you slow down, you die

I was debating whether or not I should do this individuality prompt– I’m pretty against the idea of going with the grain or whatever (whatever that means, I don’t really understand what the grain is or where it’s going. This is kind of a weird analogy). But here we are. I am adhering to the norm and being anti-revolutionary and boring. I’ll forgive myself for it later.

While we’re on the topic of analogies, I have to say that using analogies is another horrible way of adhering to the norm– like, God, why can’t you come up with anything original?

I feel that I’ve always had a strong sense of self from a young age, though obviously this has evolved dramatically over the years. When I was really young, this meant that I had some weird pre-conceived notion that I had superpowers or something. I am not really sure what possessed me to think that, but I also like the idea that I would just right off the bat assume I had laser vision. Eventually, all it really meant that I spent a good deal of my childhood years unlearning this notion and realizing that I do not, in fact, have supersonic powers. It was a little hard for me to wrap my head around that at first, since changing your mindset is one of the hardest things to do ever, and also, how can I not be better than everyone? I swear I’ll never understand it and I have no desire to.

I am pretty introspective; sometimes, I’ll spend hours saying my thoughts out loud to myself just so I can sort them out when they start to get too scattered, which to be fair, is pretty often. I guess that’s where my general disorganization comes from; it starts in my head. I think that everything that physically manifests must come from inside your head. Anyway, really all that whole thing does is make it hard for me to sleep.

I’m going to take this time to list some flaws that I have. Self-deprecation is such a blast. Okay, here we go. I am really indecisive about the most trivial things, like what I want to eat. Honestly, I think it comes from stressing out a little too much about everything, which again, comes from the disorganization. I’m the type of person to never be satisfied with anything. I mean, happiness is this fleeting thing for me. I just can’t be content. I always want to move onto the next thing and the next and the next. I’m restless. I tire myself out. I don’t do things like this aimlessly. I guess it comes from always needing to be doing everything at once, as much as I can, as fully as I can. If I stand still for too long or really at all, I’ll get really depressed. I want to always have as much going on as possible. You’d think that would kill me, and yet, I think it’s really the other way around. I have to be busy all the time, eternally absorbed and distracted. Keeping going is how I keep going. I think it’s similar to how if you say a word too many times, it stops sounding like a real word. If I overthink things too much, if I question why I’m doing anything and stop long enough to think about that, I’ll hurtle myself into this one-way existential crisis that I am not going to get out of until– not even until something really important and life-shattering happens to me– but until I painstakingly crawl out of that mindset myself. I’ve already been through that a few too many times, but I’ve been pretty absorbed lately, and I’d like to keep it that way. In this state of floating above the invisible line, on the edge of the cliff but not over it in any way, shape, or form. And so I have all these things that hold me. Right now, I’m directing a play and it’s all I think about. As long as I have a million things to obsess over at once, I’ll be fine, but it’s a thin line and I’m trying not to fall into a hole.

So I guess that’s why I write (even though that requires so much introspection) and why I spend 12 hours at school every day just so I can rehearse every night. There’s nothing for me to complain about. I bring it upon myself because I like it.

So I guess not being able to get out of my head is maybe my biggest flaw, even though it’s also that fact that keeps me afloat. I think this is maybe the first time I’ve used the word “flaw.”  I’ve always rejected using that word, because to me, people aren’t perfect or imperfect or anything like that. They’re just complex, dynamic, because that is what people are, and it doesn’t have a thing to do with strengths or flaws or anything. Anything that is a strength can be a flaw, and anything that’s a flaw can be a strength, because it’s not strictly either. it’s just a dynamic. A dynamic and ambiguous fact that can prove salvageable or turn rotten. It happens really fast both ways and I think it’s impossible to pinpoint.

This wasn’t that hard to get out.



2 thoughts on “you slow down, you die”

  1. I read rehearsal only to realize that this was written during tech week for the one acts wasn’t it? During that week I think we all wanted to be in that guillotine yet also loved being there so much. Also your writing is addictive and I can’t stop reading it because I love it so much.

    Liked by 1 person

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