Hi. So I thought I had my thoughts semi-together today but I am wrong and I hate myself but not completely because I have enough energy and potential for being all over the place to make myself believe I am actually happy. I don’t think there’s really a difference for me, between that and being completely lost in excited chaos.
I guess I keep overestimating myself. I can’t devote myself to concepts like I used to, even if I like them. I’ve been hurt too badly to ever try anything of the sort again unless I am a) sure b) trapped.
I would really like people to stop confessing their love to me. Just please. Keep it to yourself. I don’t want to know.
The thing is, I don’t know what to do once I DO know. Because a) I’m scared b) I’m frozen c) I literally can’t move d)
Honestly, she intimidates me so much. I don’t know if she realizes it. I don’t know what to do with her. I would be too scared to jump in and put her on hold all the same. She’s demanding but quieting.
I know it’s coming soon. Last night all these memories came back to me. I tried to stop them but I couldn’t so I freaked out and went to sleep. I know I can’t ignore it. It’s going to come over me soon and I need to reexamine everything that’s happened and it will all make sense. I need to do it. I need to open the floodgates of hell. It’s time to face it all and not run. There is nothing that I can suppress forever. I can feel the time coming over me like an apocalypse warning.
Kersten just came over here and SCARED ME, isn’t she lovely. I feel so alive.
Here’s a song I listened to ten times last night in the bath: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enb3TGRiY6c
Here’s the song I used to try to drown myself in the bath to in October:
He has such an elegant way of speaking. About the crudest things. No matter what it is, it is always so elegant.
I am dead serious, please stop.
The crazy sad thing is that I feel like I’m surrounded by actual fruitful things now but I can’t reap them for the life of me I’ve been stung too badly I have seen too much I recoil at everything.
I can’t do this thing anymore where I just jump in blindly because I have been robbed of my blindness I thought the clarity was something good and whole but it makes me see everything, everything. There is nothing I can unsee. I know what’s coming now, to such an extent that I’ve ceased believing in anything but finite things. I’ve lost my hope. I can’t be naive about anything anymore. I’ll have my fun but I’m guarded to the very core. I don’t even feel bad about it. Any of it. Trying to protect myself. Anything. Everything that comes over me is just an era. Ending beginning ending stopping ending ending ending.
I am such a coward. But the worst thing is that I can’t even admit what I feel to myself. I need to go on a long eight-hour car ride to even try to make sense of anything but I’ve left endeavors like that behind in August, nightmare August, nightmare September nightmare October nightmare July nightmare November nightmare December to January 9th and then it all stopped and I was in the eye of the storm but that’s where the real chaos is.
I asked Karen for advice and she told me something very wise and I don’t really feel like I am missing something and it’s good. But I guess that’s the paradox. I think that if I stopped to reexamine anything it would cease to exist. I need to be agnostic about my own life.
I obviously need to talk to her at some point. But maybe I can just be content with that fact without ever touching it again.
This is a whole lot of vague rambling that probably won’t make the least bit of sense to you unless you’re me, and even that is a vague term, I guess there will be a time in the future when I won’t remember what this was even about. But the general idea is the same. It all oscillates the same. It all circles and comes back. Does it? No. That was just a heartbroken little reservation. Nothing is ever the same as anything. It can mimic it, I guess, the whole thing of ‘history repeating’ is only made by this contrived Venn-Diagram that granted, has some similarities, but the DIFFERENCES are just too great to turn a blind eye to.
If this is all the absurdity and senselessness that I feel it is, I will have done the world a service.