Deceiving other people and deceiving myself xxxxxxx

I think the assumption is that everyone lies, so I don’t know why my parents are so surprised when I tell them I lie for my own gain all the time and I don’t feel bad about it. Directly,  indirectly. I lie for a lot of reasons. I lie when I want people to leave me alone. For example, I’ll lie to my parents, so they stop pestering me. Yes, I was definitely just studying, yes, I read my chemistry textbook every day (what chemistry textbook?), yes I have a textbook for that class yes I still have homework to do so leaving my presence for the time being is probably for the best and yes of course that’s what I’m doing every hour of every day yes yes yes yes YES. No, you can’t come in here. Yes I’m getting dressed. Yes, I’m still getting dressed. Yes of course I’ve already eaten. Yes of course I slept well. Yes and yes and yes and yes. No I didn’t get that test back yet. Yes, of course I’ll call you when I’m on my way home. Yes of course we’re just friends. Yes. I feel so much better. Thank you for your concern.

I’ll do it so I don’t have to talk to people. No, I’m sorry, I can’t stay, I can’t go, I can’t do that, I have somewhere to be right now, gotta run. Fast. Yeah, I’ve been really busy. True facts. I’ll see you later. Yes of course I care. Keep telling me about your life. Please. Of course I’m listening. I’m sorry if I seem distracted. I promise I’m listening. Do I seem out of it? It’s just that I can’t sleep. Oh, you know, the usual. Don’t make me into a martyr.

Yes I am deflecting. No I won’t tell you what I did yesterday. No I don’t want you to know. Yes I kind of want to forget about that part of my life for the meantime. Yes I’m doing well. Yes I’m doing terrible. Thanks. No, I don’t want to talk about it. Yeah, I’m having fun right now. I really am. I promise. No, I don’t mind. Of course I don’t mind. No, I didn’t see you, I’m sorry. I really didn’t see you. I had no idea you just walked right by me. Or I totally would’ve talked to you! No, I’m not hungry. No, I’m not thirsty. I’m not even tired, I swear. I have all night. I don’t want to be an inconvenience. Yeah, I’m okay waiting like two hours for you to get here. I really don’t want to be an inconvenience.

No I don’t care about your opinion at all. So no I’m not hurt by what you said because you have nothing important to say anyway. It doesn’t break my heart when he does that to you on your birthday. Everything is fine. Yes, of course I forgive you. No, the only reason I’m talking to you again isn’t because I want money or a favor or permission to see my friends or to be driven someplace like to my job interview so I can get a job and stop asking you to give me money and drive me places. Yes of course I love you, you’re my family. Yes of course I like you as a human being. No I don’t still resent you for the past fifteen years. God no. Of course not. Jesus taught us to forgive each other. I must have forgiven you by now. No, the reason I don’t talk to you in the car isn’t because I still haven’t forgiven you. That isn’t it at all.

“I find vaping stupid, like just smoke for God’s sake.” ~Mrs. Gounis

But I don’t do it that much. I think it’s a weakness. I slip up a lot. I’ve gotten lazy. No, I don’t really believe in God, but cool concept. No, I don’t pray every night or ever really. Can you believe it? Shocked me too. I really don’t feel like messing with my destiny. I think if something is supposed to happen. I don’t have to pray for it. I don’t want your help.

I let myself go more than I would like. Everybody lies, I guess, but not because it’s human nature to want to be separate from everyone. It’s a defense. I use it as a defense. To fake my intentions. To lead people away from what I’m really doing. It’s kind of naive. The truth will come out. Of your own free will.

I spend so much time lying to my parents when I just want to be understood, but when I slip up, there are consequences. And I’m reminded of why I need to keep my defenses up. It’s for my own good. It doesn’t feel good. I never feel good. Not when I tell them to leave me alone and not when they tell me I have it all wrong and force their own philosophies down my throat when I have also been living on this earth, thanks, believe it or not. I’m cynical, but my mind hasn’t completely killed me. Stop telling me my way of thinking is wrong. Believe it or not, it’s the only thing keeping me alive.

~Kasia

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