dangling on the verge come over me already

I know I haven’t been doing any of the blog prompts, so I’m going to try to fit them all into here in this mad speed round jumble here we go.

Books that have influenced me a hell of a lot that I love: Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte, The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger, The Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux, The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett, A Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett, Coraline by Neil Gaiman, The Help by Kathryn Stockett, Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut, The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon, The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald, A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou.

Books that have influenced me a hell of a lot that I despise: The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway.

I’ve had a lot of other creative influences that don’t fall into the whole “books” category but that would take a long time to extract.

My parents when they were my age were probably your typical high school students in Poland except not typical at all because a) My dad had just gotten back from Algeria at that point and b) My mom grew up under a communist regime. I wish I could see into my mom’s life as a teenager. I can kind of picture it from the various anecdotes she’s told me but I want to see it for real, keep dreaming.

I do lie to myself. About how I really feel. And it’s good. Sometimes I feel like deceiving myself gets me further. I had to unlearn all the obsessing and all the reexamining that gets me too far inside when I want to look in from the outside.

There are a lot of places outside of the United States where I would like to live. You know, at least temporarily. But not as a tourist. I’d like to be immersed if I can.

*I AM NOW IN THE PROCESS OF BEING ENDLESSLY DISAPPOINTED BY YOU*

*DON’T. SPIRAL. OUT.*

There are a lot of freaking difficult things about being my age but you know what I don’t think being any age has ever been that easy for me but how can being human be easy in any way I really don’t think it can

I GUESS there’s conceivably a way for some age to be better than another but I had a horrible childhood and I’m always going to be weighed down by my own consciousness that’s never going to end no matter if I am here or there or wherever. I guess maybe I’ll have better ways to cope when I have more freedom but is freedom always good? It’s a paradox. It’s the thing that’s made me freeze up so much, the idea of power having power having so much power that you don’t know what to do with it so you do nothing, so you shut down

What you really need is to perfect the art of operating under a restraint.

*I THINK I’M FALLING OFF THE WAGON*

*I THINK I’M ON THE EDGE*

*I’M SCARED*

*I SHOULD NOT OPEN THE FLOODGATES OF HELL*

*I SHOULD FORGET IT*

*FORGET IT FORGET IT. YOU’LL GET SUCKED BACK UNDER. IT WASN’T A WARNING. IT WAS A PROPHECY.*

*DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE HAPPY? YES. YES. YOU REMEMBER. MAYBE I HAVE NEVER BEEN HAPPY*

*I’M RUNNING OUT OF IT I’M RUNNING OUT OF DISTRACTIONS. I CAN’T LET YOU BE THE ONLY VIABLE DISTRACTION IN MY LIFE DARLING. NOTHING KILLS YOU LIKE OBSESSION. BELIEVE YOU ME*

*THE FOG IS DESCENDING AGAIN. WHERE IS MY CLARITY. WHERE ARE THE SINS I HAVE LIVED AND DIED FOR. DON’T TELL ME THEY ARE GONE. I CANNOT DO IT AGAIN.*

*HEY NOW. DON’T TAKE IT AS ANY SORT OF SIGN NOW. STAY ON THE SURFACE. STAY AFLOAT. THERE IS NOTHING TO DRAG YOU UNDER EXCEPT YOUR OWN FALSE PROPHECY.*

Okay, okay. I’m going to stay in the trance. I’ll find a way. The trick is not to lose momentum. The trick is not to think. I have to think. I have to. I’ve run all out.

I’ll set a date for the event. Something I can’t turn away from. Could it be today? I think it could be today. All I know is it has to be within the next week. No, within the next few days. Yes, tonight. It’s time to break it all loose. What’s the use anymore.

Remember, everything you’re worrying about is just an illusion. Stay inside.

Here is my self-fulfilling prophecy: I am going to be okay. I need to do whatever it takes.

*I NOW NEED TO PURGE YOU FROM MY SYSTEMS COMPLETELY. I AM SO AFRAID OF BEING HIT BY ANOTHER WAVE*

I saw how you look at me when I can’t see you in the moment before you see me look back up.

I know what this is. Anti-climax. Falling action. Okay okay back up.

~Kasia

 

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