I’m having some trouble understanding myself lately. I guess I should just see where everything goes, but I feel like I am someone who shifts in the light. Something is always in shadow. Not just to everyone else. To me. I feel so many contradictory things at different times and it makes it really hard for me to know what to trust. One day, I’ll feel this, then I’ll feel that, those things contradict each other, what is real, what is made up, how am I supposed to make decisions about anything when I literally cannot tell where my heart is?
I’m looking forward to this weekend. Friday is open mic night. Saturday, I might take a bus to Boston with my mom and we’ll see my poem being displayed in Roxbury. Sunday, I hope I can go to the mall with Pam, so we can get my ears pierced and I can buy hair dye. I was thinking I’d dye the ends, so my parents won’t give me a hard time about infusing my scalp with deadly chemicals. I can’t choose between pink or blue. I know that sometimes blue can look really swampy and that pink fades nicely, but I’m still conflicted. If I dyed my hair pink now, it would mess up my whole color scheme for my character in Twelfth Night, and if I do dye my hair, I might just end up cutting it later, because it’s grown back a lot and it’s been annoying me. But if I go with pink, I’ll wait until the play is over to do that and I don’t know if I can handle not cutting my hair for that long. Or if I should cut it at all. Maybe I should grow it out.
I wasn’t going to get my ears pierced, but she told me she had earrings to go with my costume, and obviously I won’t be able to wear them anyway, but I told her I was thinking about it and I think that would be fun. I wonder how much it costs. I’m pretty fucking broke and I’m not that committed to this, I just think it would be fun to go have my earlobes blasted open with her.
Here’s the costume idea, I’m really excited about it:
I’ve been feeling like such a horrible person lately. For not knowing what I want, for knowing what I want, for everything. I feel like I can’t fully trust myself again. There’s just this crazy duality. I had a crying breakdown last night, because I felt so much terror, and I realized how long it’s been since I’ve had one of those. But it’s come back and I feel it again. I think it’s because the whole college thing is looming over my head again, since I’ve started hearing back from schools. I was fine when I didn’t have to think about it. I honestly don’t know what I’m doing or what to believe. I got into Boston University. Sometimes, I’ll think being in Boston sounds nice, other times I’ll think I better do something bigger and more exciting and go to New Orleans. I feel like I don’t have enough perspective to really know what it would be like to actually be in any of those places.
I have three weeks left until the play is over and that scares the hell out of me. I can’t stop everything from accelerating and that scares the hell out of me. Not moving also scares the hell out of me. Not having power over myself scares the hell out of me. Having power over myself and knowing I am capable of making consequential decisions scares the hell out of me. Powerlessness is on both ends of the power spectrum, and no matter what my options are, I am scared and I want to run like hell, but running like hell has only made me feel like I’m missing out. I should embrace direct confrontation. Stop avoiding myself by keeping all of these distractions alive. Stop asking everyone around me for advice when I know that the only person I can and should listen to is myself. Sometime soon, I will corner myself in a dark alley. I’ll be holding a gun, and the other me will be holding a flashlight, and the other me will realize a flashlight is not really a weapon and fighting is futile and trying to run is futile, because the other person has a gun.