I haven’t blogged in a long time. It keeps slipping away from me. Now I’m about six entries behind. That will be some great turn around.
It’s been an interesting two weeks. Everything I feel, all of the colors fly by fast that I can’t keep track of the days anymore. Everything is different and everything is the same. I’ve been free associating, trying to write down by thoughts so I can keep track of how I feel, and I’ve been filling up notebooks like my mind is sweeping the pages along one after the other in some kind of hurricane. I don’t even know how it happens.
Last week was rough. I was stressing out about college again and if I even want to go, but I got talked back into it. I think I should just see where it takes me. Blow money I don’t have. Who cares? It’ll take me where it takes me. Maybe we’ll have a huge financial crisis anyway and none of it is gonna matter anymore. Maybe I’ll get swept along in the current.
We’ve started the play and I’m having a lot of fun with my role and Colin starts recording his album today and it’s all just a fun time. I’ve been having so much fun. 2017 has been something. Something I’ve been waiting for for a long time. I’ve also been thinking a lot about how I should just stop worrying and be reckless and have fun, because I’m leaving and there’s not gonna be any consequences to anything I do. So I might just let myself go. Completely. I don’t see why not.
Break was a while ago now, but it was honestly one of the loveliest breaks I’ve had, because I was barely home. I saw my friends a lot and blew all my money and I’m already sick of my new clothes and sick of everything I own and sick of everything and equally deprived of everything. There’s this weird dichotomy for me right now, like I’ll go into this rage because I feel like I AM WASTING AWAY HERE, and then other times I’ll get sad about things because I realize I haven’t been living everything out to the fullest, because I COULDN’T before, because I didn’t FEEL like this.
But I won’t overthink it too much. So I’m going to let myself go.
I haven’t been feeling very BLAH but I have been feeling restless, all the time, like I shouldn’t be sleeping, like I have to keep going at all times, like I’m wound tightly around something and I need to live the momentum out and not let anything, not even sleep, stop me. I did this last week when I didn’t sleep all night and I just wrote poetry and ended up painting all over my clothes. Once a week or so I’ll go into this state of concentrated energy, manic rage, and I don’t sleep, and I throw things around my room, and I barricade myself there, and my mom says she’s going to call the police because she’s over-dramatic and calls me crazy, and I splatter paint on all my canvas and I feel like I need to get out of this body, that it’s restraining me, that I’m not in full control of it, I can’t explain it, I love it, I like feeling alive, I like feeling like I want to be awake, it beats the alternative by a thousand notches.
Everyone’s telling me to go for it.
Quote from my best friend:
Me: What if I end heartbroken.
Her: Then I will pick up the pieces.
Quote from my TEACHER:
Her: “Don’t say no to THAT.”
Me: “I’m not going to.”
Quote from Shreya: “You’re leaving anyway, just have fun. Do whatever you want.”
I think this is what I want.
I think there’s a lot I want.
I think I might not be very fair about this, but
I’ve just been feeling this general air of LIBERATION. It’s beautiful.
I can never keep track of what I am feeling in any moment.
Colin and I spent all night sending each other music. You know, not ALL night. Until I fell asleep. I’m always the first to fall asleep. The alternative is very rare.
I feel like I need to move on to some higher ground but I don’t know where it is and I don’t know how, I’m just going to see where everything goes and I’ve never felt more in control of my life even though I’m practically strung out on a line for the stars, always waiting, always wavering, always testing the waters.
I’m having a little trouble pinpointing my thoughts and feelings right now. I hate this. It’s such a waste. Maybe I should be sitting at a table.
The MOVING AT ALL TIMES thing is going well I think, but I feel like I’m on the verge of crashing at the moment. I’m sure it’ll pass. Maybe this is why I stopped blogging. I don’t know why this space always transcends my exterior in some awful penetrative way and makes me lose some fantasy. Okay, now that I’ve pinpointed it, I will not let that happen. Everything I write will be in very romantic terms.