lying and I know all I do is lie to myself.