Excuses to fall off the face of the earth:

  • I have this really bad prolonged cold that’s been going on for the past two weeks and I’m in a constant state of fever.
  • My mom has cancer and I’m at the hospital with her every day.
  • I’m really busy with my Other School.
  • I’m going to Italy for two months.
  • I faked my own death.
  • I was committed to the mental hospital for good children who didn’t get all straight A’s.
  • I can’t get out of bed.
  • I’m busy writing my novel and I can’t talk to you right now.
  • I have rehearsal tonight and the night after that and the night after that.
  • My mom said we can’t be friends anymore.
  • Yeah, you’re just a bad influence or something. She really said that.
  • I feel really empty all the time (all the time) and I can’t talk to you right now. Or tomorrow.
  • God I’ve been so busy, how have you been?
  • Yeah, I had like seven exams this week. Amazing, right?
  • I got abducted by aliens yeah I think something’ s wrong with me.
  • My aunt got abducted by aliens, I’m kind of worried about her. Yeah, she’s overseas, no, I can’t stop thinking about her.
  • I actually work eight hours a day.
  • I’ve been reading Freud’s Interpretation of Dreams.
  • I’m really scared of how this could end so I’ll just make this really easy for you. Here, I’ll stop having things to say to you. So easy. Magic. I’ll stop being entertaining. Like an off switch. Then you’ll say we don’t connect so well anymore.
  • I’ll be hurt, but I’ll know in my heart I did this.
  • And I’ll be sad about it, but I know I made you do it. I’ve always been more of a concept person. Now you can go back to being a flat carbon copy of a person who exists only in the realm I allow them to exist in and I can go back to observing everything and participating in nothing and feeling abandoned by the world even though I am the one who abandoned it first.
  • Why is everything I write addressed in the second person?
  • I would really rather not drag this out.
  • Believe me, I’ve seen how the world ends. It always starts in my head.
  • I had to shower four times today because I’ve been feeling really OCD.
  • OCD’s not a feeling, dumbass.
  • Are you really going to tell me what I am supposed to be feeling? Now that’s just REALLY SOMETHING.
  • I’m grounded for life, my parents found out I stole like six bottles of wine.
  • Actually, I am the one who told them just to punish myself.
  • Six? God maybe I do need help.
  • No one’ s going to help me, I can’t take anything seriously.
  • My therapist doesn’t approve of you and neither does the little angel on my shoulder.
  • Wait. Wait. Wait. If there’s an angel on my shoulder, why is everything so FUCKING MESSED UP?
  • Angels and devils look the same, I can’t really tell.
  • If I can’t live my life on my own terms, I don’t want to live it period.
  • It’s the one-year-anniversary of the day I tried to kill myself. Actually, and there’s another one tomorrow. And next Thursday.
  • I’m being held hostage. No, I’m not kidding.
  • I’m grounded for being a failure.
  • I’m sick of you asking me how my day went and what I did honestly just let me not be a person in peace.
  • My mom threw away my dead flowers so now I have to spend the rest of the day crying about it.
  • I can’t get up.
  • I broke my arm because a wave knocked me down at the beach.
  • Yeah, who would fucking believe that story?
  • God, my mom was right about you.
  • I can’t drive.
  • Every time I drive, I get a speeding ticket.
  • Every time my friend drives me, his car breaks down.
  • I’m running out of money.
  • I’m running out of lipstick.
  • I haven’t done my laundry.
  • I’m running out of contacts I’m running out of shampoo I’m running out of soap I don’t have any food in my house cause no one’s been to the grocery store
  • I’m running away.
  • Is it too late for me to run away from home?
  • My mom gets anxious when I’m out of the house.
  • So does my cat.
  • I don’t have a cat.
  • The show must go on!
  • I let you read too much of my poetry now I want all my secrets back I know I’m not very subtle.
  • “I need to learn to speak Spanish, I gotta go to Uruguay and figure it out.”
  • You know too much.
  • I don’t like it when people have too much information on me.
  • I know you could blackmail me, but I can make you so indifferent towards me that you won’t have to.
  • I am too pure for you or for anyone.
  • I’m in a bad mood, I’ll say something stupid.
  • I want to listen to music and space out for five hours alone in my room.
  • No I’m not depressed.
  • Yes I’m depressed.
  • It doesn’t get better.
  • I’m sick of people telling me that.
  • I don’t think I was made to live in a society.
  • I’m leaving// I need to cross the desert// I need to do something exciting.
  • Deserts. Are. Real. Exciting.
  • I’m sure I’m just over-romanticizing it.
  • You don’t want to see me angry.
  • I don’t feel like I connect that well with people.
  • I have an affinity for hurting myself to hurt other people and hurting other people to hurt myself.
  • I will remember everything you did to me.
  • I will remember everything you said to me.
  • I wasn’t kidding about the affinity for gore.
  • I look up into people’s faces when I walk up the stairs.
  • I don’t feel right.
  • I’ve been avoiding you.
  • I’m sick of entertaining you.
  • I’m only happy when I’m on the run.
  • I am going to break your heart.
  • I’ve been lying to you. I’m lying to you right now.



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