I was pretty excited for February Break before, but it’s like over the past 12 hours, things have just slowed down and I hate when that happens. I don’t like things messing with my momentum. Yesterday was kind of an emotionally violent day for me and I spent like 6 hours after school talking to my friends instead of getting work done and right now I feel weirdly settled down, and I don’t know, I don’t like it. I literally just complained about feeling everything violently and now I’m complaining about being numb. I am unbelievable.
Because everything has been so crazy, I haven’t even thought about what I’m doing over break aside from the plans I’ve already made. I should probably sort that out in my head right now before I lose my momentum again. My friends are having a Valentine’s Day party so that’ll be fun. I’m looking forward to it. I guess. I’m kind of numb right now. It’s gross. I really really need to be in a state of constant excitement or else. I can’t take it when it dies down. I thought I could see Colin on Saturday but he’s sick and he’s not in school today and we were going to try to break into the drama room during lunch to try to find a Lockdown script (the infamous one-act I was in my freshman year) because I was telling him about it and he wanted to read it, but yeah, none of that ever happened. My dad is taking us skiing on Saturday. I’m definitely going to see Karen which I’m excited about because we haven’t really had time to talk but I’m also not really excited about anything right now.
My mom is going to Boston really early in the morning on like two days and I want to go with her for support but I don’t know if she’ll let me. I was also going to ask Pamela to hang out with me but I fucking forgot. Maybe I’ll do it later. Maybe I’ll chicken out. I don’t normally take the initiative with things like that because a) my parents are so hard to navigate around and it just stresses me out of my mind b) my situation at home is just in general hard to navigate around c) I like making myself feel unwanted for no fucking reason
Literally, if only I could stop wallowing. I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TIME FOR THINGS LIKE THAT.
Sometimes I just wish I could have all the people I like in one place and have my day arranged so I can see them all the fucking time. Why can’t I have that? That’s kind of what I miss about being really fucking immersed in drama. When that was happening, I was just happy to come to school every day and see all my friends for such a long time.
It also fucks me up that some days I’ll have a lot of energy and then other days it’ll have died down and I don’t know, it trips me up. I need something to keep it up but it’s hard when I don’t have enough things working me up. And then I’ll complain about being worked up.
I HATE THAT I NEED TO HAVE SO MUCH STIMULATION ALL THE TIME. I NEED A MILLION THINGS TO HOLD ME OR NOTHING WILL. IT’S THE MOST UNREALISTIC THING IN THE WORLD. I AM SO DIFFICULT TO SUSTAIN.
And I’m not saying that I need to constantly be in a state of chaos, I just need things to keep moving. I can’t get this image out of my mind of that time I was just by myself in the black box painting my corpse all bloody. I want to do something like that that’s dynamic but calming. Like I have the power to mess everything up, but I won’t. I don’t know. I need pressure. I need to be under pressure all the fucking time. I want every moment to be a moment of truth.
I’d rather be restless in a violent way than be restless in a sluggish way, it’s not good for my creative energies it’s not good for anything.
Okay, now that I’ve vented my frustrations about my own constant inner state of being, we can talk about something more fruitful like–
Never mind, I’m not done. THE OTHER THING. The other thing about feeling like this is that I can’t fucking talk to anyone. Not, like, physically, but I can’t get into it. I hate it I hate it. When I have enough nervous energy I’ll be off the charts but if I don’t I just sink against myself and I can’t stand it. It’s like if I don’t have enough stimulation, I’ll purposefully avoid stimulation? I know it’s really bad for me.
So I guess the only thing is to fight it. But I am really not feeling anything.
Okay now I feel a little better because Eireann just came and told me about Ms. McManus making her tea because her throat hurt. Why do puny things like that drag me out of myself. I feel like I’m just at the mercy of these little things.
I think maybe it’s the fact that I kind of have two non-classes that kill my energy and make me all static-y and gross it’s just that sometimes I forget that I need to stimulate myself or I’ll die because I expect I’ll constantly– no that’s not really it either. I don’t know. It’s a trippy state but I can rip myself out of it. BUT I REALLY NEED EXCITEMENT. ALL THE TIME. AHHHHH KILL ME.
I don’t know if I can be around my family for this long. I kind of resent vacations. I kind of don’t like stalling. I kind of feel like this is stalling. I kind of want to go to New York in like 5 days but I can’t. I kind of don’t know what to feel anymore. I knew what to feel yesterday.
OKAY that’s enough. NO SELF-FULFILLED PROPHECIES HERE. BREAK IS GONNA BE WONDERFUL AND I WILL NOT BE SAD. I HAVE NOTHING TO BE SAD ABOUT
I started bringing back the repressed memories on Wednesday night. I didn’t cry for the reasons I used to but I did start crying when I realized how I got from there to here. I actually did that. All this time, I remembered the times I was really spiraling out, but those times just faded into this generalized untouchable fall, but I didn’t remember my own attitude about the whole thing. It was awful, but I really did just keep going. I never even realized that. I thought it was a constant losing battle for me. I didn’t know I had my mind so made up.
I started with all the songs, I listened to them one by one and I painted while I did it. I painted without sketching first. I liked how that felt. I got through all of them completely unfeeling anything except maybe a spark of recognition. Then I read my diary in intervals. I ended at October that night and then I finished it the next day. I have yet to watch the video or read over the poems or the messages. The things that are more direct. And not one-sided. And could potentially hurt. But I will do that. I think I’m completely over it. I think I’m completely separate from it.
And I am allowed to hate people. And I hate both of them. For what they did to me. And it’s sickening but I’m glad I went through this and it makes me want to cry but only because I am still here.
I feel better now. Like I can move again. I hate how I get so down. I hate how quickly it happens. But thank God it all happens so fast.