I need to rant, I kind of don’t know who to talk to or if it will make me feel better so I’m not going to risk it. I just need to get this out.
Here are some things I want to say to my dad:
Fuck you for making me feel bad about the things I like.
People like you make me contemplate suicide.
You like making people cry.
You’re a control freak and I hate you.
My parents love making me feel bad for no fucking reason and whenever I’m at home I’m just counting down the hours until I don’t have to be there anymore. I keep telling myself that it’s only a little bit longer and soon I won’t have to deal with them anymore but I know that’s a fucking joke. I can’t stand being isolated with them. I know I’m over-magnifying it all in my head but I’m a teenager and I’m scared and I don’t know what the fuck is going to happen to me and they’re really not making it better. Whenever I’m around them it’s like the world loses its color and becomes this bleak and colorless and mundane thing that I want nothing to do with. It’s like suddenly the days are all stacked on top of one another with nothing separating them, lined up behind one another like columns of dull gray stone. I see how much I have to go when I should be focusing more on how I’m getting there. And this is something that’s taken me a whole lifetime to unlearn. Life is much less scary if you just live it moment by moment and let things come to you instead of stressing out about how you’re going to get from one place to another. I don’t know if I can do this. I’ve been home so little lately that whenever I am, it all just comes back to me in this sickening blast. I’ve been trying so hard to keep myself under this spell, I’ve been truly happy lately, but they’re trying to suck me back under and I can’t let that happen to me. Not for anything in the world. I’ve worked so hard to get here. I know the root of my affliction but not how to be free from it. And I’m so afraid this will be my whole life. I kind of want to not go to college just so I can be free of this but I know I will never be free of it.
So, I can’t stand being here. I can’t stand feeling isolated where the only thing that makes it through to me is what THEY think, what THEY believe. I slowly become indoctrinated to it. I need to be not here. It’s not good and it’s eating me alive. I need to be here as little as I can. Until I have a safe system that lets me never be dragged back under again. I know it’s only a little more but I am so afraid and I am so afraid of something obscuring my purpose and I am so afraid of being led off track from what I want and I am so afraid of not hearing myself. I am so afraid of this dark shadow coming over my heart that causes me to forget I ever knew it at all.
But I know it’s just a spell. When I feel like this. I know I can snap out of it. I hate being at home. I hate being at home. I hate being at home. I know I don’t have to feel this way. I know I’m not the only one going through something like this. It just touches me deeper than it should. Everything touches me deeper than it should.
Okay, and that’s just it. I just hate the isolation here. I hate being stuck. I hate being stuck with them. I know I’ll be okay. It’s just like a pendulum swinging sometimes. I’ll go from being around people who actually support me and then being back here and hearing these things I’ve been hearing all my life but especially recently is like being hit over the head with a brick wall. I’ve violently typed all of this. It’s maybe a better way to express physical anger than some of the things I’ve been doing lately. Like smashing a mug against my dresser.
This is mostly about how my dad thinks it’s stupid that I’m learning to draw people for my senior project instead of doing something he wants or how he wants me to be a fucking lawyer when I just want a fucking peace of mind. If I’m completely honest, the only place I ever want to be is the theatre. It makes me happy. Nothing else really does that for me. But the whole idea of having this full-blown “career” kind of stresses me out and depresses me. Maybe something is wrong with me. I think it’s just the stress of thinking about it instead of doing it and living it.
Anyway, hang in there. Me, everyone. I know it’s not as scary as it sounds but sometimes I forget.
‘Evil Night Together’ just came on and I really miss my play and I know THAT’S what I want to be doing with the rest of my life but I’m too scared to admit it. I was not this scared a week ago.
Sorry for how disjointed this is, but I guess I’m not really. I feel better when I remember to embrace hedonism. Maybe I’ll eat the ice cream Colin stole for me today even though I’m still lowkey sick.