Okay, I take it back. I keep second guessing myself. I am taking the long way to get what I want, and I hate waiting. It makes me forget why I wanted it, but when I lose my intention along the way, I just have to remember why I got myself into this situation in the first place. And I think I remember.
I just got into this really heated argument with my brother about college. Okay, a little background. My brother has turned into the most cynical person, which I secretly love, but it’s been getting kind of ridiculous. We had this whole discussion that started because my dad was comparing the tuition for the two schools I got into over dinner and then my brother started saying how college is a waste of money unless you’re studying S.T.E.M., so then I started shouting about how I’d rather get an education than spend that money on anything else and how the world isn’t as passionless as he’s making it sound and my mom just gazed at me while I yelled with this LOOK in her eye, and I don’t know, for the first time in a while, I actually feel pretty fucking convinced of something. Anyway, I think I finally know how I feel about going to school.
I guess my dad is right about how we’re on two polar opposites of the spectrum, like he only thinks in practical terms and I only think in terms of passion, but I’m keeping up my end. It makes me sad how he thinks he needs to structure his whole life around the economy. Not only because it’s so meaningless, but because it’s so susceptible to being shaken up at any given motherfucking moment. So I am not worried. I think I’ll just run with what I have.
I think I’m committing to BU tonight. We’re going to make the deposit. I kind of already knew where this was headed, but I hate committing to things anyway. Just yesterday while I was in the car for a few hours, I was rethinking how maybe I should do something drastic like go to Warsaw after all. I really just hate feeling trapped. I know that would be stupid and I would be throwing away a lot of things and effectively trapping myself in in a different way.
I’ve realized how unmotivated I’ve been the last couple of weeks, but while I was in the car today, I had this revelation. I don’t want to tell anyone about it, I want it to be my secret, but to put this in the vaguest terms, I might not come back from Europe this summer.
I don’t know for sure where this is going, but I know I will take desperate measures to make sure I’m not locked in, and I think I’ve found a way. I don’t have the means yet, but it’s a possibility. I’m okay now. I’m okay. I can walk around with this idea lighting up my brain. I don’t care if nothing comes of it. I have my thread. I could be gone before there are any consequences. I’m a genius.