Sick and feverish and falling gently into delirium

Is my mental state really destined to be bad right now no matter what? That trips me up a little. I thought I was doing better than I ever have before. Maybe it’s a delusion. Maybe my “better” is still pretty bad.

I feel really hot right now. I might have a fever.

I hate being sick. For obvious reasons, too, like I feel horrible, but I feel like it makes me put things on hold and I don’t like putting things on hold. I can’t put effort into anything. All that speed down the drain.

Now my plans for this weekend are kind of ruined. That’s so stupid. I just want to do things. I don’t know why I’m frustrated. I thought it’d be nice to have a break from things and to have this as an excuse, but I can’t really afford it.

I’ve really been thinking about how I act different around different people. I think a lot of the time, I try to match the other person’s energy. I don’t know if that’s a good thing anymore. I’ve been told that I’m high-energy lately, so I’m not entirely sure. But if I’m not feeling it, I’ll just fade in and pretend to disappear.

I barely remember Sunday night or anything else that’s distinct at all. It’s the blend of being sick and how it’s been snowing again and it’s just making it all fade in and together. I just feel this general disconnect. I lose how I feel all the time. Whatever was the most important thing to me, even for one second, sinks back so quickly. This fever, whatever it is, has taken over.

I’ve really been obsessed with this poem called Fever 103° by Sylvia Plath. I was going to use it for this English assignment I had but I never showed up to do it. I keep reading it over and over. That seems like a high fever. Maybe it’s the fever I have.

Then there’s this other part of being sick that feels like falling into some delirium, almost like I’ve been given a drug without having to take a drug. It’s become effective from the inside. It’s taken over. It’s nice. I feel like I’m hallucinating.

I’m so worried, I’m so paranoid about screwing things up, I feel like if I fall sick, everything will come out of my grasp and I’ll lose it. I’m crazy.

I kind of don’t feel like telling anyone anything right now.

I think I should cut my hair again. I can’t stand feeling it on my shoulders.

I feel like a mermaid whose voice was stolen from her.

I don’t remember the days anymore. I don’t remember the days anymore. I don’t remember the days anymore. I don’t remember the days anymore

I know that I am worrying for no reason. I just don’t like being sick. It makes me feel like whatever is manifesting physically started on the inside.

~Kasia

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