Panic, static, manic, ecstatic.

It just hit me that I can’t, I can’t dye my hair, I can’t make any major life decisions until things are right with her again and I don’t know when that’s gonna be.

I miss her, but I feel crystal clear. I think I might go to desperate lengths in the future for this kind of clarity. All I have to do is sabotage something good and suddenly it’s like all the opaqueness has shot out of my eyes.

Maybe maybe I like being in pain.

I obviously love being in pain.

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I’m really excited about my escape plan. I might feel a little guilty about it if I did it, but I’m sure I could pay off my debt.

I’ve been talking to my other friends more, and I guess it’s hitting me how fucking higher on the list my drama friends are, but I’ve kind of been avoiding everyone. You know, out of consideration. And because I’m sad. And when I am really sad. I can’t fucking say anything. Which is a stupid ridiculous paradox. And also. I have been wearing her jewelry every goddamn single day, because I can’t stand this and it’s killing me but I’m not dead.

I find it funny how there are so many different versions of me documenting my life, I don’t think any of them would add up to each other.

I don’t even want to say this, but today we were in the same hallway like twice, and both times she veered really quickly to the other side AND IT MADE ME CRY god why am I so sensitive.

If this is hurting me so much, I can’t even imagine what I did to her. I fucking hate this. I don’t like it when people avoid me. I like it when they scream at me until we fucking work it out.

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I am starting to think there is nothing so painful as juxtaposition.

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I kind of want to take the ocean and just drink it yeah I don’t understand a single thing either just please let me drink the ocean I’m so thirsty.

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I’m going to talk about one of my greatest fears. I am so afraid I am not gonna make it. I feel like everything breaks me.

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Everything.

 

~Kasia